A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ive been in an exclusive fwb relationship for the past six months. I have a lot of history with this guy and I really do not know what to do. It started about just over a year ago. We had mutual friends and ranodmly hooked up, both of us just getting out of serious relationships. We did not hae sex at that time (as I was a virgin). One night a few months later and after a few times of me spending the night he told me he was starting to care about me. He was drunk so I did not pay much attention to it and kind of laughed it off. Deep down I was starting to somewhat fall for him too, but could not admit it to anyone including myself. A few weeks later I caught him at the bar with another girl. I had no right or reason to be upset by this, but it stung a little.Two weeks later I made the dumbest decision by agreeing to date my bestfreind. He had always been there for me when I needed him and I thought I owed it to the both of us to try it out. I ended up loosing my virginity to him as well as cheating on him almost imidiatly. I cheated on him with my current FWB. I continued to date my bf and continued to fool around with (but not sleeep with) my FWB for months. I had feelings for my fwb, but didnt think he wanted anything more so i was selfish and got the best of both worlds. Eventually I ended up telling my bf after a few months and calling everything off. My fwb moved away for a few months(family situation) and I was left alone. I continued to sleep with my ex BF but was being honost with him telling him I didnt want a relationship with him.A few months later and my FWB moves back home and we ended up sleeping together within a week.I told my ex BF and cut ties with him immidiatly. We continued on the FWB situation all summer (he works out of town durring the week and was only in my hometown on weeekends) We spent every night that he was here together. We are very close and have great chemestry. We cuddle, are bestfrineds and act like we are in a relationship. We have had our ups and downs over the past 6 months though. He tells me how much he cares about me and how great I am. I spend every night with him and honostly have never been happier. The problem is he refuses to commit to a relationship with me. He says he does not trust me after everything that happend with my previous boyfriend and that will never change. He has told me he loves me and I beleive every word he says...and this is coming froma girl with huge trust issues herself. I can tell when someone is full of shit and he is not.I have tried ending things, knowing he doesnt ever see this going anywhere but we end up running right back to eachother.Its a circle and I feel like I am trapped. I love him very much and i know deep down he feels the same. He has tried to let me go but he is always the one to cave first. We both cannot stop hurting eachother yet let eachother go. He is moving away perminatly in 5 months, six hours away. I will be devistated when he leaves and I want to try the long distnace thing. He says its pointless to date bc he could never trust me with him that far away. There have been times where I see him letting me in and letting himself fall more for me. Then he gets scared and pulls back. What do I do? I do not want to cut him out but he is really hurting me. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 Wow. It's really interesting, the mind of your FWB. He set the conditions of your relationship (i.e. no strings attached, no commitments, no relationship), and you followed that arrangement all the way. Basically, you lost his respect by following the rules. That happens quite a bit in these FWB things.
My suggestion to you is based on your actions during and after this relationship with the FWB and your ex, who I'm guessing wasn't okay with you not being exclusive. You shouldn't be trusted because your own trust issues are causing you to not be trustworthy.
Do not follow or continue to see this FWB, because your feelings for him as well as your desire and history of developing feelings for the men you're with are the very bane of FWB's. FWB only works if you don't have feelings for the guy and never intend to. In your case, you need to leave him, be alone for a little bit, and then find someone who you can have a real relationship with, who you can love and who will love you and only you.
See, your terror at true intimacy and being rejected has caused you to be rejected and your relationships hollow. Time to do something different.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): I think you should realize your FWB was never willing to commit from the start or he would have made you his girlfriend. I think the first step to getting over him is getting real about your situation with him. He doesn't love you the way you love him and he's been using you. Try cutting out the sex so you can see this more clearly because your judgement is really really clouded. There is also no such thing as an exclusive FWB. Exclusivity comes with commitment and he's never been willing to give you that. Sounds to me like he has you right where he wants you and he knows it. You had every right to date other people because he didn't offer you a commitment so he's being manipulative by telling you he can't trust you. It's him you can't trust and I'm sorry that with your trust issues you can't see that right now.
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