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Don't want to lose our friendship, but I want to move on

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2009) 9 Answers - (Newest, 24 July 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

In January me and the father of my 2 kids broke up- we had been together for 7 years. It was a bad relationship- constant fighting, and cheating. In January he left me for another girl- I didnt even put up a fight because I knew there was no point. I was sad but relieved at the same time- ANYWAY now him and that girl broke up. Bc we have kids together we have been in constant contact, now we are surprisingly really good friends. He will tell me about girls he's talking to and ask me for advice on what to say to them. I dont have a problem with it- but here's the deal- while he's fine with being open about his dating life I'm not- if he even asks if I've met any guys I freak out and say NO! like he is accusing me of cheating on him- he says he's joking but he always says he'd kill me if I met someone else. I want to move on but I sense it will hurt him too badly, should I wait until he finds someone? I dont want to lose our friendship, but I dont want to be alone forever either, and me and him WONT EVER work.

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (24 July 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony auntyeah but you don't at the time until you read what people say only then do you think Why didn't i see that before?

it's same with many people you get too blinded by what's happening before you realise what's really happening.

:)

glad i could help.

i wish you all the luck in the world :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You know I think your right- Well I know your right ... I'm just afraid I guess. I keep shrugging the things he does off like its no big deal- but it is a big deal! I think I'll just limit my contact with him as much as I possibly can- if he goes crazy then I probably will get the police involved- If being his friend means living in fear the rest of my life then I would rather not be his friend- I just hate all the drama that is going to come with this- with a guy like him I'm not forseeing a pleasant ending to this story.

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (23 July 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony aunthe's a loon. you can't keep your life at a stand still just because of him i know it's difficult because he's attempted suicide or whatever but doesn't that show how petty he is? and how he'll do ANYTHING to get you back or keep you locked down.

just move on don't have to tell him until you feel the time is right its your life if he does it again or something just tell the police you really think he needs help and he won't leave you alone or let you move on with your life its totally unfair on you and what must your children feel like through all this you need to think how his behavior is going to be effecting them.

you can keep your friendship with him but also can move on with your life start a fresh. if he's still being the way he is saying he'll kill you whether he's joking or not you tell the police you're highly concerned to these threats he's made.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well he never was too abusive only twice in 7 years- (i know that was too much) he was VERY controlling tho- but now that we are not together he's actually treating me like a human being and if I just stop contact ... I dont know I guess I'm just worried because once when we were together for only a year he broke up with me and got with this other girl (this was b4 we had kids) and so naturally I started seeing this other guy- he found out and went crazy- he had to be hospitilized over a suicide attempt because I wouldnt take him back, so out of guilt (among other things) i took him back- I think I just think thats going to happen again- but I cant just keep walking on eggshells my whole life because he's emotionally unstable- I just dont know what to do here!

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A female reader, Alexiedos United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

Alexiedos agony auntI think if you have a history with someone it is virtually inpossible to still have a friendship and not have any baggaged emotions following you around, with him its probably jealousy. He will never let go of that emotion until you force him to, limit your relationship to him just being a father to your kids and nothing more soon he will detach himself. As long as your children love their father you dont have to as well.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

well he will be more than happy sleeping around knowing that you are single. that happyness will leave him once he sees you have moved on and met a decent man. tell him nothing, not even that you are single. let him stew. i get the feeling he doesnt want you but nobody else can either. well why live your life like that?

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A female reader, orlandblm8 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

orlandblm8 agony auntHmm.

I know what you mean. My parents were married for a long time, and they had constant fights physical and verbal, and then they tried to repair there marriage by having me, but it didn't work so well.

In the end. You two are divorced and no longer seeing one another. The only connection that you two have to one another now is your children. You have no attachment beyond that if you want.

It's none of his business if you are or are not dating.

Personally I think it's rude that he talks to you about other girls, and asks you for advice. It's like he's rubbing it in your face that he's better off, and then he asks you if your dating. Not only is that none of his business, but you don't have to tell him.

And hunnie, if you did start dating again, it's not cheating. The first time someone cheats, you know from there that the relationship will never be the same.

I think that the best thing for you to do, for you and your kids is to just be acquaintances to him. Not only would it be weird for when your children get older that there wondering why there mother is giving dating advice to their father on other women. I think that it's better if you and your husband are on a level where it's almost business like. Because then you have no emotional attachments, and no reason to feel guilt.

And if you stop talking to your exhusband, that doesn't mean that you will be alone forever.

If it's hurting you more to talk with him, maybe it would be better if you had the least contact as possible.

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony auntwoah woah woah!

no he can talk to you about girls and get advice on girls so i think you should have the same right about guys!

i mean he's the one who left you and i am assuming he's the one who cheated on you.

i mean he left you for another girl?

i think he's moved on a long time ago.

you guys can still be friends but you have as much right to talk about guys and get with any guy you want as he does with women.

if he is saying things like he'll kill you but "joking" but you're still bothered by it contact the police tell them he's making threats to kill you.

you've got as much right to move on why would you want to wait for him to move on when he clearly already has done that when he got with another girl whilst with you!?

you've got as much right to have a life and talk to him about guys i mean he's telling you about girls he likes,fancies,wants to sleep with and you aren't allowed to do the same?

that's unfair it's like he doesn't want you to move on from him ever but he's allowed to do all the moving on.

you say should you wait until he's moved on?

but don't you think he already has? i mean he left you for another girl and now he's all talk about other girls in his life that he's interested in?

i say get yourself out there and find a guy you like! don't give him the satisfaction that you're waiting for him to get another girl before you get a guy! that's just silly!

hope this helps :)

x ilovebowsandcherries x

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A male reader, Jason32477 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

Jason32477 agony aunt He has already moved on. Just because he is single at the moment is meaningless. He is the father of your children so you don`t want to shut him out completely. But that doesn't mean you have to share all the details of your life with him either.You don`t have to jump into anything serious but by all means start dating again.When he goes prying into your personal life let him know he is prying and that your not comfortable with it. Remarks that he will kill you for it are a serious issue. It is not something to be taken in jest. It is not something to jest about. You know him better than me so I will let you be the judge on it. But if this guy has EVER been physical or violent with you I would seriously consider a restraining order.

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