A
female
age
36-40,
*adyjayna
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We run a small business together, live together, and many of our friends and loved ones refer to us as married. We try to communicate well with each other, and we believe in complete trust, and always being able to come to the other person to talk about things without fear of judgement or reproach.We recently had a serious chain of events happen that led to us losing a computer and having to buy one unexpectedly for the business. It is supposed to be the computer that lasts us at least the next 5 years, so needless to say I want to take excellent care of it. My boyfriend came to talk to me this evening, saying that he felt he would be able to do more productive work if he were able to take the computer (large, heavy and cumbersome iMac) out of the house (where our office is) to work sometimes. I was very adverse to this idea, because statistically speaking the more you move a computer, the more likely it is to get damaged. I did not follow our code of communication i mentioned before, but tried to shut him down by expressing my concern for the computer, and not entertaining anything he wanted to say. His frustrations were not that i cared about the computer, but that I cared more for a computer than for his feelings/needs, and that I addressed my concerns not by talking with him in a respectful way, but by trying to make him feel guilty and bad for even bringing up the issue.As i am tying now, i feel this was not a conversation for us as a couple, but for us as business partners, and that while I his girlfriend care about his needs and feelings, I his business partner feel it's an unwise decision. it's a very mucky situation, but it's not really about the computer in the long run. It's about the fact that I felt it was ok to shut him down. He's very clear on why he's upset - it's not about the computer, but the way I treated him when trying to resolve the issue to my satisfaction at the expense of his feelings and our relationship.It's not the first time i've reacted to something at the expense of treating him well. We both feel that there's no excuse for treating your partner badly. I guess my question is.. How can I make this right? And treat him well even if we don't agree about something?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ladyjayna +, writes (24 June 2010):
ladyjayna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the business advice. We work with both an accountant and have insurance for our business (although insurance claims take time to process and we don't necessarily have the overhead to go out and buy another new computer instantaneously, holding up our workflow, etc etc). We also back up all of our data, so it's not an issue of having our business wiped out. Specifically the work we are talking about is photo editing for a photography business. By definition, to provide quality work, the editing must be done on a large monitor, not a laptop lcd screen with variable brightness every time you tilt the screen forward or back. We are very mobile when meeting with clients, but the editing is something that needs to be done on the larger screen to be done well. Our business is growing steadily, and has been for the past 2.5 years :)
But, as I said, it's really not about the computer. It's about how I treat him when he comes to me with something. In this instance, it was the computer that prompted my dismissal of his needs, but it could have been anything. I sometimes have a hard time listening when it's something i wish he hadn't asked. I want to be able to talk things out with him respectfully even when i might not agree with him - just because we don't agree, it doesn't mean it's ok to treat him badly or shut him down... but sometimes in the moment i have trouble remembering that. How can I stop myself in the moment from treating him a way i know i wouldn't want to be treated??
A
female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I think you can make it right by letting him take the computer to work on occasion. It's just a computer. Computers can breakdown for a million reasons. Your boyfriend dropping it on the way to the car is just one of them. In this circumstance this isn't that you guys want it in two different places. He just wants it in a different place every now and then. Show him that his decisions and ideas are just as good as yours are by letting him take it in to work every now and then.
And to avoid making him feel bad in the future you just live and learn. This is life, not a perfect theory on how relationships work. Sometimes he will disregard your feelings, sometimes you will disregard his. Because you guys have chosen to be lovers and business partners, you have put yourself in a position demanding double respect. Both as a caring lover and a worthy partner. You can't go around thinking "John never puts the towels away so what he know about organizing the stock room?" You have to treat him with more respect than most people have to treat their partners cause your business and your love life are on the line.
Also, there is no such thing as "It's not personal. It's business". Everyone will at sometime take a business decision personal. Even The Godfather got upset when a family member turned on him! There is a reason there are sayings like "Don't do business with friends and family" or "Don't dip your pen in company ink". Not just cause they are cute sayings. But because thousands of people have tried it before and realized "Oh, this doesn't work!" You have to decide what is going to give, work or relationship. They can't be equal. If you choose work over relationship, life will be a bunch of fights. If you choose relationship over work, you are going to have frustrating moments at work where your hands feel tied. But I think you guys need to decide which one is the priority. I don't mean end one, I just mean that when an issue arises like this, one is going to have to be the guiding light. You either give in for the sake of your lover or you stand firm for the business. Unfortunately they will both cause problems.
...............................
|
