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First she said it was sex, then she said she was raped..I'm really confused

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, *haos1212 writes:

Okay, I have a huge problem. Long story short my girlfriend broke up with me and we were apart for 6 months with no communication then she called and we picked up right where we left off. Once we got back together she told me she slept with someone else and I was devasted, but figured I love her and she didn't cheat so would try to put it behind me. It has been very difficult for me to deal with imagining her with another and honestly I wish she never told me as I am now in the worst depression of my entire life. For two months we would discuss it and I would cry then three weeks ago she broke down crying and told me the guy actually raped her. She told me that she has just been trying to live her life as though she had sex with him and living in denial. When we talked about it before she would tell me its not what you think. Then I would say even the thought of her kissing another is hard for me and she would tell me she never kissed him. Her story from before pretty much lines up with what she is telling me now, but I am just so confused and I don't want to live a lie. Does anyone know if this is a common occurrence for rape victims to tell their significant other that they actually had consensual sex then a few months later reveal they were raped? I want to get past this and marry this girl but I just don't want to live a lie. Also, before she was a great support for me going through my depression caused by all this, now after she tells me its rape she refuses to discuss it at all. Therefore, if I don't believe her I am certain I will lose the love of my life. I want to believe her but it is all so confusing to me. Any help would be appreciated.

View related questions: broke up, got back together, kissing

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2009):

Fairy_Lu agony auntYou need to think long and hard about this and whether you believe it was rape or not and if you believe it was rape then you have to learn to deal with it, rape is awful trust me i know and i know hpw my familt coped when it happend to me and lucky for me my boyfriend is not botherd by what happend to me because i have learnt to cope and live with it, the fact is this is the past what happend to her was in the past you need to focus on your futures because you will drive yourself mad if you keep seeing these images and feeling awful for not being there to protect her. It may be difficult but if she can learn to deal with it then you are not helping but bringing it up.

You need to think if this relationship is working whether you believe she is lying or not because if you cant trust what she is saying then what kind of future do you have? With no trust there is no love relationships can never last if you dont trust someone.

Think about if you can live without her and be happy or weather you can live with her and constanly wonder if she lied about being raped and lead a trustless life?

If you love and trust her then forget what happend in the past and spend the rest of your lives building a healthy happy, trusting loving relationship.

If you can trust her and think you will spend your life wondering if she was or if she wasnt then you need to be brave and end it otherwise you will both end up unhappy.

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A female reader, tinylass United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2009):

tinylass agony auntim really glad you are doing something about this and i really think tht you are strong enough to get through this.

the first step to dealing with it is being able to talk about it which you are doing.

but trust me you are not alone women do sleep around but she didnt sleep around so please try not to put tht in your head.

and hypnotherapy will not erase the memory it will help you come to terms and deal with the problem.

and i agree with what you are saying tht it needs to be delt with you have lost so much and it will hard to gain it back but i believe you can do you just need faith in yourself and you dont seem to have tht yet but it will come.

im sorry i cant help alot but if you ever need to talk about it or anything else gets too much please message me and i will do my best to help you make sense of it.

good luck you can do it x

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A male reader, Chaos1212 United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

Chaos1212 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

By the way, during the break I didn't and couldn't sleep with anyone else because I loved her so much and just was completely heartbroken. Also, I can only have sex with people I love, that's just me. The reason why we broke up in the first place is all my fault. I had a gf prior to her for ten years who I had a difficult time getting completely over. When I met my new gf I fell in love with her but I was scared to get hurt again. Long story short I wasn't sure if we had the right chemistry and I just wasn't that affectionate with her. Therefore, I kind of pushed her away because I thought I just didn't have any passion for her. Well I was very wrong now that we are back we have a great sex life and the passion is there and the love always has been. I just had a hard time having sex with a different woman then the one I was with for ten years. By the way the prior relationship ended, one of ten years, when she posed for playboy and then consistently cheated on me. Honestly, the past few years have been hell dealing with the women you love having sex with other men is really not a pretty picture and I am going to therapy. I wonder if hypnotherapy can just take this thought out of my head so I am not a basket case, I am so exhibiting symptoms of Post-traumatic stress disorder. Plus I just don't know if I can handle losing her right now, I am at my lowest point and if anything else happens I am going to freak out. Thanks for the help...I just don't know if I can survive this chaos anymore and I feel cursed. I wish she just kept it all to herself I can't cope all I do is cry all day and stay in my room at my moms house...pathetic. I just keeping believing this too shall pass and just try to hang in there. I can't even pray anymore it just seems to painful...the devil is really attacking me...o well I refuse to give up...just probably will be miserable for a few years. I hope she sticks with me through this ordeal, but who wants a miserably depressed boyfriend, yeah that sounds like fun, sign me up. The thing is if she were depressed over something I did I would never leave, just the kind of guy I am. I am extremely loyal, if I love you it is a forever thing unless you leave me. You know many people are like whats the big deal you were broken up, well I understand that but my emotions are just that, my emotions. The fact we were broken up is why I am trying to work it out, because she always treated me well and she had a right to live her life. But just because we broke up doesn't mean I didn't have love in my heart for her and I guess I feel that if she was able to sleep with another she really doesn't love me or value our love. Many people break up and get back together because they realize they really do love each other, sleeping with another is not an act of love and yes I am devasted. Just think how upset people get if they see their ex out with another or even making out with another at a bar or club, so please try to understand that it hurts no different then if we were together which I have been through and it sucked. I guess I feel like the only man who goes through this stuff, I thought it was supposed to be men who slept around not women so I feel kind of alone in all of this. Especially because this girl really healed me from all the horrible stuff my ex did to me by always cheating on me. My self esteem is at an all time low and I am just a completely needy freak almost begging my new girl not to leave while I recover, how unattractive. I am doomed I need to be the confident strong man she fell in love with and she killed that person by telling me this horrible stuff. If I could just believe her I would have no reason to be upset, except the entire rape thing brings on a entire new set of emotions. My heartbreaks for her if its true, I feel guilty I wasn't there to protect her, I have horrible images of her getting raped. Those images were put there becasue she told me it was consensual, if she just told me the truth I would have just thought of it as a brutal crime and wouldn't have these images, now those images are of her getting raped which is just totally brutal. You know I am screwed cause even if we break up I still have to deal with this stuff. As the saying goes you can divorce the person but you can't divorce your emotions. I am 37 today and I hope I can heal from this by 40 and still have a decent life, hopefully with her. I figure I need about two years to emotionally heal from this, I told her and she understands, but we will see I can tell she is already losing patience especially since she claims it was rape and now doesn't understand why I would still be devasted since she didn't do anything. You see my emotions don't believe her so I just don't know what to do. Honestly, I am scared to death to start all over at 37 and don't know if I will ever get married or have a family if this doesn't work out which looks pretty doubtful. I have to get over all the crazy stuff then get over her and then try to get my entire life together and look for love again. Heartbreak is brutal and I just can't take anymore.

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A female reader, tinylass United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2009):

tinylass agony auntafter reading both comments maybe she told you that she was raped in the end because she was comsumed with guilt and didnt want to lie to you anymore.

i see that you have lost alot from what has happened but she will have lost just as much.

i am glad your trying to understand what happened to her. but i am abit confussed when you say at the top tht she has proved it and then later you say you only have her story.

i think you need to talk to her about what is going on with you and how you feel she might be able to help to understand it.

also i see that the main problem you mention is tht she slept with someone else while you were on the break did you?

the only thing you can do and really need to do is get some help tht can be in the form of counselling or hypnotherepy which could also help you deal with it.

if you dont deal with it soon it may get to the point where she has had enough or you have and you lose each other.

and yes alot of women dont go to the police because if it gets to court they tear you apart. some people after being raped can be effected later in life with things such as trust issues and also in some cases they can develop mental problems such as anxiety panic attacks.

you have to ask yourself if you love and trust her enough to believe her and try and get past it.

i really hope it helps and everything works out x

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A male reader, Chaos1212 United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

Chaos1212 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your responses. I need to mention the only reason why I bring any of it up is because she told me it was consensual to begin with and I have been hurting because of it. If she had not said anything or in the alternative told me it was rape since the beginning I would not question her at all and never bring it up. I would just be as loving and supportive as I can. I guess that is part of the problem me not believing 100% how can I then be a supportive partner. So I only bring it up in regards to me getting over her being with another man. Many have told me that if she doesn't report it then it's not rape. Well I have been doing a lot of research on this subject and most woman don't and simply don't want to go through that painful process. I have also talked to various rape counselors you tell me they heard similar stories and that is very common even wives telling their husband it was consensual for years and them dealing with it like it was infidelity then years later revealing it was rape. I know it seems strange but I do believe her, but unfortunately I was told for so long it was consensual I just can't change my thought process. It's like someone telling you the world is flat for so long then that just becomes reality and then they say it's actually round and they even show you all the proof it's just hard to believe and change your thinking after things have been etched in your brain. I am so depressed and not functioning at all. All I do is lie in bed and cry. I am an attorney who had his own practice over all of this...the break-up and everything else I lost everything. I referred all my work out lost all my money and moved back in with my mom. Now everyday is a nightmare. I am glad I have her back but this is just eating away at me and I wonder if I will ever be happy with her or normal again. I just want to laugh and enjoy her company as before. Instead, this has created a chasm between us and there is no longer an us, there is a me and her. I want to create an intergrated and interdependant life with her. I guess it will just take time. This sucks all I ever wanted was to live a happy healthy life, I wish she never told me it was consensual, especially because I am 98% sure it wasn't. I just need to get that 2% otherwise I will always wonder and I don't think I will ever be able to heal. I guess that's why I feel in trouble because it comes down to trust and faith as the only thing I will ever get is her story. I would have completely trusted her been supportive if she told me from beginning, it was her that created all of this confusion in my brain and she needs to understand that. However, I realize how painful rape must be and how unfair it is of me to keep trying to solve my confusion at her expense. We are both really loving caring people and it would be a shame if we lose each other over some horrible thing that happened to her. Once again thanks for all the support and advice.

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2009):

Fairy_Lu agony auntAs a victim myself i know how hard it is to come to terms with what happend and telling someone else is soo difficult so you do have to be patient and not keep brining it up.

I do think its strange she said they had sex and then when you talked about it after awhile she then confessed it was rape kinda makes me think she feels guilty for having sex with someone else and is trying to ease that guilt by saying it was rape.

If she has been raped then its best you both go and seek help to help you deal with this because although she may seem ok at the moment in time it may effect herc and you aswell.

Rape is an awflu thing to go for not only for the person who was raped but also family and partners. And she may not want to talk bout it now because in her own mind she is trying to deal with it just be patient about it eventually she will open up about it (sometimes this can take years).

However if she is lying eventually she will get so consumed with guilt she will confess.

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A female reader, tinylass United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2009):

tinylass agony auntmaybe she told you at first that she had sex with him because she was ashamed at what had happened to her.

it is hard to deal with rape and alot of the time the brain blocks out what has happened and it is hard to remember and painfull too. i know tht you are going through a great deal with the depression tht was caused by this but just take a moment to think bout how and what she is going through she might not want to talk bout it but it might be effecting her more than she is letting show.

you just need to be there for each other and make sure she knows that you always will like she is for you.

i hope this helps good luck x

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