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male
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*onfused2
writes: A few months ago, at the grand old age of 29, I finally decided to come-out and admit to myself and the world what I'd really known for years and years - that I fancy men as well as women (and probably more than women). This is something I'd been thinking about doing for a while but I wanted to meet someone who would be worth making the change for. Four months ago I met this amazing guy in a nightclub and only a few weeks after that he became my first ever boyfriend. He's a great guy, and very loving; I love him and I'm very attracted to him physically.My problem is that I'm still very curious about and attracted to other guys. And I also live in a city with a very high gay population and get a lot of interest from other hot guys. After years of denying, suppressing or not acting on my instincts, now that the floodgates have been opened, I feel somewhat like a horny gay teenager. In hindsight it was perhaps a bad idea to go straight into a relationship, but that's the situation I'm in now. I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to not be with him. But I'm finding it really hard to be faithful. One of my friends has a rather pessimistic outlook, which is that one's first boyfriend is a useful leraning experience, but is rarely "the one". Does anyone have any advice?
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (29 June 2006):
You are saying that all these years you waited for someone worth coming out for and after a few months...Now you wished you had come out and then dated around?
You know this man must be pretty special for him to pull you out of your shell....don't discount that just because you got it so easily! Have you considered how you will feel when HE shows up with another date?
Here is what I see happening and I call it Rock Star Stupid. First you have dreamed and dreamed but fear has held you back like a lead weight. You have told yourself 'nobody will accept me, like me, see me as someone with value' If I tell. Now you have somehow made the leap, blind faith, terror, exhiliaration, hope and dreams all choked up in your heart. And...somehow...it's Ok.
In fact its better than ok...you think its easy...you have a great boyfriend and people who really mattered still love you and....YOU are wanted by everyone...a golden child. A Rock star. (flood of offers)
What happens to most rock stars...over confidence leads to major fall because they loose reality. Their heads are turned, they get too confident and they start doing Stupid stuff that they are going to regret later.
You are at this stage right now.
Your head is getting turned and you are starting to rethink what you are sure you wanted. If you really wanted to play around...why didn't you do that years ago?
No...you wanted someone special. You got someone special...so just think about it before you toss him away and think the next one will be just as great.
And by the way is this pessimistic friend also someone who is attempting to turn your head?
You don't want to hurt your boyfriend...but you really are not sure you want to End up with him? Then why was he the one who opened the door to your closet? Be faithful until you know for sure....don't just play and let the cards fall where they may...you may in time come to the same conclusion...that he IS not the one. But don't toss "The One" away on the advice of a pessimist or the dazzle of the New. It hurts too much when you realize the consequences of your mistake.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 June 2006):
 It seems to me that, gay or straight, the same rules apply with relationships. You need to be honest with him, and tell him what you've written here: you love him, you're attracted to him and you don't want to hurt him... but you can't help feeling that you've missed out on dating while you were still closeted. Try to explain that you realise now that you moved too fast with him, and that your "new" sexuality isn't ready for a settled, monogamous relationship yet. Ask if he'd consider continuing to see you as a friend and lover, but don't expect too much!
You don't indicate his level of attraction to you, but it's only been a few months, so it may be that he'll understand your predicament.
If not, unfortunately you're stuck with measuring your love for him against your curiosity about other guys, and making a choice. (The same as if you were choosing one girl over others.) Not doing so, but carrying on with someone else regardless would make you a bit of a creep, so don't do that.
I think you're very self-aware to realise what's driving you; now use your insight to decide what you really want most.
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