A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been seeing someone for around 3 months everything is going great and im starting to really like her, however the other day she asked my if ive ever had a one night stand and immediately got up and left afterwards, I answered honestly and thought nothing of it, but it has been stuck in my mind as it was completely out of the blue! It has me thinking, maybe over thinking, why is she asking me this? Completely random question, she hasent asked for my 'body count' yet, just the one night stand thing, I'm hoping some one could try shed some light on to why this would be a question that would need to be asked, I've discussed with lads at work and there responses are typical of what you would expect, thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): For some people casual sex and one night stands go against their moral code, and the thought of their romantic partner viewing sex that way is upsetting. It also brings other worries such as did you catch STDs, did you have unintended pregnancies you don't even know about, etc. I was one of those people that didn't want to date anyone who had had a one night stand for a long time, but I came to accept that a lot of people have had one or more when they were lonely and it doesn't mean that they stay in that "one night stand" mindset forever. If you did have one (or more) but are over that stage of your life now, I would try bringing up this topic with her again.
It obviously upset her, so I would call her and say, "hey, it seems like things have been weird since our discussion of the one night stand topic, can you tell me if my answer bothered you?" give her some time to explain which aspects upset her about it, address any concerns (e.g. STI testing), and then I would explain/ give context to your actions such as "I was in a lonely / immature mindset at the time, but I am ready for commitment now and that isn't something I want to revisit or part of who I want to become. I am not that person anymore" ...something along those lines (if it is true).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): Someone who can have sex like an animal without care or feelings for the other person isn’t someone everybody would be interested in. They equate those who are capable of having meaningless sex as being more capable of cheating. Personally I do see the logic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2022): What is all this crap about it is a completely random question. Grow up. She thought long and hard about which questions to ask you, she is finding out more about you, the things that matter to her, to see if you are wasting her time. Maybe she hates the idea you take sex/ relationships very casually - some other woman would understand that - and has the sense not to waste six months on a guy who is not her type and has the same sort of morals and tastes and lifestyle as her? She sounds very sensible. You don't sound very bright or grown up if you cannot see this without me pointing it out to you. If I were her I would cut my losses with you, you are not smart enough for me or her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2022): Until you've both discussed it in depth, or she brings it up again; best you not overthink it, or jump to rash conclusions. Always keep a cool head! You'll drive yourself looney trying live-up to the lofty expectations of some people. If you know you're a good-man; your integrity speaks for itself. Your value and self-worth is not based or measured solely on her opinion. If you don't meet her qualifications...oh well! I guess you'll have to move on.
It was an off-the-cuff question, and she didn't elaborate on why this was important to know? You didn't think to ask before responding to her question. You've only been together for 3 months; and there is much to discover about each-other. The thing is, you both have your own individual system of values or morals.
You were right to be honest; but you'll never know without absolute proof whether something you're told is true or false. You just accept some things on face-value; and other things you just take in stride. If she sets a high-standard; that's her prerogative, but she also has to meet some of your criteria as well. It's a two-way street!
Always bear this in-mind. You don't yet really know each-other; and you are still at that stage of introduction and discovery. Don't let people manipulate you by casting judgement upon you; when you don't really know much more about them, than they know about you. If they overreact to personal and private things you share; then stop sharing, until they've proven what they ask is not just to judge, but to become more familiar for the sake of building trust.
As for "body-counts?!!" People often ask this question, and can't handle it. It's oversharing, and best kept to yourself. It's more important to know if a person is STD-free, don't have a criminal record, a raging-stalker, a spouse; or an unrehabilitated addiction to drugs or alcohol. If they are from a foreign country, they have legal status. You would hope they're not wanted by a national security agency, or there is a warrant out for their arrest! These questions are pertinent, and deserve honest answers.
There are worse sins than having a one-night-stand; and it's good to stay open-minded, until you are familiarized with the good-things and bad-things about each-other. Then you have to weigh the pros and cons; but don't set standards that you can't live-up to yourself.
Sometimes women overjudge men according to unreasonable standards; or they lack understanding about manhood and masculinity. They go by tropes and stereotypes, or generalize based on a few bad-experiences. Self-righteousness and hypocrisy is another problem. If you answered her honestly, it isn't wrong; it just may fall below her expectations. She has a right to set standards, criteria, and use discernment; because she has to have something substantial and reliable to build trust upon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 October 2022):
 Also, I forgot to add this earlier.
IF you were HONEST with her, you didn't answer her question "wrong".
She might not have WANTED to hear that you had casual sex and one-night stands but the reality is that you HAVE done this, like so many others.
IF she doesn't want to be with someone who has had a one-night stand, that is HER choice. And it means the two of you are not a good fit.
You are not going to be everyone's cup of tea and not everyone is going to be yours. Someone might SEEM like they are a good fit until they are not.
I think her reaction is a bit over the top. And maybe that should tell YOU that SHE isn't a good fit for you. Did she want you to LIE to her and tell her no, haven't ever done that?
I don't know if she has contacted you yet, but if she hasn't, I'd presume (if I were you) that it's over and I'd work on moving on. Blocking and deleting her number. If she can't even TALK to you or dump you but just walks away, that is not a person you would want to try and have a long-term relationship with.
Besat of luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2022):
I agree with Kenny,
I don't see an issue with asking that question, but I also think you should have asked HER about the same.
Also, it might be something to consider to talk about whether you two want to dig around in each other's past or not.
Is there a chance that SHE was one of those one-night-stands?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (13 October 2022):
 Ok so you have been dating her for around 3 months which is fairly early days, but long enough where you can get away with asking these type of questions.
Maybe she really likes you, maybe she see's a future with you and is just interested in whether you have had a one night stand or not. If you answered fairly and honestly i don't think it that much of a big deal. Did you ask the same question back to her?.
I don't think its that much of a big deal really, although its important to look forward and not back, i guess this question was just niggling her and she just had to know. Just keep an eye out for more questions regarding your past. You have got to be accepting that we all have a past don't we, no matter who we are.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (13 October 2022):
test
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