A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok....Here goes. I've been married for about 3 1/2 years to a man from Africa (...thats right, Africa) I love him very much and try to show him this in different ways. But he on the other hand, has never...ever been able to show me that he really loves me. I always try to plan something special for his birthday, such as a trip to the ocean or something, but when it comes to my birthday, there is always something happening that is more important and we cant even go out to dinner. Also, he keeps a separate bank account since he has one that is linked to his family's accounts. I was ok with this, until i asked him for the log in info one day for a specific purpose, he said No. I was hurt and humiliated that my own husband wouldn't give me access to his bank account...eventually i managed to tell him this but it made no difference to him, and in his reply he stated that it was because it was linked to his family's accounts and said "I dont ask you for access to your PARENTS bank accounts, do I?" I've always tried to talk about our issues and the things that he's done that have made me upset, so we can work through them, but he has always responded that i expect too much from him and he recently stated that "you ask me to care about your feelings too much"it was after this that i began to have serious doubts about our marriage...how do you work out your problems if your husband doesnt see them and has no desire to fix them, thinks that you are just overreacting and being unreasonable? I recently talked to him about these feelings, stating that i dont know if this is going to work, but that i really want it to, i just need more from him, i need to know that he cares. He didnt get it really, but agreed to try to fix things. The next day i came up with an idea to try to bring us closer together, telling each other one thing that we loved about each other every day (mind you, he's never been able to name one thing...so maybe this was stupid) he got upset with me, telling me i was being completely unreasonable and that "people just dont do that" He's not a bad husband, he is very respectful and never demanding, a good provider....but how do i deal with the fact that he's never been able to show me that he really cares? If i'm upset he will never do a thing to try to fix it or make it up to me.... i am always the one that has to go to him and try to fix things. I end up feeling like its sort of one sidedHe claims "Cultural Differences" for this, "people just dont do that" and i've come to accept that, yes, African men are VERY different than American men....but does this excuse his behavior? do i just really expect too much?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 The bank account might be anything.
My first suspicion is that he might be hiding money from you. This kind of tricks exist in every culture, I guess.
I don't understand what you mean by his bank account being linked to his parents' bank account. At least where I live, you either have individual bank accounts or joint bank accounts, and in all cases all the holders have access to everything. And then, since it seems you keep a common bank acount, and then he keeps one of his own, my suspicion (not yet proved) is that he's keeping money for himself. Money he doesn't want you to know he has.
I don't think there is a man who will never ever have a gesture of affection towards his wife. All cultures are very similar in this, despite the differences in how that is manifested. His absolute show of displays of affection make me think that he's perhaps mean. Or controlling in the extreme.
I had an uncle who, I'm sure, was the least expressive man ever (we had quite a series of jokes about that), but he always managed to give my aunt a present on her birthday. Or Christmas. And you have to consider that we used to joke that you had to hit the man in the elbow with a jackhammer for him to open his fist and let go of a little money. They even managed to travel the world together (I suppose my aunt ate the fruits and the animals she gathered and hunted along her way, but he did pay for the plane tickets).
I have the feeling that you're doing all the efforts for this situation to change, because it damages you, and no one else. It sounds like he's pretty confortable with it. Maybe you should not just ask, in your most polite manner, that he change his mind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Danielepew, thank you for your advice. What can i say, we rushed into the marriage a bit, and I foolishly thought that his being reserved with his feelings was because he is very spiritual & religious and did not want to cross any lines or being "inappropriate" before marriage. It took me awhile to figure out that is just how he is and how a man acts in his culture. (shoulda done some cultural research) But we are in it now...
Do you have any thoughts regarding the bank account thing? this is something bothers me every day...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 June 2009):
Well, "West African" is another big generalization. But, your addition shows that he does not see why he should compromise. It's perhaps a little early to say you should leave him; try to have a little discussion with him in this regard.
Sometimes cultural differences are so great that they can't be overcome. Sorry. Be ready for that, too.
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A
female
reader, fabulousone +, writes (2 June 2009):
You do expect too much from him.
You're American. You've been brought up with the expectations of what an American man should do for you.
He's not American. He's African.
So, he's been brought up with the expectations of what an African man should do for his wife.
It's a cultural difference.
I hate to be rude here--but you should've calculated that into your marriage prior to getting married.
I wonder if, in the back of his head, he's thinking; "Why in the hell is she pushing all of this affection on me?"
Why don't you ask him and find out. (Something you shoulda also done before getting married.)
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A
female
reader, mitta  +, writes (2 June 2009):
Its a difficult situation to be in, but I dont think its too much to ask to want to feel appreciated by your husband. Sorry in advance for the generalisation... But men are usually less perceptive about emotional issues than women whether they are African, American or Alien!
It can be difficult to try and make them understand feelings they dont have or have never had before.
The only thing you can do really is suggest counselling. Having third party to try and better convey how you feel might help. However your husband might decide that he doesnt want to go.
If he isnt willing to try counselling you have to make a decision based on how much this is bothering you and how important you think it is. Obviously it is bothering you a great deal for you to post this question. So you really have to make him realise that this is important and you both need help to sort it out.
Your feelings are important even if your husband doesnt understand them.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Thank you, he is West African. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, i know he doesn't see what he is doing....but he's so opposed to any sort of compromise. He sees any suggestion on my part as me "trying to change him to fit my own personal needs" i just don't know what to do with that...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 June 2009):
I agree with the fact that men are very different from American men. I can relate to that because I'm not American myself. I know what he means.
I would like to say, however, that "African" is too much of a generalization. It can mean Egptian Moslem, for example, or South African atheist; they are both "African". Even if "African", in this context, means "black", there are very many differences among black men born in Africa; ask them and you'll hear what they will say about it.
I do believe he's telling the truth about cultural differences. We can't deny they exist. Maybe, in his mind, he is a good husband and that's all that counts. From his point of view, you want too much. And the entire opposite is true about you: from your point of view, he shows his love too little. I think you should suggest a middle ground: he should incline himself over your way of being, and you over his. That way, I hope, you will understand his way of thinking and he will understand yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Thank you for your opinion. I have tried to be ok with knowing that i can not expect any real emotional support from him, I have a job, and a full life and don't depend on him too much, but being a closet hopeless romantic....knowing that there is this gap between us....it leaves me feeling somewhat desolate...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Yes, you do expect too much from YOUR husband. He is obviously not willing to change, despite your feelings. Since you feel that you have tried everything reasonable to bring this to his attention and he still will not change, the only thing you can do now is change yourself. You can change your expectations of him or find another way to fill the gap in your heart.
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