A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am late 40's and have been involved with a man for 4 years...a comitted relationship, but we are not engaged and do not live together. We each have 2 children...older teenagers. The beginning of our relationship was great, expected to marry this man and blend families. During the 4 years he has gained 100+ lbs and is considered morbidly obese. He was heavy before, but when we started dating he was active and fit. We are currently taking a break from each other to sort out our issues and decide if we can work things out. Our issues are: no intimacy-as I am not attracted to him and am actually embarassed by his appearance and behaviors related to being obese. His family also does not treat me or my children well, we are not treated like 'family' after 4 years. We are invited to events, but no-one talks to my children or includes them in gift giving. This has even happened when I have hosted Holidays in my own home for his family. I also cannot picture living with his kids, as they are allowed to do whatever they want and are slobs. He makes a decent living, but they live in a run down apartment which he claims is too messy for me to visit. He has recently started getting suspicious of my activities, as I am not including him in everything I do. He also has started putting me in 'no win' situations, where if I don't do what he suggests, then I am shunned.On the other hand, he has been kind to my children, tolerant of their issues and usually kind to me. We enjoy each other's company (like friends). He has been helpful to me in the past (not recently) when I needed physical help from him in house related issues.I don't feel like I am in love with him but I love him as a person. I cannot decide to settle (at my age) and have a lifelong companion or let him go and eventually start looking for a better match for me. The obesity is a huge issue, as I don't think he will live very long if he doesn't lose weight. Please don't tell me to encourage him to be active...I have done all that I can. He will diet, gain weight, diet, gain weight etc. He refuses to see a doctor for help.Anyway.....need advice.
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reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Addressing your response about his weight:
Does he have a full time job or something that keeps him busy? My girlfriend's dad, who I was referring to in my last response, was a stay at home dad and didn't work. His depression came out of boredom and he filled the void by eating.
If he doesn't have a job, or does have one but it doesn't keep him busy for the whole day, see if there is some activity you both can join together. Maybe instead of going about this thinking exercise is the answer, the real answer is just keeping him busy enough to keep from depression. Find out what he enjoys (fishing, hunting, baseball, basketball, sports, photography, etc, etc) It doesn't have to be active, just a hobby to captivate his attention and free time.
The busier he keeps himself (busy in a healthy way, not to the point of stress) the more joy he'll get out of his life. Plus that's less time he's bored, meaning less time spent eating out of lack of anything else to do.
If he finds a hobby he wants to pursue, try joining it with him. Show him you're interested in what he has taken an interest in and perhaps you can grow even closer through doing it together.
I'm not saying this will work, but I do think its a different approach than what has been taken and may be the one that gets through to him. Instead of solving what appears to be the issue (food) you're trying to solve what may really be the underlying issue (depression) that leads to his solace in eating. Depression is natural in a guys life, especially around that age. Find out about something he's always wanted to do, but has been passing off because of kids, work, etc and help him find the time to pursue it. Like I said, it doesn't have to be active; just something that will keep him busy and make him feel good about himself for accomplishing or pursuing something. Once again, try taking an interest in it yourself and see if you can kill two birds with one stone and become closer together as well :)
Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies thus far, I am looking forward to more suggestions.
A note on his weight issues. He has trouble for 20 years, but lost 130 lbs and started running marathons (when we met). He stayed fit for a year. He has since gained most back, lost a bunch, gained it back, lost it....etc....
I do believe he might be depressed also and I have talked to him sweetly and in depth about this. I believe he is addicted to food. I feel like he has chosen food over our relationship. If he can't help it...he needs to get help.
I have been tough on him, but also tender when needed.
Nothing has worked. I talked to my doctor about his issues and was told he had to be taking in over 6000 calories a day to gain that much back! I understand how tough it is, but if he isn't willing to get help figuring this out, then where is he going to be for me when I need help?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): It sounds like you are ready to move on.
You should trybto encourage him to have his thyroid checked. I doubled my weight in 2years. Never found problem until I went to a new doctor a few years later
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (4 November 2010):
Men (and women) tend to gain weight a lot easier in their later years and sometimes the mid-life crisis depression can cause them to just not care about themselves anymore.Knowing many who suffer from depression, when they are yelled at or accused of something, it only makes them feel even more locked up. Telling him he needs to diet only sends him the message that you need him to change.I'm not saying he doesn't need to change; for the good of his health he needs to lose weight and stay active, but if this sort of thing is linked to mid-life crises, it needs to be taken care of gently. My girlfriends mom and her husband have had years of trouble because she constantly hassles him for his weight. She does it because she cares, but the way she shows it doesn't reach him. He only feels more distant from her and can no longer stand to be around her because of how controlling he is. It wasn't until she sat down and talked with him and let him discuss his depression (which is embarrassing enough to admit for a guy who's supposed to be strong for his wife) that he was able to take charge and want the change. Remember, talking requires two people. Let him say all the things he needs to say; things he might have been holding in for a while. Men don't always like to talk about their feelings, especially when they are embarrassing feelings like depression and self-consciousness.Give that a try and see if instead of trying to get through to him, you can let him get through to himself :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 November 2010):
I think perhaps the time has come to decide whether you can be in this relationship any longer. You've tried talking to him about it, and he's done nothing. In four years, there has been no real sign of marriage or permanency. Your family are kind of shunned by his family, so in return you are now doing your own thing and he's getting suspicious.
Think very carefully. There is still a very good chance that you can meet someone else who isn't just a 'companion' as such. You'd be better ending it now and moving on than just settling for someone who really doesn't do it for you.
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