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female
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anonymous
writes:My bf of two months broke up with me yesterday. We originaly met thru a mutal friend.Anyway he said the reason was cuz he wasnt ready for a relationship (we are 19). I took that to mean he wants to sleeep around with as many girls as he can. Apparanrly before me he did...but he denies doing it.Anyway i am pretty upset he broke up with me cuz i really like him alot. however i was talking to our mutal friend (who could be lieing, i dont know, hes played with our minds before) today and he said my ex bf is really sad about the break up and is moping around and prob regrets breaking up. he seems to think my ex bf felt torn between me and his friends. him and his friends like to go out drinnking and clubbing and to parties etc...where as i am a non drinker and am not into that sorta thing. our friend said that while my ex was in the realtionship he prob felt like he coudlnt be like he used to be and had to change to be like me. i never wanted him to change, although i admit he gave me the impression in the beguing that he wasnt keen on drinking and stuff...then later in the realationship he told me he missed it all. but i never told him he couldnt drink or go out partying. infact i remmeber once offering to drive him if he wanted to drink one night out. but he said no. the friend we both have in common did complain to my ex bf that he didnt see him much when we were going out and so did his brother and a few of his other friends. perhaps this could of been part of the problem. mind u, i dont think i took up that much of his time. some of his friends also would complain that hes changed because he doesnt speed or race cars anymore...some of his mates say its for the better, others say they r happy i have had a positive influence on him. i feel like some of his friends tried to ruin our relationship. so now i am so confused!!! what do i do? he told me he wants to remain friends still. i still want him back but i do have doubts if our relationship could work because of the diff lifestyle thing. i dont want to change mine, altho im willing to meet him halfway. i dont mind that he drinks or goes out partying, just not all weekend every weekend! should i talk to him and ask him if thats how he really feels and why he really broke it off? i dont want to sound desperate...im afraid of leting him know i still like him. or should i wait for him to contact me?? or should i send him a message or something, just like a friend would, and see how things go? or should i just let go? sorry this was long but i really need some advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): You can still be friends. Just choose not to associate around bad behavior, it is your stand. In the meantime, don't place your future on hold, instead build upon it in case he does turn around or you find someone that can compliment your qualities, this could include getting a degree from college, your career. While he is out drinking, you can go to something you enjoy, like the opera, or take a vacation.
It is possible that if you get a degree, and you go on vacations, it could have an impact on him, and he may decide that is the life for him. Once someone sees others having fun without alcohol, that alone can be a wake up call ... that is all it takes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice again. Youve convinced me I should leave him to his drinking and partying ways as he probably neeeds to get it all out of his system. But my question now is still I should remain friends with him? If I remain frineds wiht him and see him etc ill always have a high hope for us geting back together, I dont think I could move on with my life. For me to move on I would need to cut him out of my life...but then that might ruin any chances of us geting back together when we are older :S so confusing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Prior to 19, I use to drink with the guys. Between 19-21, I drank to extremes because the law allowed me. It wasn't until I woke up the day after my birthday, partially on the lawn and partially in the car, that I realized it was time for me to change my ways. I was one of the lucky ones.
Boys have a taste of freedom, and feel a rightto let loose, drinking being one of them.
His partying with his friends and drinking have a higher priority then female relationships right now.
Getting drunk isn't good, but telling a young man that, you will be perceived as crazy. It isn't worth being a part of someones circle when you have to participate, or have to deal with the aftermath.
You know him better then I do, and even though we are guys, any point in time, guys will act differently from each other. Gentle, not pushed words of wisdom may slowly bring him around. Someone who he respects and looks up to is about the only individual who can help bring him around. There is little you can do beyond this. It is he who has to wake up and change, and not you, your the sane one.
Having a good friend of his intervene and get into conversations with him as a close friend can help him turn it around and be responsible and mature. If he continues, life will throw a hard blow his way, and he will feel like he is standing alone with a few nut cases (his friends) around. This happened to me, and then I think of the things I missed and regret. It is a part of growing up, and he will just have to face the consequences later when he realizes what he has done, and the time he has wasted.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Sounds like he really ISN"T ready for a relationship yet. You can remain friends and see what develops. I wouldn't press the issue with him at this point. Relax, go out with other friends and that means guys too. Enjoy these years as a young, single woman, they fly by!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLonelyTwo- yeah my mum keeps telling me that boys at my age are very immature and it will be this way for a while yet to come. however im not expecting him to marry me and have children or even settle down, im not being so serious like that. its just i have NEVER been interested in geting totaly drunk and partying till the early hours of the morning, its just who i am, so i duno if that has anything to do with maturity or what.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is the age for immaturety in boys. I think your mutual friend is correct, but your ex-boyfriend is going to have to learn sooner or latter what is more important.
I recall being this age, and other male friends being shocked that one of them got hitched with a girl and that was the last time they saw of him. What you have described is normal.
I recall my girlfriend at the time being mad at me for the same thing. I was wild, just recently became independent from my parents, and was wild until 21. My girlfriend wanted to settle down and have kids. With just a high school diploma though, that was impossible, I knew this, and didn't feel my girlfriend did; and wanting to settle down and have kids I felt, was being unrealistic, and way to much pressure and responsibilty for me to handle. I recall there were questions of money, making enough to support a family. Even though she was supportive of me, I felt it was empty support, because I had to figure out how to do it, and many places didn't pay enough to pay rent in the town I lived in, let alone supporting 2 or more people. I ended up leaving her.
Men are more realistic then women, men understand some of the road blocks and are more intimidated by them then women are. It might be upbringing, parents not preparing there children to tackle such responsibilities. I think this will be your road block for any guy you meet or date for a few years.
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