A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for a number of years and we are childhood sweethearts. we're at the stage where we're both ready to get engaged and i don't think it will be long before he asks me to marry him. all sounds good but.....about 2 years ago, while abroad, i cheated on him - slept with another guy a couple of times. it's the biggest mistake of my life. he knows i went on a sort of date with a guy, but doesn't know that anything happened. during the time i was abroad, our relationship was not good and it was a difficult time for me personally. we were not on a break or anything though. since things were a bit rocky between us, i thought i would wait until we were back on track and then tell him, so that our relationship would be able to weather the storm. i haven't gone near another guy since then and i can say that this will never happen again. our relationship is the first serious one for both of us and, and until my mistake, we had only ever slept with each other. now, i have to decide whether i should come clean or not: do i risk our relationship and hurt his feelings or do i keep this to myself, suffer the consequences of my own guilt and the knowledge of what i have done? ...or should i at least give him the choice of deciding whether or not he can forgive me and accept what i have done? I feel quite sure he would not end our relationship but i know he will be totally devastated and don't know how long it would take him to get over it and for our relationship to properly recover.please help me, i know what i have done is wrong and am trying to sort out what is best to do for him, for me and for our relationship. thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): You answerers can all agree with each other, but you're all still wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): If you're sure he wouldn't leave you even if you told him, then there's no point in telling him! why effect the relationship? as long as you know it won't happen again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Dont say anything.
What would the point be?
It happened a long time ago and you are
not carrying anything.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic  +, writes (23 September 2008):
 Don't tell him.
The only way I would tell him is if he asked me if I was w/ someone else when we were seperated.
If ya'll were split up during the time, then that's that. Who knows he may have slept with soemone else as well - maybe he didn't... but just look at it like this... you were not with him at the time, you had sex with another, you got back with him - end of story. Therefore, he does not need to know you slept with someone else when ya'll were split up.
Don't let it eat at you. Don't tell him now or later - just try to forget about it & do things that keep your mind off of it.
If you love this man and want to be with him, then be w/ him, devote yourself to him, stay faithful and you'll have a happy marriage before you know it. :)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 September 2008):
 I think that it will adversely affect your relationship and your trust if you tell him about this. It will hurt him terribly and I'm not sure what the benefit of telling him will be. You recognize this as a mistake and you feel badly, and I think that is enough! If all you want is to assuage your guilt, I think you would be better off going to confession or doing charity work or some other personal penance, rather than dumping all of this hurt on your boyfriend. Honesty is always the best policy, but when it hurts someone, well, I choose keeping it to myself. You can't take it back once it's out there, and he will always remember it, and he will never be happy with the whole idea, even if he forgives you, he will find it hard to let go of.
How do you feel personally about women who have had multiple partners? Do you think that they should disclose every single partner to their new boyfriend? That usually leads to a lot of recrimination, arguments and name-calling, frankly. Guys always say that they would prefer to know, but if you have slept with more guys than they have slept with women, then they feel that there is something wrong with you (slut) or they aren't "studs" because their number is lower. Ever wondered why the statistics don't add up in sex surveys? Their is still a lot of stigma attached to those numbers, so men lie up and women don't disclose their actual numbers... Well, that's just my opinion. Hope there is something in all this that helps you make a decision that you can live with, Hun. Good Luck with everything, and forgive yourself, You are human and we all make mistakes. But I kind of think if you tell him, you are making another one...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): thanks for your reply - yes, half of me thinks it would be selfish to tell him if it were just to ease my conscience but at the same time, half of me thinks he deserves to know. the 'benefit' of telling him would be that our relationship would once again be honest.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 September 2008):
 Doesn't sound much to me like you are deciding wheather to tell him or not because of him. It sound more like its all to do with you. You say you're quite sure he wouldn't split with you, but know that it will devestate him.
So wheres the benefit of telling him, apart from to ease your own concience?
If you're not gonna do it again and you're not gonna make his life better by telling him, then stop pushing your concience onto someone you profess to love, deal with it, and keep shtumm.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): a couple of further details: my best friend knows about the situation, although i trust her not to say anything if i ask her not to.
also, even though it was protected sex, i got checked for STDs straight after and did not pick anything up and have not risked my bf's health.
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A
female
reader, shilpa  +, writes (23 September 2008):
well.. i would say just keep it to yourself and don't try to cheat him agian if you love him so much...
if you say him.. he will say fine.. and forgive you..
but for whole life he is going to have it in his mind..
so better is dont say....
have a happy relation..
shilpa
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): He deserves to know who he is marrying. This is relevant to him. It's not for you or anyone else to decide whether he needs to know or not.
Having said that, he'll probably never get over it. Especially if you're the only girl he's ever slept with, and now you're gonna drop the bomb of another guy back then.
But that's what happens in real life. People make mistakes and they have to pay for them. If he "doesn't need to know this" then I must ask, when does anybody ever need to know about ANY infidelity in this world?
I don't wish to cause pain upon you and him, but I think it's the only thing that's fair to him at all.
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