A
male
age
30-35,
*leh
writes:I'll try and boil it down to basics.There's a girl who I really like due to many reasons; she's extremely attractive but the main being that we connect on many levels. Whenever I talk to her, it seems like we've known each other for ages, not just the relatively short amount of time we've spent together. I'm generally well mannered with everybody but I put in a little extra effort with her to make sure I am the friendliest, kindest, nicest, etc. person that I can be. I wait for her when others walk on, I'll remember food/ drinks she likes and occasionally get them for her, I'll let her sit down if it's the last seat left.... you get my drift. She responds to this really well and keeps complimenting me and calling me the "perfect man" etc. Her friends tells me she's interested but there's a problem - a past fling of hers. He's an absolute jackass and treats her like complete crap. Despite this, she's admitted to me she has a soft spot for him, for seemingly no reason - except treating her the way he does.When I drink, I start to become a little incognito. I don't treat women badly, but I'm a little harder to get and at times slightly rude. This makes women literally crawl all over me, I guess for a similar reason why she likes this moron. I can't understand why, but women just love it when I act with a little bit of mystery.So this is my dilemma; I don't want to act like that infront of her. I genuinely like her and don't want it to be a short lived relationship because I act a little meaner. I want it to go somewhere which is precisely why I'm being so nice - but it just doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere fast...So this is my question:Do I have to treat her mean to keep her keen? Or do I continue being nice and seeing where it leads me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): If you look at her father daughter relationship that give's you an idea about how she like to be treated. reason why she might like you when your drunk is that her father is alcoholic or your just more sexual towards her.I like to think of it women like chocolate even if they know it's bad for them.
A
male
reader, Pleh +, writes (21 July 2011):
Pleh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, it's kinda clearing up in my head a bit (I think).
Just to clarify a few things; me treating her well is not an act, I do it with all women, including those I'm not trying to court - the only difference being I put in a little extra effort with her. She also knows it's genuinely me, due to a mutual friend we have both known for a long time who I've always treated well.
I believe I have a fair idea about what happened with her and this other guy (he's not an ex). She's told me she'd never be his girlfriend but she'd be surprised if they didn't hook up for a fling some time. She's also said that despite every bone in her body being against him, for seemingly no reason she has a soft spot for him.
But this is exactly my problem, I don't want to have to be someone I'm not (save for when I'm tipsy/drunk) in order to get her attention romantically. She gets a fair amount of male attention due to her attractiveness (though that's not all I'm in it for, as I said we get along like a house on fire). She has seen me when I'm drunk and finds it hilarious, though I'm in no right mind to judge whether she likes me more when I act like that or not.
As I've already said, this mutual friend says this girl is looking for someone and "there's no reason it can't be me". I'm fine continuing acting the way I am, taking it slow and being a general nice guy but what I'm worried about is someone to come along and swoop her off her feet. Which is why I'm wondering if I have to act a little meaner (wrong word, but call it what you will) in order to send her the message.
Currently, she's out of the country on holiday for a month which will hopefully make the heart grow fonder. But then again, a concern of mine is that she'll meet someone over there who she likes (she's on holiday with her girlfriends).
I'm sorry, this kinda seems to go around in circles. If it makes any sense to you, then you're a better person than I!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): if you're going to treat her mean then you better have a lot going for you in the looks or attractiveness or money/status department to keep her interested.
she doesn't like her ex because he treats her mean. she likes him in spite of it. which is not healthy for her.
People will stay with partners who treat them mean just because they've become used to the relationship power dynamic where the 'mean' partner is never satisfied and the 'nice' partner wants to please them to get them to treat them better. if they never get treated better there comes a point when the nice partner loses interest or motivation and leaves the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): There is a difference between creating a bit of mystery and treating a girl mean.There is nothing wrong with creating a bit of mystery in a relationship, as long as both people can communicate their feelings thats important. Routines can become boring for some people. For example not being on the phone every day to eachother, its good to skip a day here and there and call at different times. Thats what creates an air of mystery which is what girls do like. Giving the other person space to be themselves,ie not being clingy.Treating her mean is NOT what girls like. For example ignoring phonecalls/texts/emails, cancelling plans to meet. This does not go down well at all and the guy just gets the reputation of being a jerk and the girl eventually see this and moves on.The key is to know the difference between the two, because I think alot of guys out there intend to use this approach but get the two confused and then they come off looking like the bad guy. Us girls are not stupid we know when a guy is being down right mean or just creating an air of mystery.Good Luck.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): I love this comment by Odds: "If there's one seat left, take it and tell her to sit on your lap." You and I need to meet. ;)
Jokes aside, like what the previous posters said, it's all about balance. Yes, girls actually do want nice guys, but not if it's just an act. Honestly, you sound like a great guy - you're well-mannered with a bit of a mystery, but that's not going to come through if you're trying too hard to be this "friendliest, kindest, nicest" person that you're not. Doesn't mean you have to be mean like this "jackass" ex of hers either. Show her the real you. That way she can see that you'll treat her right, yet you have the edge to keep her interested. But if she chooses her ex over you, then you know she's not for you.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Ask yourself what means more - what she *says* she wants, or what she actually *does* choose to go for. Actions speak louder than words. Almost any woman will say they want the perfect gentleman, but tell me this, who got her romantic attention - the gentleman or the prick?
In reality, women want the guys they're already attracted to to be more gentlemanly, if only a little. All you need is that edge you get when you've had a bit to drink, and you're in the sweet spot.
It's not really mean. You're giving her exactly what she wants, not what she claims to want. If anything, you're being nicer and more considerate by being a little mean than you are by being the perfect gentleman. Introducing a bit of an edge will make a relationship possible; keeping that edge will make it last. You don't even have to do anything really nasty, so you won't be violating your desire to treat women well.
Stop buying her things. If there's one seat left, take it and tell her to sit on your lap. Tease her a bit, especially when she asks you a question - answer it eventually, but make her work a little for it. But still make her laugh, respect serious boundaries, and keep your word. That's the balance to strike.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): I think the problem here is if you spend too much time with her and start being all puppy dog eyed by getting her fav stuff, waiting for etc, she could take advantage of your generosity and niceness and perhaps use you, or you could ultimately fall into the friend zone with you really don't want.
So i would suggest, not to be mean or off with her but just distance yourself a little bit and be busy on occasion so that if she is genuinely interested in you she will come looking for you and start wondering where you are, let her do some of the running for a change and at least this way you will know whether she likes you or not :)
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Being mean will get you nowhere except dumped. Don't change your attitude to get somewhere. If she's smart enough, she'll know that you're the type of person she should look for/be with. Keep being yourself.
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