A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 11yrs. My husband has been staying home for the past two and a half years with my daughter. Btw, I have three children, two of them are in school. Basically, I have been working to support my family. My husband worked in the past but never really kept a steady job, he would call in sick or go in late and has been fired twice for this reason. I think I am unhappy. I feel that I am lacking a man, a provider, or someone who I can lean on if anything should go wrong. I am usually the one to hold everything together when we were struggling; he just doesnt try hard enough to step in when I need him to. Other than this, he speaks to me respectfully, does most of the cooking and laundry...etc So, I guess he's a good husband. My question is, what is right...should I just accept the situation and support him forever or should I move on to someone who can do me both emotionally and all the above? I dont know what to do because he's somewhat "good" to me but lacks everything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Y'all!
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Only you can decide whether you want to move on or stay with him. Is the grass greener on the other side?
List all the pros and cons of being single with small/young children.
Seriously, how many husbands or male partners who are distressed that (a) the wife/fiance/gf stays home and spend money that he makes, (b) he works hard, 16 hour days, such that he hardly has time to enjoy his family life, (c) he wants his wife to earn some money too so he does not have to work so hard when times are hard, or (d) he wants his wife to have a job too so they can both enjoy more creature comforts and secure a better pension plan for the both of them and money for the children's education.
Men are "allowed" by society to work hard to feed his family while the women stay home to look after the family. It is the conventional approach that has shaped our society for centuries. It sounds like you still more leaning towards the conventional gender role more than you care to realize.
However, if deep down you have other issues with your husband that you may not have consciously be aware of, his "lack ambition" may just be an excuse you use to justify another growing issue. That be a dissatisfaction and unhappiness you feel in your partnership with your husband.
It does sound you need marriage counselling sessions to sort this out professionally. Otherwise, count your blessings for now, or you start having separate bank accounts now and you start applying paying bills separately. Perhaps he then realize that he needs to be less dependent upon your income.
Hope that helps.
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing with my husband is he doesnt make enough effort to look for a job. We are not in financial distress at the moment but we were in the past, I had to work 16hrs a day to support our family. When i bug him to go look for a job, he says I will but nothing ever comes out of it. So I really think now that I'm making more money and he can stay home, he's really just taking advantage of that because he's has no ambitions anyway. I hope you all get what I mean. I'm not bother that he's the man and he stays home. If I see that he can be hard working when necessary I wouldnt care that he's at home but I'm not sure that he will do what it takes to take care of his family when really in need.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
ooops .. a bit of a disturbing "typo" in my response to you:
wrong:
And because you have a mutual agreement on income and expenses, then neither you nor him are in an "equal" position so to speak
right (correction)
And because you have a mutual agreement on income and expenses, then neither you nor him are in an "un-equal" (or "upper hand") position so to speak.
A thousand apologies for the error :-(
Cat
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
Right. Gender roles and current economy.
Read your original posting, and replace the word "he" with "she" and "husband" with "wife". What do you see? I would say, a typical household, one where finances are a bit tight.
With a young child at home, it may be difficult for you to have both adults working full time, especially when you will have tospend some money to have your children looked after while both of you working.
One option is for you both to sit down and come to an agreement on who pays what for the routine and ad-hoc expenses (utility bills, food bills, insurance, mortgage, health, school, etc etc). That way, each partner knows that s/he is contributing toward the family's expenses based on their own capacity.
Hopefully, this would motivate your husband to get a part time job or a home-based job, which would help ease your finances a bit.
So you are not a conventional family in terms of who brings in more income, but at least you have something that many people would envy: good faithful husband, healthy and happy children, and of course, healthy sex life. And because you have a mutual agreement on income and expenses, then neither you nor him are in an "equal" position so to speak. Like any committed couple, please do not forget to express your appreciation and thanks to each other for our partner's efforts. I think we tend to forget to do this as we get into a set routine.
Hope it works out well for the both of you.
Cat
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A
male
reader, gleep  +, writes (26 February 2009):
I agree with jessica04, it shouldn't matter whether he's a traditional "man" or not. The problem seems not to lie with him so much as it does with your ideal of what a man should do or not do. Ask yourself this... If he is good with your children and they love him and he helps with the house work and he does respect you, then what is it you want? Are you maybe a little jealous that he gets to stay at home with the kids? Or... is there some guy at work that you've been confiding all this with? Someone who seems to understand exactly what your saying and who maybe even seems to fit your ideal a little better?. Maybe you've been flirting with this guy for a long time and are now comparing your husband to him.
If this is the case then get some help before you do yourself, your children and your husband harm!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (26 February 2009):
 I am not one for traditional gender roles, and I find no problem with the woman being the bread winner.
I do think, though, that once your youngest starts school full time, it might be time for Daddy to get a real job. Maybe something just part time if he is pretty good with the domestic side of things.
As long as he pulls his weight regarding the house and kids, I don't see a big problem. If finances are tight though, you need to lay down the law with him about what the family needs and what he needs to contribute for your children to be healthy and happy.
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