A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 26 and my boyfriend of the past year and a half is 36. We have a really goof relationship.My problem is this, we have a very good friend. He has known her longer than I have. They have had sex in the past. The other evening, after inviting me for a drink, my boyfriend said he would meet me at home instead. He then went to this lady's work and had drinks there. He eventually came home at about 1 in the morning. He stayed over so that she didn't have to drive being drunk. I was already very hurt by this time! Then went into our lounge and caught them kissing. They both apologised profusly. And downplayed it to being just a good night kiss. Which deep down i really didn't believe. I said I would forgive them if they promised it would never happen again.Needless to say i cannot get this image out of my mind! And don't think I will ever trust them alone together again. My question is should I end this? Or give myself time to get over it? I love him very much and don't really want to loose him! Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 How will you know he will do it again? Are you him?
If you continue to worry if he will do it again, then it is best that you live alone in this world because you will be incapable of any relationship ,for you cannot learn to trust another human being.
When you learn to walk as a baby , did you fall down only once?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know very well there is a chance it will happen again. And if it does i will leave him, and he knows that. I know that if I had made the same mistake I would probably beg for a second change. "Once bitten twice shy" i get it.
But how many times have you lost your temper over something he has done wrong and said ugly things that you now regret or wish you could take back? I know I have in the past. This is a very special relationship and man to me, and I am happy with the decision I have made.
But thank you to all who have responded, your comments have not fallen on deaf ears!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 January 2008):
Sometimes problems can look like a big mountain, but when you have solved it , it is only a mole hill.
We should not be too judgmental, for no one is perfect.In every black cloud, there is a silver lining.You will grow stronger after each problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura! Thank you! You are very right! Us women do that! And I'm truly glad i didn't this time! Things will be rocky for a while but at least he understands I need time to heal, and it will take a while before i can fully trust him again. But I'm happy again.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 January 2008):
If you love him much , the more you will have to forgive him.
He was under the influence of alcohol.He made a stupid mistake.
Think carefully before you want to break off because you may regret about it later and want him back. Many women do not think deeper but just break off in anger and then remorseful over their actions.You don't just kick out a man like a football.They have emotions and feelings too.
People may give you advise but you need to analyze them carefully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all that responded. To the first answer - anon male, they never dated but have had sex, so it was never a relationship. Don't get me wrong I'm certainly not defending anyone. But i was told of that fact previously. Female anon, I finally understand why people in love, even though badly hurt, can't let go of the one that hurt them so easily. Yes they both did something terrible, but I love my boyfriend and I care deeply for our friend. So, not being one for confrontation, I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how i feel. And informing him that yes, I am considering leaving him and that i have lost all trust in him. This apparently was a good idea. We had a really good talk last night. I got exactly what i wanted out of him. I have my closure, and he knows he has to work really hard to get my trust back. He said that he cannot tell me what i must do about the situation and how to feel but that he finally realized that if i did decide to leave him it would crush him. This is not an admittance that would come easily for him.
Lets just say I have my closure, and he knows he has to work to keep me with him, and yes that it will end our relationship if 1) he does it again or 2) they spend time alone together. Lets see... Thanks again!
PS - i got a great foot massage too!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I think it's fine men and women partners having friends of the opposite sex - Some people can be over-restrictively possessive (which will only drive their partner away). However, continued friendships of a close nature with ex-lovers is always a tricky matter - you're never sure whether the passion has truly simmered down and they're just friends. In this case, it DOES seem like your man and his ex still have feelings of a passionate nature and are rekindling old flames. Goodnight kisses are not full-on mouth-to-mouth affairs! If you love him, then rather than 'dumping him immediately', it's time for a heart-to-heart talk in which you can propose he no longer sees this other woman (or only when you're all together). See how he reacts to that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Of course you should end it. The nerve of him!Look clearly they were hooking up, in your own house! As painful as this must be I would feel lucky that you found out now what a scumbag he is. If that had been me I would have grabbed him by his scalp and thrown his sorry butt out of my house. Then I would have punched that girl. And after that I would have never talked to either of them ever again in my entire life. Do yourself a favor and dump him, asap.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 You are his girlfriend. Tell him to not talk to her or see her again. You are supposed to be the only and most important woman in his life. He should sacrifice a friend to make you happy. You are not unreasonable when you ask this. You have evidence and cause to worry. Tell him how hurt you are and that you are losing your trust in him. Use guilt tactics and 'reward' him for doing what you say. Sometimes, you have to be a bitch to fight for who you love.
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