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*itizenlondon
writes: Can Love Alone Make A relationship Work ? Hi ! I'm a young guy, just finished Uni, and I really have some issues about my love life that I hope some of you can help me untangle. Here's the situation. I'm in a long-term relationship with this nice person that I met about 1 1/2 years ago. She is really a nice person but there are some things that I have problems with. She is a little bit older than me, six yrs that is, but that itself has never been a big issue for me. She dropped out of high-school long time ago but I really understand that since she had financial problems at the time. But one of the things that bothers me is that she has little personal ambition to pursue a career, to have something better in the future. The thing is I really do love her a lot and I know how she loves me as well and that she would never leave me for another guy, but as we get closer I keep finding things about her that bother me. One of them is the fact that her past is a little bit "darkish" and when we met she never gave me any clues that that might be the case. She had lotsa failed relationships, medication addiction, suicide attempts-and it seems so unbelievable to me b-coz now she changed a lot. I really like her and I think I will try to get over all these difficulties. My question to you, Wise-Forum men and women :) Do you think relationships like these where partners have slightly different goals in life and where one has had much more life-experience than the other can really work nicely ? I really think we should strive for the best in life including relationships, and not settle for small things so I wonder if I will trully be able to have the realtionship that I always dreamt of with this girl. Although I'm repeating myself, I must make it clear that I love her more than I ever loved before and I really would like to just shut my eyes to her past and to all the things that bother me. But on the other hand, I'm wondering if I won't end up 10 years and 2 kids later in the middle of a divorce because things "didn't work out". Pls share some of your stories. Thanks a bunch ! ! ! !
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (5 December 2006):
 I believe that love can conquer all (yeah, I know I'm a hopeless romantic)...
But you have to get to grips with the differences, the niggly bits that have you staying up through most of the night... You see it's not what we have in common that we should relish but the differences that make you love who she is.
We tend to start undermining our relationships when we're happy, now that is what you have to deal with...
But if after all you don't see a future, then let her go and find happiness elsewhere.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): Unfortunately, "love does NOT conquer all." If it did there would be no DearCupid column!
You appear to have very different goals in life, at least insofar as work and career are concerned. You went to university and graduated, and want to be successful. She didn't finish high school - no matter the reason - and has not attempted to get her GSD since, correct? Nor is she terribly ambitious.
Not only that, but she seems to have a whole cluster of problems that she never mentioned to you. You are left slowly finding out about these issues, instead of her being straight with you in the beginning. And yes, I can see that maybe she didn't tell you because she thought you might reject her. Unfortunately, if we are to be in a good relationship, being honest and risking rejection is something we all have to face, some time or another.
Its more a question of two people's ideas and attitudes, general approach to life and the values they have (or do not have) in common, also their hobbies and activities don't really match. Maybe the age difference isn't all that important, and doubtless she really is a nice person and has put, or is trying to put, her past behind her.
Even so, the things you mention - medication addiction; numerous relationships that didn't work out (although that isn't too unusual, relationships not working - thing is what do you know about WHY they failed?); more than one suicide attempt; maybe her ability to make a good living is hindered by lack of education. All these are serious issues. She may be clinically depressed (a wild guess, who knows?)
True, we have to make allowances for the small things, and be tolerant of glitches, in relationships. However, these are no small matters you're telling us about!
You'd be well advised not to shut your eyes and try to convince yourself it doesn't bother you, Maybe she HAS changed a great deal, for the better.
However, my recommendation to you is: (Let the) buyer beware!
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