A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex was supposed to pay half a deposit for a pregnancy antenatal visit. He had agreed (prior to breaking up) to pay half then 1 hr before the appointment today he decided to go back on his words and not pay...meaning I am now trying to get any appointment I can, since missing this one. The amount was so huge I could not make up the difference myself. Though I had half the fee ready myself in case he came around. I told him to give me loads of notice if he couldnt, but to tell me 1 hr before the appointment that he had changed his mind was really unfair. Coupled in with the fact my dad heard it all over his phone. I now feel shell shocked and traumatised. I am nearly 4 months pregnant. My partner denies that the baby is his though the dates make it v clearly his. We were on and off before the baby was conceived. I told him I don't mind doing a paternity test if it clears up any issues he might have..but that I was not worried of the result. I am sure it is his. I would like it to work out for the child's sake but obviously can't make him try and not going to either. For last few days prior to breakup he had tried and bought me food to cook and stuff...mainly for him and was acting more pregnant then myself. The breakup happened in a weird way, I asked him to put the toilet seat down and to clean up after himself as am just getting over a dose of the flu and was feeling myself...he accused me of niggling him...which I guess he means nagging..I said no..I am not pointing the finger at you - am simply telling you how I feel so you can take that on board..as he was living in my place...I was just simply asking him to take care..nothing else cos I like a clean home and I felt like his mother..cooking and cleaning up after him. He doesnt get on with his mum and refuses to tell his parents about the baby...his reason: in case it doesnt come out as mine. I was like what the hell..I said fine..upto you.. all the evidence from the hospital I have presented to you already..it could not be any clearer. I gave him all hospital documentation to be fair so that he could see for himself rather then just rely on what I say. He is constantly flipping behaviours. One min excited for the baby - the next he wants nothing to do with me. I thought that would wear off by 4 months. So now am just avoiding him altogether..cos I can't take the Jeckyl and Hyde routine...he doesnt even want to go to any scans or be at the birth...has been really weird about it all. Don't know what to think. But I would like not to currently hate him for what he is doing. I hate the fact he is in a way disrespecting the child..who is innocent in all of this, by staying in denial..how can I even forgive him when he has let the child down when it needed that appointment so much??? I have had a child die on me before shortly after birth..he knows this all...am a high risk case.. why would he want to give me a stress. My dad even said oh maybe he just tries to make you miscarry..but before any of this happened he said he really wanted a baby..and if I had thought he was going to be like this I certainly wouldn't have risked it with him...Any advice would be much appreciated..thanks for reading..
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those who replied...I appreciate your feedback. I agree he is def going through mixed up emotions. He said he can't stomach to be there at the birth or scans in case its not his. I think you are right but he is at the same time constantly doubting its his even though the facts have been laid out to him on the table by the medical expert. I am happy I have become independent. I hate the fact I still have massive feelings for him. I carry a torch for him that I do not really want to carry. When he decided not to pay in the end, I was shocked at how he told me like as if it didn't matter. I couldn't understand why he didnt in the least sound a tiny bit guilty..I know if I was the man and had done that to the girl would have said sorry or felt bad..he just coldly said no and I was annoyed and said why didnt you just give me notice if that was the case as previously agreed. Anyway phone was cut needless to say...no point in fighting since I had made a valid point to him. Enough said. I contacted GP hopefully her referral will secure something for me but its still up in the air..so not fun..thanks guys...
A
male
reader, Confuzzled012  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I think he's in between emotions, not about you, but about the baby. When women find out they're having a baby, they have to be there. The baby is inside of her so unless hse aborts, she can't just walk away. But men, have that option. If they're not ready or start freaking out, they don't have to be there, which probably puts more stress on them having to decide between right and wrong, despite what their emotions tell them.
My guess is, when he's excited and there for you, he's ok with the idea of a baby. But when he freaks out and tell you it's not this and he doesn't know that he can be at the birth of another man's child, etc., he doesn't actually beleive it's not his child. He's just not sure of himself as a father at that moment, and is prejustifying a potention walk-out on his child. In other words, he's making excuses to you right now, thinking he may leave. By telling you it's not his, he thinks it gives him a better excuse to walk away.
I'm almost positive he knows the child is his. if he didn't, he wouldn't go though any excitement period. He would be constantly doubting.
So my advice to you, just keep doing what you're doing. He's going through his own thing right now and you jsut have to sit through the stages. Do encourage him though.. tell him on a regular basis that you know he's going to be a great father and that his child is going to adore him. Let him know that you believe him him, and you're there for him, and you want to have his child and for him to know him/her.
I think that come birth time, he'll be there.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 This guy does not deserve to be a father!! I can understand it will be tough on you financially, but the best thing is to cut all ties with him! Both you and the baby will be better off without him. And i know it's always tough to tell your child why there dad isn't around but to be honest, although i know who my dad is, i grew up without him, I have never needed him and i have turned out just fine! All i'm saying with that is, you don't have anything to worry about if you do decide to raise that child yourself.
It will be hard if you raise it yourself, but i know a lot of people who are single parents who are dealing with their situations in a way that is only admirable!!
Could you maybe ask your dad if he could help you out with money so you can make another appointment?
Good Luck and all the best to you!
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