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female
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*aine
writes: I am 17 years and have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years with Sean. We have never had sex during this time but have been intimate. However, as I started high school, I became attracted to another and began flirting. This led to me breaking up with Sean and getting to know the other. Then I realised my mistake and Sean and I got back together. I promised him that I wouldn't do it again and he took me back. Lo and behold, I kissed the other again. I don't even know what I am doing or who I am anymore. I just hate hurting Sean. What should I do?
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (10 October 2005):
 Seventeen is very young to have been involved in a relationship for so long. I'm not surprised you have started to feel attracted to other men - part of growing up is playing around with the opposite sex and learning what works for you in a relationship, and it sounds as though you've been so busy having a long-term boyfriend that you haven't really had a chance to consider whether that boyfriend is really the best person for you to be with. At your age, you have the freedom to experiment and try different things, but you've denied yourself this freedom by getting involved with just one boy for so long. Why is this? Are you perhaps afraid of "being alone"? Some people have an idea that it's the most important thing in the world to have a partner, but actually being on your own isn't so scary, especially at seventeen! You're having to work at this relationship, and that's not really right when you're so young - you don't have kids or responsibilities together, so why are you so desperate to make this work? You yourself obviously realise that Sean isn't the right guy, and that's why you keep cheating on him. I think it's interesting that you write "Lo and behold, I kissed the other again." You sound as if you're not facing up to the fact that the kiss didn't just happen ito/i you, you took the decision to kiss that person and you were fully aware of the situation. I know you hate to hurt Sean, because you are a nice person, but ultimately you are going to hurt him more by stringing him along than by telling him straight that you need to experience the kind of fun, casual relationships that young people are meant to have. Perhaps once you've spent some time alone, you'll realise that he iis/i the one after all - but you need to find this out for yourself rather than forcing yourself to work at a relationship which currently is causing you more pain than joy.
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