A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having some kind of "open relationship" with this guy and I'm not experienced in dating and relationships at all. I'd like to know if this sounds healthy.I met this guy online 11 months ago, met in person 10 months ago, he proposed a relationship 9 months ago. I'm Asian studying in Europe, and he's American working here. He has a pretty simple life style, didn't have many friends, only drank on Fridays, excercised a lot, etc. We usually spent the whole weekend together in and one evening during the week. We were pretty close and never argued. His sex drive is pretty high but we're pretty compatible and felt very comfortable around each other quickly.Then 3 months ago he got a job offer in my home country in Asia and decided to move there as he always wanted to live there. He said I was the only factor that made him struggle to make the decision. We decided to carry on the relationship even I still have another 2 years before I finish my study. But after he went there, he started to tell me that he was distracted and wanted to "catch up with his youth". I went there to visit him, and he told me one night all about his poor and dark past (childhood and teenage) that he never told anyone else (from the amount of details I think it's true). I also found out during my visit that he was posting online to look for female companions.After my visit, he said that he found a committed relationship is too hard with 7000 miles between us. I also think I should date more people before settling down. And I think if he wants to sow his wild oats, I'd give him the space and time, I just won't be waiting in the mean time. So we decided to "take a step back" and be "dating" again. I dated a few people, nothing really happened, meanwhile I'm in contact with him almost everyday, we skype and as I can see from the history, he calls me almost as many time as I call him. We're also exchanging Christmas gifts, I'm sending his to the US where he's visiting his family-and his mom and sister know me.Since I'm visiting my family early next year, I'm going to stay in his place for a week (not my home city but I went to uni there). I asked him if it's ok for me to stay with no sex involved and he said definitely. I still haven't decided how I feel about having sex with him at this point.I always plan to work in that city after I finish my study here so we'll be living in the same city again after 2 years. To be honest it's hard to find a long-term partner here if I tell people I'm moving back to Asia in 2 years for sure. But I definitely would like to date more people. I think we're still emotionally intimate and he'd like to show the soft side of him in front of me and tell me things. But I don't know how things will progress later...obviously we're still behaving like a couple. He said he had no plan at all to find a girlfriend now and if I met someone, he didn't want to know a bit about it.He's 34 and I'm 25, he plans to settle down after 5 years and I have similar plans. Does it sound all healthy to you?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 My initial reaction is that he's attracted to Asian women, and now that he's surrounded by them, he decided in more of the open type relationship.
Long distance is hard. I'd play it by ear. You may come together after the five years, and you may not. It all depends on where life takes you. Whether or not this is healthy depends on if it's what you're looking for. Some people are happy with open relationships, and some are looking for exclusive relationships. If you want a real relationship, you may want to keep your options open to that possibility. You may find someone who sweeps you off your feet, then the open relationship will no longer fit within what you want in life. Who knows. Just because he wants to date others doesn't mean that you need to accept that as part of your life.
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