A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The other day my daughter came to me with a problem that she is having and although it is horrifing me, I am not quite sure how to handle this because I am afraid that taking the wrong actions on my part could possibly place her in a dangerous situation. My daughter is 14. The other day the kids had a day off from school and my daughter called me at work and asked me if she could catch the bus to the mall with her step-brother who is 12 and a female friend who is 13. I did not see the problem with this since they are all pretty responsible and I never get any trouble out of them when they are outside of the house (inside is another story), but outside they conduct themselves well. Later on that evening when I returned from work, the kids had already returned from the mall. My daughter approached me and told me that they had a problem at the mall. She said that there is a very large group of "kids" approx. 17 up to 20 something years of age, she said that none of them go to her school and as far as she knows none of them go to school at all, but she does encounter them on a regular basis. All she really knows of them is that they are always in groups of 15-20 and even though they do not fit into the regular description of what would be considered a street gang, they do have a gang mantality and they are always in trouble. My daughter told me that they were at the mall and although they have never gone out of their way to mess with her before, for some reason they decided to start calling my children and their friend names as they passed by. My daughter did admit to me that she called a name right back at them as they passed, but she did not think that they would turn and do anything to her since in comparison, they are much older. My daughter said that she felt they were just being jerks, but would reconize that they are much older and not waste there time or energy on what they could have only preceived as "smart mouthed kids." My daughter said that she was wrong and they did turn. She said that when this happend they became scared. She said at that point, although the "gang" continued to follow closley behind them and continued to call them names that were becoming increasingly violent and vulgar, my children and their friend did all they could to ignore them and made no more attempts to anger them or do anything at all that could escalate the situtation in the hopes that the "gang" would eventually get bored and move on, it did not happen. My kids went to the food court because it was crowded and they felt that perhaps if they sat there for a while that it would make the "gang" just leave them alone, but it did not. The "gang" sat across the food court from my children and stared directly at them in complete silence and no expression on their faces. My children tried to pretend that they did not even notice, so the "gang" moved to the tables directly surronding my children and continued to stare directly at them in silence with no expression on their faces. My daughter said at this point they were all horrified and wanted to just leave the mall, but when they went to stand up the "gang" had pulled thier tables and chairs extremly close to my children and it was very hard for them to exit the area without bumping into one of them. The "gang" continued to sit and stare and they did not budge. My daughter said that she figured that was the final test, they were waiting to see if any of them would bump into one of the "gang" members so that they would have a reason for physical confrontation. My children were especially cautious not to touch them at all and felt that would be the end of it. As my children began to exit the food court the "gang" again followed this time even closer, calling even more vulger and violent names then before. My children wanted to leave the mall to catch the bus home, but were to afraid the exit the mall. Finally they walked passed a security guard and my daughter said loudly, please just leave us alone. With that the security guard stopped all of them and asked what the problem was. My daughter said that the "gang" (she did not call them that) was following them and calling them names. Since she knew that it was very likly she would encounter them again, she wanted to let them know that she meant no harm and she wanted no trouble so she went on to say loud enough for them to hear, "I am sure that they are just messing around with us, but since there are so many of them and they are much older then us it is a little bit scary and we just want for them to leave us alone." With that the security guard told my children to leave, but he walked over to the "gang" and started talking to them just to detain them long enough for my children to safely get on the bus. My daughter said that the way out required them to cross back pass the security guard and the "gang" and when she looked up at them she said that while they were obeying the security guard and staying put, they also were not at all intimidated by him and continued to direct their attention at my children. My daughter said that she then noticed that all of their attention was focused directly on just her. She said they were looking at her as if they wanted her dead and there were going to make it happen. I was a single mom of two for 5 years and lived in a place that could only be described as the gettho, yet I have never encounterd anything like this. When I was on my own with my children I was an over prective nut case and if anybody messed with my kids I went directly after them, full force, nothing held me back. I always thought that I was doing what I had to do to protect my children, but it is because of this that my daughter stoped confiding a lot of things in me. In some cases she feard for my safety and in others she just feard dying of embarassment. Now that I am married and we live in a much nicer area, this is the last thing that I expected to happen. But I do know one thing, for my daughter to come to me with this, she is scared! The fact that she is so scared that she is willing to come to me with this, makes me horrified! I asked my daughter if she felt she could aviod these people and she said probably not. Since there are no school buses where we are, the kids that do not live within walking distance of the school have to rely on public transpertation. The high school that my daughter is suppose to go to has a very bad rep. and is well known for gang activity. It is for this reason that I enrolled my daughter in the high school on the other side of town that is suppose to be much safer and so far it has been. But when my daughter gets out of school she has to walk about 3/4 of a mile to get to the bus station. She said that this is where the "gang" often hangs out. She said that because they don't actually catch the bus anywhere and they are known for harrassing and starting fights with people who are using the buses, the are not aloud on the property, but they still hang out across the street. She said that normaly there is a security guard present, but he does often disapear at which point they will come accross until he returns and runs them back out. I asked her if she thought they may carry guns or if she has ever heard them threaten to kill anybody. She said that although she has never seen them pull out any guns, that she has heard them threathen to shoot people. I felt that I needed to call the police and report this, but my daughter said that would not help because they have not "really" done anything to her yet, the most the police could do is go have a talk with them and this would only make them want to come after her more. I think she is right about this. I also thought about getting her pepper spray, but considering the amount of them there are, there would be no way for her to get all of them at once and this could wind up doing her far more harm then good. Even if I would consider getting her a gun, which I won't, she could not take that to school with her. She begged me not to tell her step-father because he is crazier then me and he will go after them and she is afraid that he would wind up hurt or even dead. At the very least, in jail. She is right about that also. For the first time since the day she has been born, I do not know how to protect her outside of making her drop out of school and permenetly locking her inside of the house. I feel so helpless!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2009):
 For a 14 year old I think she did fine. Yes, stooping to stupid people's level is never good. Once you get "down" to their level their win. Hopefully these "gang" kids are all verbal and that is it, it was a good learning experience. It is hard when you are not only scared but being belittled to not react. Now she know, ignoring that kind of crap is much better. The thing is a big group of teen ( heck even adults) can easily get out of hand if left unchecked.
I hope it will blow over and that your daughter will feel safe again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for the good advice. It had not occured to me at all to contact the mall, but then again she won't be going back there anytime soon! I have decided not to over-react to this, but I in no way plan on taking it lightly either. I am going to contact mall security and make them write a report so that they can monitor this and perhaps keep others safe. I am also going to contact the police and make them aware of the situtation and ask them to keep an eye on it, but I will make it clear that I do not want these people to know that they are bening "looked at" because of anythig to do with my daughter. Apparently they get themselves into enough trouble that they will not know where it is comming from anyway. Although because of my work hours and the distance that I have to travel, I am not able to pick my daughter up from school, I am going to make arrangements to get off early from time to time so that I can show up at the bus stop to pick her up in the hopes that they will be there and see me. If they never know when I am going to pop up, then perhaps that would deter them a little. Since we are new to the area, I do not know anybody that can ride her and this is her first year in high school, so none of the kids that she has made friends with are driving yet themselves. I am however; going to call the guidance councelor and explain the situtation. Since it is my daughters first year, perhaps the school has some kind of "buddy" or "mentor" program and my daughter could be matched up with an older student that does drive and would not mind helping out. In the mean time my daughter did tell me that there is a group of kids that she does walk to the bus stop with, but they are not bus riders, so at that point they continue walking. Since this has happened, my daughter has asked them to not walk near her or act like they know her if they get into view of these people because since they have to keep walking she does not want to place them at risk through association with her. She said that since these people have probably never took notice of the kids that my daughter has walked with in the past then they probably are not aware that they know my daughter. She is going to ask them if they would not mind waiting a few and watching from a distance until she is on the bus so that if she is approched they can call 911 for her without anybody knowing who they are. Hopefully with close monitoring this will eventually smooth itself out, if not my only other resort would be to transfer my daughter to the school out here that she is actually suppose to go to, but I hesitate to do this because I am unsure of how much of a safer alturnative that would be and besides that, my daughter said that she runs into these people everywhere, so it probably would not make a differance what school she is in. At least she does have a few friends to watch out for her where she is right now.I have also had a second new experience that has come out of this that I have had to deal with for the first time. My youngest daughter is only 7 so she goes nowhere by herself. And I feel incredibly lucky and proud to say that at the age of 14, my oldest daughter has never given me any kind of behavioral problems at all, up until now. Just because my children a generally good kids, I do realize that this does not give me the right as a parent to overlook my daughters role in all of this. I did tell her that as much as I appreciate her honesty and also admitted to the fact that because I have not always had the best reaction in to past to situtations that I have preceived as being threatening to myself or my children, I understand that I probably have not been a very good role model in that area. I thanked her for giving me another chance and told her that it made me feel good that she again felt safe enough to confide in me and I hope that this is something that we can continue to work on. I also made it clear to her that I know she is a highly intelligent girl and considering where we come from she does have her fair share of common sense and street smarts. Therefore; she should have been able to analyze this situtation better. If she could see that there was a lot of them and that they are bigger and she can hear that reguardless of their ages they are obviously not very mature to be hanging in the mall with nothing better to do but call younger kids names and from what she does know of them they have a gang mantaility and a history of violance. I do not care if they started it, she had to know that by sinking to their level and saying something back to them she was placeing not only herself, but her brother and her friend at risk. I explained to her that I love her, but I will not be one of those "My kids never do anything wrong parents." She is the oldest and my expectation of her is to set a good example for her siblings and be a positive influance for her friends. I think because of the amount of fear she is currently feeling, she has learned her lesson and is paying a high price for it. None the less, I work pretty far away and I usually do not allow any of them to go anywhere while I am at work because then I am not readily available in the event of an emergency. I placed my trust in her to conduct herself better then this and because of this she will not be going to the mall or anywhere else for a very long time unless I am readily available to monitor and suprevisor her. I let her know that this is not just because I am worried about what these kids may do, it is also because I feel that she should have known better. Perhaps once this whole thing blows over and is behind us, we will try the trust thing again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 January 2009):
I would try and find someone to drive her back and forth to school. When she starts high school maybe a responsible student, who lives close by? You can pay the gas money for it. Or preferably an adult. I would NOT let her walk by herself anywhere near those kids.
If she wants to go to the Mall make sure she does not go by herself.
I will also suggest you call her school and ask for help dealing with the issue. I know it has nothing to do with the school but they might have resources and help for you.
I would honestly call the police as well and ask when they suggest. Talking with the Mall security might not be a bad idea either. I know they security aren't there to "baby-sit" but they are there to make people feel safe.
What is so hard is that these kids *the gang ones* are fairly harmless by themselves but once is a bigger group things can very easily escalate and become very serious.
I do NOT suggest you contact or talk to these kids. As a mother I can understand you might want to, but my main concern would be the effects of that would be "taken" out on your daughter and her friends.
Be glad your daughter felt she could talk to you. Even if you feel helpless to a point she trusts you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): First of all i would like to say that i'm sorry that your children and friends are having problems such as these, in this day and age you'd like to think our kids would all be a little safer in our communities. My son is 12 years old and as a mother all i want is the best for him and to be able to protect him but as this situation shows you cannot always be there to do so and so naturally harbour a feeling of helplessness. I personally would not do anything to escalate the situation that has now passed - but explain to the children that any kind of intimidation such as this in the future HAS to be reported back to you so that you can monitor it and then take the necessary steps to stop it from happening again. I don't know your situation or the area where you live and so i cannot give any specific advice for fear of saying the wrong thing, but i would expect that the group at the mall had nothing better to do and that the one small comment made by your daughter back to them gave them all the excuse they needed to entertain themselves for half an hour at the mall. This doesn't make their behaviour right or excuseable and they've frightened your daughter, but i would imagine that they'd feel that she was sufficiently "warned" and most likely will not incur a second incident like that of the first. If this should happen again you may need to condider supervising the children at the mall or alow them to go to a different mall if there is one near by or stress the need to be aware of their surroundings and remain unconfrontational with this group of older piers. I don't think that you'll need to arm your children in order for them to go outside, but if anything like that happens again, it perhaps needs to be reported to the proper authorities so that even they can perhaps monitor the situation - you could report it annonomously and they can review cctv from the mall and/or disband the group if they proceed to get out of hand again. I do hope that you have no further problems from this group - don't let your daughter feel like she's a victim as such as if she goes back to the mall with her head down looking like a victim, feeling scared or unable to shop safely, then she may become easily targetted because they'll know they're getting to her, so to speak. Some gentle conversation with the children, let them know they dont have to feel scared but if something should happen like this in the future that they need to come straight to you for it to be dealt with in as sensitive a way as possible. Good luck with everythingxx
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