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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a hard time being connected with my body during sex. I cant seem to shut my mind up - I just constantly concentrate on trying to have an orgasm or trying to get "wet" - but I can never seem to relax and enjoy it, I do have orgasms but somtimes it seems like its not even worth it because it takes so long and its so stressful trying to concentrate.Maybe i have a problem with intimacy or surrendering i dont know but my relationship is going to end if i dont fix myself...any suggestions?
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 It is a common thing with very busy women not being able 'shut their minds up' while making love. There are women who aren't able to achieve an orgasm until their sexual peak age.
With your partner start on fore-play, enough to help shut your mind off. Try whole body massages, naked tag, whip cream body painting, strip poker or anything else that would be enjoyable for both of you. This shouldn't be work it should be fun.
There are a lot of sexual relation books with or without pictures to help give you more ideas. It also helps to become very familiar with your own body the book "Everything your mother never told you about SEX" is a good choice. This will give you a really good education on YOU!
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (8 March 2006):
 Oh love, what do mean 'fix yourself'. You are not broken! And bless you, you don't need fixing. It sounds as if you are not comfortable with your sex life at the moment. Are there other deeper issues that are bothering you, or do you feel pressured into keeping your boyfriend happy via sex?
You're right about your problem with intimacy. It does sound as if you have a problem with it. Which is exactly the reason you shouldn't force yourself to be intimate when you soo obviously are not ready. You really need to address the intimacy problems that you have, where do they stem from? When you've dealt with them, you may be able to relax more, not just in bed, but in general.
Have you thought about counselling to deal with your insecurities, there are some really well trained people out there, you can be shocked by the results of dealing with anxieties.
Honey if you are not relaxed enough to have sex then explain to your boyfriend and don't do anything you are not comfortable with. If he respects and loves you he will appreciate that you have other issues to deal with before you feel able to relax in bed. If he doesn't then you could do better without him.
Hey, if I'm way of the mark here and you don't have unresolved issues to deal with, then here's another suggestion...(It could help even if you also have issues) Without meaning to be crude... You could spend less time trying to relax and getting to know your body with your boyfriend... And more time doing by yourself. Learn to pleasure yourself, find out where your hot spots are... yes I'm talking about masturbation... If you touch yourself in a comfortable environment where NOBODY can walk in on you or interupt, you may be able to relax more and get into stimulating yourself. Once you know what you enjoy you can start teaching your boyfriend, and you will be more confident because you will already know what works....
And one last thing you don't need to have an orgasm every time you have sex, I don't.. if I did I probably would never stop doing it... Sex is about intimacy as well... If you are having sex and you start to feel uncomfortable tell him to stop.
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