A
female
age
51-59,
*akester
writes:He breaks up with me every time we fight.today was the third time, so 3 fights in 8 months not bad but last time we talked it through and i was left feeling like i talked him back into being with me. This time I'm resolved to let him go...3 strikes your out. I've never come across this before and am confused. Everything else about him and us has been great, only complaint that he hasn't intro'd me to his family, but says he wanted to, just no time at present. But this breaking up with me, declaring he's done, all over texting, is it a guy thang or should I just let him go.any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I was with my ex for 2.5 years, and he would break up with me after every fight. It wore me down so much emotionally that when we were finally in a good place (but we barely spoke because he was working or sleeping all the time and had moved a couple hours away), I had time to think about the stuff he had put me through and the ways I changed and didn't feel like myself anymore, so I left. It left him confused seeing as we were in a good place, but since breaking up with him, I've found myself again, and I've found an amazing guy who doesn't hurt me anymore.
I don't think it's worth it to stay in that kind of relationship. That's just my personal opinion. I just hope for your happiness in the end.
A
female
reader, jakester +, writes (4 April 2011):
jakester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback and honesty. That makes so much sense with fears he's shared with me, commitment, lack of resolve and an abusive relationship he had in the past, so disagreements may trigger worse worries for him. The sad issue here, I have abandonment issues, neglected as a child and tossed between homes growing up, being left is a fear for me and he pushes that button. It's so confusing,and ironic that we found each other ha ugh! just last week he was telling me about growing old together, and we've been making plans to move in together in June?!!!
Can I ask what does your fiance do when you tell him its over?
Last time he said this, we didn't talk for a week, I gave him his space, but making up was like a counseling session, and I felt robbed of any apologies for his behavior. So happy I found this site, its been so helpful and thanks again
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (4 April 2011):
Hi
well, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years.
At the beginning, we had lots, and constant fights. Most of them were because I didn't wanted to tell my parents I had a girlfriend. [She was my first girlfriend, and I was really afraid of telling my parents I had a girlfriend].
Most of the times, the fights were about me not telling my parents about us. And also, because of things I did wrong, and my bad conduct.
Each and every fight we had, I told her I wanted to break up with her. I was very frightened of telling my parents about her.
As the time went by, and I finally after 1 or 2 years, I presented her to my parents as a girlfriend. Yes, there were lots of problems since that. But we stopped arguing and fighting.
Later I discovered I had an Avoidant Personality Disorder, which might explain why I wanted to end with her. I didn't want problems, I had always avoided them. And when this girl appeared in my life telling me my flaws, and creating conflict, I got very frustrated.
Actually, I just break up with her 1 time, but the same day we went back together. Later, when we fought, I told her my love towards her dropped to Zero when we fought. But any other day, I loved her very much. I never ever told her that we were breaking up again when we fought. The only thing that might explain this is my avoidant personality disorder.
Perhaps your man has this disorder. Try reading the Wikipedia to learn more about that:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
Your man might love you a lot. But he might get very frustrated when you argue with him. He might feel, that he is putting a lot in the relationship, and that he doesn't understand why are you complaining for something he feels that there is no need to be complaining about [I tell you this because this is what I thought, and got very frustrated in the beginning]
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, jakester +, writes (4 April 2011):
jakester is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for the feedback. I should correct, we've had disagreements not fights. Disagree, debate, he talks, I talk, then something tweeks for him and he states, 'i can't handle this touchy feely stuff...i'm done'. Well pointed out that we talk about it, we did that, he owned it, said he wouldn't do it again, surprise!! As also pointed out, a 'serial dater' and 'too much drama' agreed, not to mention hard on my ego :) We'll see, thanks again...
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 If he breaks up with you after every fight, I wonder about it. What I mean is, in most relationships its normal to have at least some disagreements.......but you spoke of "fights" which rightly or wrongly, gives me the impression these are about more serious issues. (Correct me if I'm wrong). Especially his wanting to end it each time.
Can you sit down together and talk about your separate concerns, choosing a time when you're not both still angry? If so, perhaps you'll be able to resolve what it is that leads to fighting.
Otherwise, the two of you might not be all that compatible. Better to find it out, if that is the case, sooner rather than later.
I wish you all the best in dealing with it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): 3 is also my magic number for break ups. I hate serial break ups and I've told people point blank in the beginning when they suggest a "separation" that I don't do serial break ups. If it bothers you, I suggest you have a similar conversation about it and stick to your guns if he decides to break up...don't try to get him back.As counter intuitive as it sounds, I've noticed that people who serially break up do it because it makes them feel more secure. It's as if they prove to themselves the relationship is real and demonstrate the strength of it (and their partner) by breaking it up and healing it over and over. If you break up countless times, then a true and irreparable break up seems harder to imagine and virutally impossible. You distance the reality of separation by playing it out every couple months in a charade. Personally, it's too much drama for me.I would let him come back to you this time. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sunshinesmile +, writes (4 April 2011):
I'm sorry that you're going through this but I can try to give you some idea of what might be happening. I'm a girl but I've been known to do this in the past too...with my fiance! Everytime we fight I tell him that I'm done and I want to walk away. There are 2 reasons I do this. One: I was never taught conflict resolution skills and I hate conflict so my first response is to run (think fight or flight). The second reason is because I feel that I don't want to put the hard work into the relationship that it deserves and at that moment anything seems better to me than trying to work out a problem, even if it means walking away for good (think commitment issues). I'm not saying that what he's doing is right in any way but maybe this will give you an idea of why he does it. Hope this helps :)
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