A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I've been with my girlfriend for just under four months now and everything is great, in general. We are pretty much always on the same wavelength and we're not totally obsessed with each other, both lead our separate lives and because of this we appreciate time together more. Our relationship isn't totally dominated by our sex lives either, it means so much more to us than just that. Talking wise we can talk forever almost; we pretty much never shut up, which of course, is great. But it is this that leads itself into problems... The first problem being is that because we talk for so long and always seem to have so much to talk about, when we don't talk, or there is a lull in conversation, it becomes awkward, but surely it should be a comfortable silence? Because we are so great together? It's as if we feel obliged to both talk continuously, and if we don't, something is wrong. Leading on from that point is the place we happen to be both in. In our local town, at our lunch breaks or if we happen to have a spare few hours, sometimes we'll go around town, walking or what have you. Often walking around aimlessly like this leads itself to painfully awkward times again, which seems ridiculous as we know we can talk for so long!!! This also happens when walking to somewhere, but the strange thing is, once there and settled, everything is fine and dandy.But you have to bear in mind, whenever we go round to either of our houses, or have a proper chance to relax somewhere like a restaurant then we are so comfortable with each other, it's again, ridiculous. And when on the phone, or Skype, it always great times, just chatting. Taking into account we've sort of discussed this already and are trying to phase out going to town and aimlessly walking, but at times it has to be done. I sometimes feel that I'm so scared of losing what we have, because it's so so good, that this is why we get in these situations. Is this a possibility???Now I want to stop these rare occurrences and replace them with the majority of great times. Am I over thinking this slightly? How do I do that? Should we just accept we prefer to relax more as a couple and accept that is how our relationship is?? Is this situation normal or is something up?? Do we need another discussion on the matter? And anything else that needs answering would be very gratefully received, or just general advice. Many Thanks in advance :) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers people!!! An update on the situation being that we were in town today and stayed chatting and hanging around for three hours, great times!!! I gathered we must have both been in a bad mood when it happened and I've been overthinking this a tad!! Thankyou for all your advice :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): My boyfriend have been dating for a year, and have quiet spells as well. I have come to appreciate our silent times together as much as I appreciate having my own life, interests, friends, etc. apart from him.
I appreciate my separate life, so that the times we spend together are enjoyable, not forced, but brought about by mutual choice. I don't feel pressured to give up being who I am to fit our relationship. And I get to live two lives - mine and, vicariously, his. He also gets to learn more about who I really am when I share with him the things I do on my own when we are spending time apart. That is something he could not do if I just stopped being myself and living my own life to be who I think he wants me to be. And I learn about him, his separate interests and friends vice versa.
Similarly, the quiet spells leave me peace and quiet, so that when I am speaking to him I appreciate our conversations all the more because they aren't forced. I don't feel pressured to talk on end. I like being able to have a private thought while in the company of my boyfriend. Because if my choosing to share my private thoughts is voluntary, I also get to realize how much I must really trust and love him to open myself, my internal thoughts, the smallest details of who I really am on the inside, up to him. And if I choose not to share right at that moment, well, I get to keep some mysteries to myself so that we'll have something to talk about later - perhaps when we're old and gray together. Maybe in 40 years he will discover that I hate watermelons and think it rather odd, but elect to keep that to himself and simply nod and smile.
So really if you say all you have to say right now, what are you going to talk to your girlfriend about - assuming you're still together - 5 years, 10 years, 50 years from now? Give each other the vital essentials about who you are, your goals, likes, etc., but then save some mysteries, conversation topics, quirks for each of you to discover about one another as the years go by. Sip the relationship like a fine wine and the time you share together can be like opening a present that keeps on giving. Don't get yourself in a hurry; you'll hit the bottom of the glass too soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): honestly man, it sounds like you're thinking too much into it. It shouldnt be awkward but I know what you mean when you 2 can talk forever when you have something to talk about; but then when you run out of subjects, it feels like you should be talking about something. I've been there, I'm there now. it doesnt mean anything is wrong, sometimes you just spend time together and dont have to talk. You seem to be in a good relationship, you love each other, you're both independent people with your own lives but also in sync and love the time you have together but not up each other's asses. (i'm a quiet person) and when I think its too quiet, I'll just talk about the things I see around me to break the silence if I need to. Dont worry about it. I think it would be more awkward bringing it up like its an actual issue.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (30 April 2010):
Yes I think you are. You must accept that it is cracy to always be talking and not quiet at times. Try to be comfortable saying nothing and maybe lisson a bit more?
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