A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship and I love my girlfriend a lot. She's always expressed that she doesn't like the idea of pornography or masterbation, and so I've never admitted to liking either of these things. We've been together a few years, of which we have been studying in different cities, and currently different countries. During this time we've both been faithfull, and I've always tried to resist the temptation of looking at porn. But as we go weeks without seeing each other, sometimes I do, and I feel really guilty and angry with myself. I can't talk to her about it, because I don't want to hurt her anymore than I want her to leave me. Is this normal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): I'm not religious, this has nothing to do with religious feeligs, but like you i feel guilty and unfaithful to my girlfriend who i love dearly. When i was alone, i'd do it usually only with imagination maybe once a week, but when i got internet found myself getting addicted and the porn scenes would play out in my head for hours later. Then i managed to break this addiction and realised i was spending too much time and energy with virtual images, avoiding and not needing real contact and wasting all the energy that could've gone into that. i also found myself looking at women just as sex toys for my pleasure,not only undressing them but imagining them as all potential porn actresses dying to get as many c*Ks in their holes as possible.
I've been with my partner for 4 months and we have good sex but last weekend she went to a wedding in the south of russia and it was my birthday, i ended up coming home from a bar t 7am dead drunk, and horny as hell. I found some internet porn and whacked off, fine, went to sleep, lept like a baby...next day woken at 2pm by my girlfriend phoning to wish me happy valentines day, and i just filled with this aching painful sense of loss and sadness, as if i really had betrayed her, with other women, and in my heart, and my body, i felt i had!! That's what matters, how we feel about it, her voice, so full of love and tenderness, and i was hungover stunk of cigarette smoke and felt like i'd been with a prostitute, at the end of the day, you are betraying because the orgasm is something you usually share with the one you love, and it's special, and you should feel more than her body at that point, there should be more than just a feeling of physical relief. The worst thing was, the images and scenes i'd jerked off to kept playing in my mind, as if the woman being fu**d was still in my room, hanging around, not letting me go...porn degrades us because it takes away our libido from the direction of the person we love, and wastes it on a stranger who you can share absolutely NOTHING with. My mind for hours was so fulll of these images that to my horror i found i could't picture my girlfriend's face, and when i did see it, it was of someone in pain, who'd i'd lost...who i'd left...and i felt such a terrible sadness. She was thinking of me, waitiing for me...Later that evening new and worse feelings kicked in, and this is where the damage to the relatinship started, and left its scars. As the evening went on, because i couldn't see her AS HER, and could only picture her in the same pornographic reduced way i saw those women, I imagined her in her tight dress and boots at her wedding party 800km away, and i started to fill with physical jealousy...because i couldn't FEEL her, only see the IMAGE of her...her sexiness had become HER in my mind...and I started to wonder if other men were dancing with her, offering her compliments and chatting her up..and i imagined her as the same as those women in the films, just a sexual creature wanting to be pummelled by lots of guys at once...in other words..all the LOVING NORMAL images of her as the person i love and respect..HAD GONE. My rage built up mingled with shame and self disgust, i imagined all the men at the party as dirty predators because that's how i felt about myself now...and i couldn't stop the jealousy...i started sending some text messages..."HAs anyone complimented you on your dress yet.."...."How's your Valentine's night going..."..."Had any offers or declarations of love yet"...and she was obviously puzzled and upset, and by this time, i really started to hate myself. She called finally after what seemed like hours, and i was happy to hear her voice its usual sweet lovely self, but i was searching in it for something, some, any , tiny hint of betrayal. She told me one older guy (52) who'd tried to seduce her when she was 18(she's 24 now) had phoned her and she'd told him she now had a boyfriend (me), and i got so mad, accused her when it was him who phoned, as if she was guilty for him calling, and i even put the phone down. All this happened becuase i'd got drunk, had a wank over porn, and then lost my self respect, therefore believing her to be as capable of betrayal as i was.
And ...what's worse...if some nice girl had been naked in my flat when i got home drunk, and not her...i doubt, in all honesty, i'd have had any more scruples than i did with the porn. It's nasty, nasty stuff and I pray to ...whoever...i can stop this destructive habit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Don't feel guilty, All humans get urges that we need to tend too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): don't feel guilty for looking at porn. were all human and its something we all do, no matter if e admit to it or not!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): I am 22 and engaged to my girlfriend. I love her so much, she means the world to me and I would never cheat on her with another woman. EVER! Trouble is I do seem to get raging hormones on a regular basis, and its not very nice for my girlfriend if i keep getting horny and aroused with her when she just wants to chill out and relax. Therefore I occasionally masturbate to some soft porn when shes at home, just to ease up a little. But the same as you I always feel guilty afterwards. She once saw a website on my history before, which reduced her to tears, and I felt completely sick with myself. I've definately cut down since then, and I just hope its a phase that will eventually pass.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): this is the first time i have given an answer to anyone's question over an internet forum like this one, but i have read some of the things that have been said and all the answers that have been posted have valid points, personally i know how you feel, i am in a similar situation, i love my gf to pieces and i have tried hard to give up porn, although it seems i have not tried hard enough because i have given into temptation many times, my own veiw is that you should give it up, ive found that when you get the temptation it is good to read a book or do something to take your mind off it, i do not think masturbating is wrong, if you feel that you really shouldn't do it then try and set a limit as to how much you do it, say once a month for example, it might be hard but it doesn't have to be as extreme as that, it could be once every 3 days or something, just don't try and suddenly stop, you need to ease off it because then it will be easier to stop altogether.at he end of the day if your gf really does love you then she will accept the fact that you masturbate, and remember; no matter how many times you try to give up porn and fail, you can always try again, eventually you'll do it and who knows, maybe you will feel great about yourself.good luck dude
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): i don mind porn, but it depends on the type of porn. i watch porn, but thru internet i found thers sum realy nasty stuff out ther & i find it hard to belive a decent person wud be entertained by that. i prefer dvds at adult shops, this is much more reputable than the crap u can find on the net! if u don know who made it, who's in it, not sure if they consented to do it & enjoyed the experience, DONT WATCH IT!
ya, its not healthy to let masturbating completely replace sex when u are in a relationship. u must try ph sex, cyber sex, 2 get some sort of sexual connection between the 2 of u, u need that! without that how can u say u in a relationship, ha, more like u got a friendship with this lady!
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reader, xylplxym  +, writes (20 January 2008):
Dont feel ashamed for feeling guilty. I know as a guy we are supposed to want to watch porn and have sex all the time, but that doesn't make it right. You are not wrong to feel guilty since by looking at porn you basically cheat on your girlfriend. And I don't know many girls who like to be cheated on by images. Also, you are guilty that you are essentially lying to her by not saying anything.
You've made the correct choice to try and quit, but don't expect it to come easily. I've been trying for quite sometime now and let me tell you, it's not easy especially with the internet.
Don't listen to people who say it's okay because it isn't okay to decive your girlfriend or cheat on her with images. And just to clarify, masturbating is not healthy, it is not unhealthy, it simply has no value (self-pleasure doesn't count as valuable).
I know society today has degraded so that wathing porn is not looked down upon, but your conscience is right so you better listen to it.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 She does not like porn does not mean that you don't like porn too. You should just be more discreet and she does not have to know about this activity.
You respect her opinions and don't look at porn in her presence or leave those materials lying around .
There is nothing to be guilty about.If you feel guilty , then don't do it.
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male
reader, Pig  +, writes (20 January 2008):
Cmmon man there is nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly natural for men and even women to like porn. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. And what is more, you should watch porn more often. That is until your girlfriend talks to you about it and tells you that she doesn't like the idea of you watching it. And if she does you should respect her wishes and cut down on it. But even in that case there is nothing wrong with a porn film here and there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): I completely understand her dislike for pornography, but I don't understand her dislike for masturbation. Masturbation is a healthy, normal, non-betraying way to relieve sexual tension. People do not need pornography to masturbate. I for instance masturbate often, but I don't believe in porn. If you have a vivid sexual imagination, why don't you use that? I am in the same situation as you are- my boyfriend and I have been together 2 1/2 years, for the past 5 months he's been living at home in the UK while I am living in America. I told him how I feel about pornography (that it is tacky, degrading, and ugly), but I would never ask him not to masturbate. We often do it together over the phone, which seems to help. I suppose If I were you, I wouldn't tell her you've been looking at porn- you would break her heart, but I would try to stop. In todays society porn and masturbation seem to go hand in hand but they don't have to- it has never been as widespread as it is now. There must be a way that she will come round and accept that you masturbate, maybe she will want to do it with you over the phone sometime? You obviously need to be getting a sexual release, there ARE ways of doing this without cheating or looking at porn. Maybe she will send you pictures of herself to look at... Anyway, just remember to respect her as much as she does you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): As long as there are no children or animals in what you are watching and it's all consenting, it's fine. No reason to feel guilt. If your gf doesn't like it, then tough for her. If she were into watching porn and you didn't like it, would SHE stop at your request? Probably not.
One measure of a good relationship is "moral compatibility". If you and she don't have it, it's a sign. It may not mean that the two of you should part ways, but it will mean there's this "moral divergence" that is likely to re-surface later. Remember good, healthy relationships require some work, but should not require massive re-tooling of oneself or denial of one's likes and tastes. One can mix bleach with ammonia-- but one shouldn't. Got the idea?
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