A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone!Here is my problem. Me and my bf have not been getting on too well, and there have been a lot of issues lately. He has asked for some space from me this week, I last saw him on Sunday, today is Thursday and we are meeting up on Saturday, when I expect and hope to spend the rest of the weekend together. He is currently working nightshifts and tends to be very anti-social during them anyway, with everyone! I can’t imagine what they do to him, he has to work 13 hours with no sleep for a 3 week rota (with days off inbetween).The problem I am having is that I am missing him like hell! I pine form him and just cant wait until Saturday when we are together again. I think he enjoys the space more than me, maybe this is just a ‘man-cave’ type thing and also it’s the nightshifts and also it is because I am so bloody needy!Does anyone have any tips on how to be less needy? I wish I could be more okay with spending a few days apart (we don’t live together). Also, should I be worried about him not missing me like I miss him? He is on night shifts afterall. This stuff just goes round and round and round my head, I feel so damn insecure and needy and I just miss him so much. I hate myself for being this way. Going out and socialising is tricky as I am on the wagon at the moment (one of the problems we have had is my drinking behaviour, so pubs are a no-no just now). I could just do with some tips on how to treat myself better during this period and ways to combat insecurity and neediness. I have had therapy before and have just been accepted for CBT, which I am waiting for.Your thoughts/tips/help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 I think you're driving yourself needlessly crazy. Here's why: if he was up to something he shouldn't be, he would NOT tell you about it. Him telling you about talking to someone was just him being honest. He needed company and she provided it. I seriously believe that had a cool guy been sitting there the outcome would have been the same.
Your question about him liking her is such a trap. Of course he liked her, if he didn't, he wouldn't have bothered maintaining a conversation. That doesn't mean he was attracted to her, or wanted to cheat on you with her, it simply means he enjoyed her company during the time they were talking. You flirt, so why the double standard if he talks to someone else? Because you'd prefer he lie about it to your face? How are lies ever going to build trust? That's right, they can't!
I think your insecurity stems from your cheating. You're on edge because you think he's waiting to "even the score."
Your behavior is only going to make things worse for you. He's going to feel trapped by someone who doesn't even trust him to walk down the street. And that someone is a person who doesn't mind flirting with random guys she may come across when drunk, and lies about it. But if he does the same thing, she freaks out and makes his life hell, even though he was open and honest with her. It almost seems that when he's honest with you, it's worse for him. What does that teach him? It teaches him you would prefer he lie to you. But, know what will happen if he does lie to you? You'll be insecure that he's lying and what does he have to hide? See how he's trapped? He tells you the truth, and you freak out. He lies, and you'll freak out. The only real option you leave him is to be a complete shut in who speaks to nobody but you. Well, that or to dump you.
A relationship cannot survive without trust. If you trust him, then you will not let your insecurities ruin the relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Cupidus, I dont understand your answer, it makes no sense to me, are you replying to the bit i added this morning about whtehr i have reason to be insecure?
I dont know whther i am a good soul or not.I used to think I was but since i have been unfaithful i'm not sure anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Has he done anything to make me insecure? Well kinda. See what you think of this.
I have always been an insecure person, I had a drug problem years ago and insecurity and anxiety has always plagued me. I always feel insecure that my partners will cheat on me.
Me and my bf have been together over a year. It has always been a difficult relationship which I mind and don’t mind. I am a complex person myself so it kind of suits me that he is too and that we are complex together, although sometimes I miss things just being ‘easy’. I guess that kind of life is just not my bag.
Anyway, yeah, we have been having a lot of problems. He has admitted that he is unhappy but still loves me. Last weekend I got really insecure that he had met someone else. He had been out drinking with a single, good looking friend. I asked him if he had met anyone else and he said ‘not really.’ I said ‘what does that mean’ and he said ‘well, I was talking to a girl in this bar.’ My heart sank. I asked if anything happened and he said no and I also asked if they swapped numbers and he said no. I asked did you like her and he said when he was talking to her (about 20 minutes) that he had felt that he liked her (I think this meant he was attracted to her).This has devastated me. I don’t know if I am being dramatic because afterwards I asked if it had meant anything and he said no and it was just flirting and he was drunk and he couldn’t even remember what she looked like. This happened last Friday, today is Friday and it’s all I’ve thought about all week. He has said that he would never be unfaithful to me. I don’t think he has but it has devastated me that he even liked this girl. I asked him why he told me and he said because I kept asking probing questions and also said to me, ‘what do you expect, I’ve been unhappy.’
So, has he done anything to make me insecure? What do you think? I have lost count of the number of men that I have flirted with when I’ve had a few drinks but it means nothing to me, I love him. I don’t have a problem with people flirting when they are in a relationship, as long as that is all it is. Do you think this is reason for concern, what he has told me or should I just try to let it go? From what he has told me it just sounds like he flirted with a girl in a bar when he had had too much to drink. But why did he tell me? That’s the concern. I would never tell him something like this and I am always flirting with other guys when I go out.
I was very upset when this happened and we discussed it at length and in the end he was very exasperated with it all and was saying, ‘I did nothing wrong, apart from telling you.’ I have gone on at him about this all week and I don’t really want to discuss it anymore but would like to hear your thoughts whether I should let this go or be really concerned. Like I said before, I have a natural tendency to be insecure and I always worry that my partners will be unfaithful or meet someone else, so my concern here is that I am repeating that pattern and what he has told me has just put fuel on my insecure fire? But I also get confused and think, is he being a bastard and should I just get the hell out? I don’t really want to. I love him to bits. It’s worth mentioning that I was unfaithful once when we first got together but it was only kissing and I was very drunk so could I also be feeling insecure as I am the one who was unfaithful; the guilty one ends up accusing? Please don’t judge me, I am not a serial cheat and I regret it deeply.
Would love to hear your thoughts, I’m so confused and upset right now. if I’m being pathetic please tell me, I need honesty just now. thanks for replying.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 You said it "I hate myself for being this way"
So what is it in your inner self that you think you should suffer? What do you gain from suffering?
Control, resilience, power, retribution, forgiveness?
Your needs are IMO acceptable normal needs.
Yet you feel you don't deserve them, what's up with that?
You've made a choice without considering that you can change that choice. It's ok to change your mind. That's adult, that's taking responsibility.
You sound like a good soul, do you believe that?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 March 2011):
Take up a hobby, something to occupy your mind and time. It could be going to the gym, or reading, or a craft, or art, gardening... You've got lots of options.When you smother someone with your attention, they feel the need to escape it. After a while though, they start to miss it a little. That's when you can start, but still keep it toned down some.There's no easy way to combat insecurity. Doing things that build your confidence are usually your best bet. Maybe it's getting into better shape, or taking up a martial art, or even some psychology classes so you can better understand what's going on in your head. Usually insecurity has to do with a lack of trust. Think, is there anything he's done to make you question your trust in him?
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