A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married to 4 years with 3 kids and we've been together for 10 years. We live together before we got married 5 years before we got married and his mom was a control freak. Whenever we go visit her she will complain about me right in front of my face to my boyfriend now husband . She was aggravated at him for spending too much time with me and not with his sister and her kids constantly. She treat me like I'm stupid and she always called him and chat for hours whenever we're going on vacation. I admit he was a momma's boy and I didn't say anything to him or his mother since we are not married. My boyfriend at the time "will not" make any decision in life utill his mom approved it. After we got married I got pregnant that's when she got even more controlling, she "only" call her son and ask how's he's doing and only visit us when he's home she still act the same way after our 3 kids she only visit her grandkids when my husband is off work. She will call and complain about me to my husband while she's on speaker and I heard everything......everyrhing is "my fault" if her son don't have time to spend with her it's automatically my fault. She bullied me for so long now that I don't care anymore to try to get close to her, I don't trust her and I don't believe any word she says to me. My husband apologize to me for allowing her to bully me in the past and he's trying to stop her from bullying me. Mother in law was on the phone one day and my husband got into an argument with her I heard her said " I've known you longer than your wife and kids so it would be fair for me to ask more about you", my feeling were so hurt and i almost cried, is there anyone have gone through this experience? My sister in law would called and yelled and my husband to spend time with their mother and she knows huge part of him not close to their mom it's me, I'm thinking of moving out of state so I don't see them anymore but my parents live close to them and I don't want to live far away form them. I'm taking medication when I was pregnant and for baby blues b/c of the stress my mother in law puts me through.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): I agree with the first anonymous post. Unless you and hubby are completely shoulder to shoulder on this issue then she will create a rift between you. Unfortunately he has not shut the situation down and has let it get worse - now he is left trying to solve it and it looks like its all because of you. I was in exactly the same situation as you and systematically it destroyed my marriage - mainly because my husband at the time let it. Narcissistic types of mothers rule their children and can be manipulative. I would strongly strongly suggest you move away. Have you explained to your own parents what is wrong? They may move to be nearer to you later? If your respect for your husband has not been eroded completely and you believe if he fights for you and your family then I say get yourself away from her. Zero tolerance is required for her actions. If she starts degrading you on the phone your husband needs to hang up and not answer the phone. Tough measures that you agree together to stick to are required. This has gone on long enough. My own experience was that my husband did not stand up for me properly and I lost faith in him. That, combined with relentless put downs from his family, his mother in particular, meant that I didn't see the point of putting myself through it anymore. Since, I have met a man with a family who are nice to me and loving so the experience has proved it was not acceptable. I hope you get the support you need from your husband - he has a choice to make I'm afraid.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 September 2014):
 This is such a common issue, and a sad one too.
YOU and your husband really need to talk this out. Find out what you NEED from him, and how to deal with the MIL/sister as a united front.
1. I would talk to your husband and explain that you understand his mom means a lot to him (whether you like it or not). So maybe arrange for him to have some visit (go see her) by himself more often. (if HE wants to)
2. As a condition for 1. I would say he needs to tell his mom & his sister to stop harping on you. IT IS his mom, THEREFORE he needs to take the bull by the horns and set some boundaries with his mom AND his sister. For instance if she calls and starts harping on you, he COULD tell her : "enough of bad mouthing my wife, if you can't stop doing that I'm going to cut this conversation short". "You can call me again when you have other things to talk about". He NEEDS to put his foot down.
3. OF course this MIL's priority is her son. Not you and not your children, DO NOT take that personal. She HAS known him longer, that is true. THIS is who she is. She doesn't understand that when a man marries, the mom IS still important BUT she is NO LONGER #1. And I think HIS mom really resent YOU for her "downgraded status".
4. when your husband TALKS to him mom, tell him to NOT do it on speaker - I mean is he TRYING to hurt you, by making you listen to his mom's rantings?
It sounds like your MIL is a single woman who "rules" her kids by yelling and manipulation (if you don't do as I say you MUST not love your mom!! kind of thing). The sister is mimicking her mom. Most likely because IF your husband don't spend "enough" time on their mom, SHE has to deal with their mom. That kind of behavior is really hard to deal with.
For what it is worth, I would stay out of the family (his side) drama. Support your husband and expect him to support you.
ACCEPT that this is WHO she is, she won't change. So HOW you DEAL with her will have to. ACCEPT that you feeling bad over things she said is pointless. Because you CAN NOT change how she thinks, feel or act. But you can STOP giving a flying DUCK about what she thinks.
You and your husband need to be on the same page, but your HUSBAND needs to be the one to DEAL with her. And he really needs to find it in himself to stand UP to her. IF he can't do that... well, then you are in for DECADES of MIL-tirades.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): Yes, been there, done that, but worse than what you describe.
The ONLY thing that will change it is if your husband fully agrees with you that his Mum is not allowing him to grow up properly and is still controlling him.
Without him wanting to change the situation you are in a losing battle and you'd be better off out of it because the stress could make you very ill.
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