A
female
age
41-50,
*crib12
writes:Hello people! My marriage is currently in a critical state. I separated/strategically ran away from my husband after 5months of our marriage. That short duration was clouded with misunderstandings, i saw his mean, self centred, unempathitic, somewhat controlling side. I understand it was a very short duration to get a clear picture of our problems. I however couldn't stay longer as paranoia creeped in and i had sleepless nights fearing for my life. It was extreme and when i couldn't brush it away, i looked for a reason to leave for my country. Now 5months after i left, he is aware that i left because i was unhappy. I have lovingly asked him to travel to my country so that we have a serious conversation about our issues and see a marriage counsellor if need be. . He has been adamant and finally he has said he is not coming. I can't email him everything that happened. Should i really go back to someone i didn't trust my life with, without getting answers to some of his extreme actions? He claims we will sort them out from there. Now i feel drained, that our 'to and fro' arguments on what i would deem natural are being reflected on such a critical matter. What next. Please give me your opinion on this. If it makes a difference i he is 66 years old and i'm 32.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (12 August 2012):
 If counseling was really an option you probably should have tried that before you ran all the way back to your country. It seems kind of like, why bother now? And why "sweetly" ask him to join you when you "feared for your life" when you were with him? You sound very mixed up. Maybe marriage is not for you. You're there now, just stay put. File for divorce and move on. If your life was in danger you probably should not go back. And if you later realized you over-dramatized the situation, then you could still attend counseling for yourself so you don't jump into a paranoid state that clouds your judgement next time around.
A
male
reader, Dodds +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Hi, I remember commenting on your situation a while back and I still believe that you made the right decision as far as your physical and emotional safety is concerned.
From your post you seem to feel strongly for him, but as I have advised several female friends of mine who were in a similar position to yours, it's best to look out for yourself a little, especially where you don't feel as safe as you're supposed to.
You don't seem compatible as a couple, but alas, sometimes the heart wants what it wants. Take a breather for now, and if he still isn't willing to cede some ground as far as your needs and concerns go, then you really need to evaluate the direction you want this relationship to take.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 August 2012):
You say in your post that you had sleepless nights fearing for your life, and that his actions were extreme. If we’re talking about extreme controlling behaviour, or violence, you should not go back to him. Did you feel unsafe, or just insecure? You need to figure out what exactly the concerns were, and whether they were justified or irrational. You do really need a marriage counsellor to help put this marriage back on track if it has any chance, but already he’s refusing to make that commitment. Add to that your paranoia, and the fact that you have already seen mean and controlling behaviour from him, and you start to wonder if there was anything good to be saved in the first place? You left your marriage for a reason, it does seem as though it was a mistake. If he will agree to see a counsellor, you should go without too many expectations, and with an open mind about whether this marriage is workable or not. It doesn’t look very promising though, based on the brief post you’ve provided here. But I’m sure there’s a lot more complexity and detail to this story and a counsellor could help you explore that together. If he won’t see one, you could always see one individually. It would be ideal for you to go together, but you can still work through your emotions on your own with counselling.
I wish you all the very best.
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