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female
,
anonymous
writes: Is it possible to reteach people how to treat you? I come from a nice enough family but it seems that my brother and sister treat me the way they did when we were kids....not the way I am now. Both my brother and sister had affairs and lost their spouses and both are really materialistic. I am in a stable relationship and have a stable job and am working on an advanced degree but when I am with them my brother makes the odd belittling remark...but says he is just kidding and my sister acts like I am not even there. She is rude to me in front of my brother and does not treat me right. I think I am a decent person but I am tired of their disrespect. I am not surprised that both of them lost their marriages because of their lack of sensitivity. Both seem to like slamming their ex spouses when I am around and I have asked them to stop doing this in my presense as I think both of their exes were treated badly. I guess I have two questions. If these two people were not family I would have nothing to do with them but would like suggestions for dealing with them during family gatherings. Can I reteach them how to treat me?
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female
reader, pica +, writes (16 September 2006):
I do sympathise. Thing is, you're saying you want nothing to do with them and they probably know that on some level. So they have nothing to lose by treating you exactly as they please - in fact, they may enjoy even your discomfort. I don't think that you can 're-teach' them but maybe if you remain pleasant but distant then over time they may treat you with more respect. You might want to avoid getting involved in conversations about their lives as that sounds like part of the problem. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2006): My advice would be to "kill 'em with kindess," as they say. The best way they can see how to treat others is to be shown. Sorry for all the cliches, but "treat others as you want to be treated" applies here as well. Even if they don't reciprocate this behavior, at least during family gatherings, everyone will see that you really are the bigger person and you are doing your best to treat them kindly, even when they are rude and abrasive. If this really doesn't return even the slightest of changes in your siblings, then I'd say that it's time to sit down with them and ask them what's up with all the rude remarks and condesending comments. Maybe they are jealous of your stability while their relationships continue to fall apart. It's time for a heart-to-heart. You're family, after all, and you'll stay that way until the day you die. So try to make things better and make the best of what you do get. Hopefully they will listen and understand your feelings. They are family, after all. I hope this has been of help to you. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out okay. Take care!
~RJGirl
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