A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need to break up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. I still love him, and have no doubt in his mind that he loves me, but he is throwing his life away, and ruining mine in the process. I have given him many chances, but am slowly realizing that he will never change, and frankly, he has no interest in changing.He was once caring, considerate, and doing well in school. This all changed during the second semester of his master’s degree. He became withdrawn and unmotivated. He basically spends all of his time staring into space, or playing video games. He is completely useless around the house (he literally stopped doing any house work, leaving it all up to me to do in addition to my own graduate work and part time job), has stopped socializing, and constantly comes up short on the rent (at the moment he owes me $500). He zones out (sometimes through the use of pot) and cannot complete simple tasks, or remember a single word I have said to him.I have been trying to help him get through this for a year an a half, and have finally realized two things, 1) I am starting to suffer because of it (I have literally made myself sick with exhaustion, and have been told by a doctor to take some time off), and 2) he has no desire to change (he finally admitted this). Even though the choice is blatantly clear, I am having a hard time breaking up with him. He has never cheated on me, played mind games, tried to control me, or been abusive in any way. He was once incredibly sweet and considerate. We have lived together for two years, and have just moved into a better apartment (or rather, I have moved us into a better apartment, as he not only did not help pack, he also lied about renting a moving truck, and had to go to work the day of the move, but that involves enough material for another post). He is only a few drafts away from finishing his degree, and I am holding out hope that after it is finished he will start to come out of his funk, however, I’ll believe it when I see it.Does anyone have any advice on breaking up with someone you are in love with who is no good? How do you let the person know? How do you go through the process of getting over them? Is there any way to tell someone to leave until they can get their act together? Should I tell him that he can come back when he’s proven that he won’t use me again, or is it better just to make a clean break?Sad, confused, exhausted, hurt, and naively hopeful
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cheated on me, moved in, no desire, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jack2705 +, writes (25 June 2009):
This guy is mentally, emotionally and physically dragging you down. You already know that he is scarring you and you need to let yourself move on or you wouldn't be asking how, right? Make up your mind that it is done, let in your heart, it is a fact, not a question. You have been busting your butt and the person you love is the one who is supposed to make life make a little more sense, the one to prevent you from needing time off. You are not his life coach, you are your own. You are not his mother, I'm sure you've told yourself this many times. You must love yourself enough to take the hurt away from your life. Prepare a new place to live, there's no need to let him know until things are set and you have made that permanent step to leaving. When that is set you are ready to tell him he's on his own. Don't pity a man who already pity's himself enough. Don't tie up his loose ends, that's his responsibilty and now it's your job to hand those responsibilities back to him. You love him? Then wake his ass up and show him what love really is by loving yourself enough to get your act together. Tell him this: "Yes, I love you, but I love myself more. All I truely have to guide me is me and I must trust myself enough to know that you make me love myself less and I won't let that happen anymore." How does that saying go? If it's love let them go and love will guide them back. Properly this time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): Personally, I just graduated from law school (probably more rigorous or comparably as rigorous as your boyfriend's master's program) and I can tell you that school is very depressing and can put you into a major rut. When you finish school, you feel like a new person and you get to enjoy a normal life without the pressures of grades, studying all hours, etc.
If I were you, I'd at least give him a few months after he graduates to see if things get better. I now that I came out of a huge funk of stress and depression when I graduated. Although he does need to shape up, please realize how stressful school is and how much better one's life is after school.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
First off, thank you all for taking the time to respond to my problem.
Your advice was all very useful to me, and I think it basically helped me sort out what I didn't really want to admit needed to be done.
My plan is to let my bf know that I can not, and will not continue to live this way, and that it is up to him whether or not he sorts his life out. I am letting him know that it is not because I don't love him, but because I am not about to do this to myself.
If he gets his act together down the road, I may consider starting fresh, but I am not putting my life on hold in the mean time.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): I think maybe we are dating the same guy! j/k.
The reason I say that is because I, too, just got out of a similiar relationship. My boyfriend of three years was a wonderful guy, but the situations he always ended up in were detrimental to both of us. He would get arrested, need money for rent, get his electricity shut off. The choice was clear, although I loved him and he loved me, I needed to get out.
The best advice I can give to you is just to do it like a bandaid. Just get the words out "We need to end this" and explain why. Tell him that you love him, but that you've worked very hard to keep your life in a good place, and you can't let him get the best of you anymore. Tell himt hat you need to start putting yourself first, and that perhaps someday if he gets his act together, you can try again, but in the meanwhile, you should be alone.
I hope that helped you. Best of luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): Dear 'sad, confused, exhausted, hurt, and naively hopeful'I can totally relate to your situation.I love my boyfriend, who is beautiful and very loving, but useless. Not hopeless, but useless. A great companion, but a rubbish partner. He is not depressed like your bf sounds, but he is emotionally challenged and the role he has fallen into is that of baby, and I feel like a bastard for wanting to break up with him, especially because I care so much for him. However, I believe that the first piece of advice you've been given is right – sometimes people have to hit rock bottom, to face their worst fears and find out that they don’t die from the encounter, before they can start moving up.Luckily for me, I have been through a situation once already, where I wanted to ‘rescue’ a guy, who was depressed, and to get over that I had to realise that it wasn’t him I was trying to rescue, it was me. That is to say, I was trying to seek the love, appreciation and validation I didn’t feel I was getting or would get from anyone else. I learned then that learning to love yourself really is the greatest love of all. Then you can experience the joy of love from others without depending on it.Anyway, I just wanted to say I think I understand how hard this situation is, and you are not an idiot or a mean person for wanting to break up with your boyfriend. It is probably the kindest thing you can do for him and yourself.Dx
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 What a difficult situation for you. To me it seems that you have no option but to ask him to leave. If you continue to support him and try to help him through this he'll never change. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom on their own and suffer the consequences before they're able to pick themselves up.
However, it does sound as though he's extremely depressed. Is there any way of persuading him to see a counsellor, or have you already tried that? If he really doesn't want to change then there's not a lot more you can do about it.
I think, if he's unwilling to do anything to help himself, then you should tell him exactly why you're asking him to leave. Emphasise that you love him but that your health and emotional state cannot cope with this ongoing situation. Explain that you hope he'll get himself together but that he needs to do it on his own.
This is going to be very tough for you, but remember that whatever is wrong in your relationship now will only get worse and worse if you continue like this. Something has to be done and unfortunately you have to do it. At your age you should be enjoying life and focusing on where you're going and having fun rather than mothering someone. There are times when you have to be cruel to be kind, and this is one of them.
Give yourself a complete break from him for a few months - up to six months if you can - and then arrange to meet him briefly to see how things are going. In the meantime go out with your friends and meet new people. Get involved in your hobbies and interests. Put away anything that reminds you of him. Write down everything that was wrong with the relationship and read that list whenever you're missing him. Don't think beyond the six months at this stage. Think of it as over and get on with your life. There's a good chance he'll sort himself out, but don't count on it. You'll have to be strong but you can get through it. All the best.
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