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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi Dear Cupid users, I’m glad I remembered what this site was as it’s been at least 15 years since I’ve browsed it. I’ve come back to ask for some advice. I’ve recently (about 6 months ago) found myself in a relationship with the man of my dreams. I genuinely could not have asked for anything more in a partner. He treats me wonderfully. He’s very intelligent, tall, handsome, thoughtful… I could go on and on. I don’t think I’ve ever been this comfortable in a relationship. But, there was one conversation we had after a few drinks that I can’t get out of my head. We’ve talked pretty extensively about the topic, but I’m having issues still with it. So he flat out told me he’s not sure if he feels love. He said he hasn’t even experienced butterflies in his stomach since he was a teenager (he is 34 now). I asked him if he felt differently towards me than a hypothetical best friend, and he said ‘not really.’But, he says he is very comfortable around me; and that he does love me. Whatever his idea of love is, he says it’s there because he wants to have a future with me, is comfortable, finds me attractive, misses me when I’m not around, all of that stuff… And to reiterate, he has been great to me. But this conversation was pretty taxing on me. I can’t stop thinking about it. Logically speaking, he does everything a partner should be doing. I never would’ve imagined him saying that by the way he acts towards me. I will say that I could kind of tell I was the more interested party. That’s pretty typical though as I tend to come on quite strongly at first. He’s going to be starting therapy here soon since he believes he has some underlying issues from his past that may be causing this. What would you do in this situation? I’m finding it hard to come to terms with. I’m madly in love with this man and to hear that he isn’t even sure if he experiences love just kind of sucks, you know?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 October 2023):
 I think your feelings are valid, OP
And you might find that ALL the things you initially liked about him isn't really something HE is willing to share with you. He might not BE the right guy for you.
We have all dated someone we "thought" was the "perfect partner" and then we found out they weren't at all what we thought.
While I get the whole wanting to be comfy when sleeping (I'm the same) it does show that HE isn't as willing to give or invest in spending time with you, as YOU are.
Maybe sit down (by yourself) and make a pro/con list.
What do you LIKE about him?
What WORKS for you two?
What do you two share in common?
What do you not like about him?
What doesn't Work for you?
Lastly, do you think relationship has a future? Long term?
And what would you LIKE your future relationship to be like? Because right now what you want/need from a partner isn't being fulfilled, is it?
Right now you two sound like two ships passing in the night. Not really something you can base a future on, is it?
To be honest? I feel you deserve more than he is willing to give (from the little you mention).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2023): How important is it to him that he has these "butterflies" feelings?
Is he even aware of how important that might be to him?
Some people repress their feelings and needs automatically. They act based on the needs they feel are appropriate or easy to satisfy or... it's what we mean when we say that someone has settled. Some poeple can be perfectly happy that way! But some... oh boy.
Six months is not a lot. You need to give your relationship time and be open about everything. Both of you.
There are different stages of feeling "something" for someone.
We can be attracted to certain poeple without even knowing them well. Then, when we get to know them, unless we willingly delude ourselves, we either have reasons to like them even more, or we simply say that this person was not who we thought they were.
Many people mistake attraction for falling in love and even loving someone!
Some people really live their stories of loev at first sight and it can be beautifull. I married the man I saw and "'just knew", but not because of that! I got to know him and like him and love him. He could have been someone I couldn't imagine my future with. It happens too.
So you need to be patient and open and realistic.
Good partners either speak the same "love language" or they learn the "love languages" of their partners.
Some poeple need grand gestures to feel loved, but they also need the basics: for the partner to be present, truthful, faithful ... the problem is when they override the need for the basics because of the gestures.
Don't ask him to be what he isn't. Love him for what he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2023): Honeypie - Thank you for the reply You’re absolutely correct. The butterflies were just an example, I guess. You’re right about it not being the end all be all though. I think a lot of my concern comes from having been able to just kind of tell that I was more interested than he was. He doesn’t seem like a very emotional person to begin with. Here’s an example that put the idea in the back of my mind before he even said anything:We are truck drivers so we don’t get to see each other much. We happened to be in the same area, so I decided to stop at the same truck stop he was at to hang out with him. The beds in the truck are less than ideal. Small for two people. This is where him and I differ, and I realize this may sound very immature of me, but hear me out. Since we see each other about once a month at this point, I like to spend every moment I can with him. This includes sleeping in the same bed, even if it is a little uncomfortable. We’ve made it work before.. Granted, it is more comfortable sleeping alone and is probably the better idea. But, I’m the type to want to deal with being mildly uncomfortable if I’m able to sleep next to him. He, on the other hand, would rather sleep alone. I know it sounds kind of silly. But when I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks, I want to be with him while I have the opportunity. We have plans to see each other more regularly at the end of this year, though. So I guess where him and I differ is that I’m willing to suffer a bit more for some extra time together. Probably irresponsible of me though. He has always thought very logically about our relationship and spending time together. Whereas I think I’m a little more led by emotion when it comes to him. Maybe I’m just being silly. Writing all of this out makes me feel like a dork. I’m not nearly as patient as he is. I can’t help missing him. I am thankful for him being level headed, I don’t think I could deal with someone that acted like me!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2023):
Feeling "butterflies" isn't the be-all or end-all when it comes to LOVE.
I think he is mature enough to want to be honest with you.
But I do understand why you feel hurt. If I heard that from my husband, I'd feel hurt too. I think that is natural.
Each person experiences "love" in their own way. I don't think you can qualify or quantify LOVE in a way that will encompass EVERYONE.
If he treats you with respect, care, consideration, trust, honesty, and integrity isn't that better than someone who "temporarily" has "butterflies" for you?
Also, I think it's good that he goes to see a therapist and unpack his past, so he can deal with it and put that away.
Lastly, would you rather that he never told you? He would still FEEL the same way.
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