A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I are both 21 years old. Our relationship has been plagued by the same problem from the very start. I am West Indian and he is East Indian. So, his parents come from India and mine from the Caribbean. Both of our parents are against us being together for this reason.I have struggled with this problem from the very beginning of our relationship and my boyfriend has always assured me that things will work out in the end. We have been together for 3 years and have managed to keep our relationship out of the spotlight for this time.Even though there were a few incidents where my mother found out or where his parents found out, we worked through it. In other words, we just denied it. While this sounds like child's play, we are very serious about each other. We both feel that in time, after we finish school, we would like to get married.However, this weekend his parents found out about us again. I'm still not sure how, but they forced him to call me and tell me to leave him alone and they even went so far as to call me to strongly express their disapproval. It does not seem to me that they will budge.I have always told my boyfriend that if he ever was in a position where he had to choose between me and his family I would want him to choose his family. However, given the change of events, I fear that he will choose to disown his family. He says that its something that needs to be done even if I choose to leave him.My question is, even though I have always known that in the end the choice is ultimately up to him, do I let my boyfriend walk out on his family? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Hey,
I am in the same position as you, well kind of, I wasn't born in Canada so they basically try to make me feel guilty about what I should do and such since they brought me here and how if I don't listen to them they will force me to go back :S (I am a Canadian now) but I hate how culture can create huge differences. I am not even allowed to have a cell phone because I might call her or allowed to go out anywhere, gah So depressing. I would leave them right now if I wasn't financially Dependant on them. While I do have a part time job, it isn't nearly enough to support myself and I have school too which I am sure OSAP can help me with if I do decide to move out.
I don't think its really about disowning, its more about doing whats right. You tell them that you won't marry anyone else and such, and they will either accept it or tell you to leave their house, well thats how it is in my house anyways.
A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Your boyfriend has to decide whether or not he wishes to disown his family. All you can do it give your honest input.It is wrong (and ignorant) to dislike someone because of their ethnicity. However, you mentioned school. Are both of you currently supported by (and/or living with) your parents? If so, it's [cliche] their house, their rules; you can't have your cake and eat it too. [/cliche]
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is the 21st century. You are a legal adult and your parents have not a single shred of power or right to tell you who to marry, or why, or where, or even what race said person should be.
Both of you should issue your families an ultimatum. Either they accept and embrace the union, or they can go a fuck themselves.
Its no longer about them. Its about you and your desires. The days where you could be made to feel guilty or be pressured into marriages without love, all over a misguided sense of loyalty and honor... are gone.
True honor is following your heart and living your life as a true adult.
If you have to consult your parents on every decision, especially in affairs of the heart, then you are not an adult.
Your man appears to have realised this. As he is willing to tell his family to sod off and stop being so goddamned old-fashioned.
They either change and adapt with the world, or they stagnate and die out like countless other species that don't evolve.
If you love this man, and he loves you, and you both want marriage, then to hell with your families.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
female
reader, Nice.Girl +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Well, I really think that your parents should get over their hate for mixing races. If that little flag by your name is any indication, you both live in Canada which is a very culturally diverse country with different ideals then India especially when it comes to marriage.Of course the likeliness of that happening is low. You really have to think about the two of you and your families. Because odds are, if your parents are against it as much as his are, it won't end very well. You have to figure out if it's really worth it. The two of you might want to stop denying it to your parents and face them together. The two of you sit down with your parents separately, if you do it, you have to stay as calm as possible. You won't get anywhere if it turns into a shouting match. Your parents might not like it, but hopefully if you take a civil approach to this you can both come out of this together.If you keep going at the rate you are now, the two extremes for you two that you have each other and an angry family or two, or you will break up. Weigh the pros and cons of each carefully. And if you decide to confront his or your parents, do it civilly, together and be strong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): Here's what we don't know that is likely to temper people's responses...
Are both of you currently relying on your parents for financial support, such that you can not direct your own lives?
Do you live in the same city as your BF? Are all the parents in the same city?
If either of you currently relies on financial support from your parents, simply lie to them and meet in secrete until you can get out from under their heavy hand. Then tell them to either learn to accept your decision or not.
I would not disown a parent, I would, as an ADULT, tell them that they raised you with a mind, and the ability to make decisions, and this one is yours. If they are trying to play a race card, deal with that, if they believe that the parent can direct a child even after the child is an adult, please welcome them to the 231st century, and get the mule some hay and water....
...............................
|
