A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I asked a question on here awhile back about a casual relationship that I was just starting. Unfortunately, I'm just as lost on the subject now as I was in the beginning. A lot of the advice explained how two people are SUPPOSED to act in a casual relationship but I'm still getting mixed signals from this guy. You could easily say that the signs are all there for me but I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing so here goes a little background...Basically, four months ago (it doesn't seem like it was that long), we met on this dating website and decided to meet. I didn't go in expecting anything serious because I wasn't quite ready considering I had been out of a long term relationship for little over a year and I wanted to explore my options. I'll admit, the dating scene is rough and I wanted to have fun so meeting up with him and there being an instant physical attraction between us made it seem ideal. We had sex on the first meet and while I had never done anything like that before, I had no regrets. That time, he was a little more emotional during the act than he was afterwards (where he was totally standoffish) and some of the advice I got here let me know that that's how things tend to be in casual sex. After that bit of confusion and the first bit of contact afterwards telling me he would like to meet up again, I said to myself, "Ok, we're getting the ball rolling. This could actually be a safe, fun and smooth arrangement." lol But is anything ever that easy? I had it in mind that it was nothing but casual and I treated it as such, texting or phoning him when I wanted to get together. Mind you, we've "met" only three times already based on our very busy schedules conflicting with each other. I'm guessing he wants it to be more often because then he starts to text me randomly to see how my day is going, which is nice but that's if we had at least started off as friends. It always seems awkward because the convo ends when he stops responding which I feel is kind of rude but you tell me. The mixed signals really started to bother me when just recently, I met up with him and we go to his place and instead of the usual "small talk" and then sex, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie where we kind of cuddled and because it was so late, I ended up staying the night. I left from being with him in a state of even more confusion from that night's events and laid low for awhile. Meanwhile, I had visited the dating site we met on and saw that on his page, he changed what he was looking for from "casual" to "serious" relationship which threw me off completely! He has since contacted me but it has been by text and it was to ask me how I was but it dropped short again with what I sent being the last thing said...again. I know that was a lot to take in but I would really appreciate your honest opinion on what this looks like and how I should handle the situation. Your answers have always been helpful and I'm sure you won't steer me wrong this time! Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to come back and thank all of you who helped with my question.
I took the advice of actually talking to him about it and it is now clear that this is in fact a casual thing. I guess I'm just relieved to know and be clear on what it is. I think the mixed signals came from this most likely being new to him as well. He didn't say that it was but I have a feeling as to the way he acts. I wouldn't say he's exactly the player type. He's kind of shy and socially awkward (I tend to be attracted to the geeks lol).
I did not, however, mention the change in status from his dating site page. Since it is casual, it's not my place to really question it or make it into a big deal, and I realize this is where you would need to evaluate whether you can handle a relationship like this. The anonymous male poster raised a good point about him looking for a "real girlfriend" after having found a sex buddy. But is it so bad that I want to ride it out?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): I also think he is playing you. Sending mixed messages is Playing 101.
He wanted casual sex and now he gets it from you. So he is free to change his profile to "wanting something serious" and look for his "real" GF now.
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A
female
reader, belize  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 I think you're are just confused!
You need to sort your head out as to what you want. You know the answer to this question.
You're just making him look bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell because it started off as a physical thing in the beginning, expressing my feelings is a little hard to do right now. There's still a lot of little things about him that I don't know. What I do know, I like, and I feel totally comfortable around him. He's a gentleman when we're together and I've never felt cheap or obligated to rush off. I guess the first time, it was just awkward for the both of us.
I'm just saying that if I do get to know more about him and LIKE who I'm getting to know, then of course it will be easier to tell him how I'm feeling but it also makes it harder for me to just consider it casual.
As far as the texts go, they're usually an exchange of what's going on with us at that moment, nothing too complicated but it seems to be when I'm giving him a personal detail about me. It's weird.
I won't refuse what happens if it turned into more MUTUALLY but I'm not going to be someone who pursues something out of nothing. Thanks for responding!
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (2 June 2011):
This guy is a PLAYER! Sounds like he is choosing is 'victim' carefully,and you have fallen in to his trap!!! The 'one night stand' is not the issue here, its the way that he's having you on this emotional roller coaster.
If you want a casual relationship from this guy, look no further. If you want a serious relationship move on. Every time you thing you got it suss he will move the gaol post. He's trying is hardest to lower your esteem.
Make some ground rules and stick with it if in future you go out on a date.
Don't compromise your integrity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): How do you want this to play out? All I can suggest is you talk to him. You don't know how he feels and what he wants unless you actually ask his opinion. Because he may be happy just as is and the other signals are just nothing and you reading too much into it, or there could be more right?
Just talk to him... Tell him he is giving you mixed signals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): I would just come right out and ask him. "So, I noticed you changed what your looking for on line" and go from there.
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A
female
reader, lorinda +, writes (2 June 2011):
Well, I'm a little confused. It seems obvious that your boy wants more than casual sex...he even puts in print that he is looking for a serious and maybe even a long term relationship. You don't state what it is that you have sent him back in your text, but whatever it is...maybe that has something to do with why he stops responding. Regardless, my confusion lies in you. Are you only wanting casual sex with him? If so, you just need to make that clear. But it seems to me like you are both enjoying each others company...why not have a face to face discussion about what it is you both want...and then ride it out and see where it goes? I don't understand how you are comfortable enough to have sex with this guy, but not to talk to him about how you feel...just sayin!
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A
female
reader, sevrine +, writes (2 June 2011):
well, first i would ask, what do you want out of this relationship? if just casual, then go with it. if your looking for something serious with him, then just ask. but if your "confused", then he probably isn't serious. You would know if he was. I went through the same thing with a guy for 2.5 years and I was confused the whole time. I think you are wasting your time with this guy if you are looking for serious. Did you ever see the movie "He is just not that into you?" if not, watch it. you will get a lot answers to your questions there.
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