A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Ok so, this is probs going to be a strange one but here we go. So I’ve been with my boyfriend since Feb this year, met in November last year. For weeks now he has been staying at mine (I have my own place) to start with it was a few days a week but now it’s pretty much full time. My friends have, maybe jokingly, said ‘oh he should just move in’ I let it slide but a few weeks back I broached the subject with him. He said it was too soon and we haven’t known each other a year yet, I completely get this and he said something about it being a big commitment and he’s scared, again I understand and maybe I don’t think of it as a big deal because I’ve lived away from my parents since I was 18, now I’m 24. He also sometimes makes remarks that I’d be ‘upset’ and things if he wasn’t there most nights, which maybe true, but I don’t want him staying because he feels sorry for me or something. It’s a weird one because I obviously pay all the bills myself, which have gone up because there’s ‘2’ people living here rather than one, when we spoke about it, I did bring that up as, I’m not sure how it works in other counties but in the UK you can pay for what you use in terms of electricity and gas, so two people having showers and charging phones and him WFH sometimes, yes may not sound like a lot but obviously will go up compared to when I was here alone/when he wasn’t staying as much. He said in passing he would give me/send me money for these as he understands the situation, but has t done so - yet.Food shops too, usually buy for me and then have leftovers as and when but cooking food for two people and things. Basically I’ve just ‘ranted’ and I’m not sure what to do, his mum has made comments about it being too soon to move in and things which makes me think that if he DID decide to that it may look like I’ve forced it? I don’t get how him being here most days is different to moving in full time? Just need advice on what to do really.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022): You are easily manipulated and pliable. You should have set out some ground rules before he started coming around all the time. I did this with mine. I cook meals some evenings and pay for the food. He takes me out other evenings and pays for the meals out. This worked great - he is not mean and he is not a freeloader - nor am I. Why would any self respecting woman want to be with a freeloader? Or a guy who promises to pay her something and then does not bother? You should wake up and see that this means he is unreliable and not worth the bother.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022): Unless you need a roommate, I don't recommend moving in with a guy full excuses why he can't commit to you. I agree that it's too soon, so why is he living with you???
I get it, you're trying to show him how great of a girlfriend you are, and how wonderful it could be living with you. The problem is that he's getting all the benefits without any personal investment, sweetheart.
I'd say the trial period is over; and he should go back to where he was before he landed in your place. He likes a woman who'll take care of him; but he is failing when it comes to the commitment test. He offered to give you money that you haven't seen yet. RED FLAG!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022): Ok, I get that he might not contribute to your fixed costs like energy or Internet if he is living elsewhere. But if he is regularly eating at yours, he should at least buy groceries for when he is staying over. If he isn't already bringing food over voluntarily then this rings some alarm bells to me. Next time he is coming over I would suggest you tell him you need some milk, eggs etc otherwise there won't be any food and see if he brings them and expects reimbursement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022): He has moved in! But not paying for it think about it!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 July 2022):
 There is a BIG difference in him "just" staying and him moving in. BIG.
For one, he would HAVE to share the costs and expenses of SHARING a place.
Secondly, he would be responsible for chores the same as you.
And 3, he isn't a "guest" any longer.
Does he live with his mom? Is that why he is staying over so much? Does he work?
Claiming that he is staying with you because otherwise YOU would be "upset" is ridiculous. You managed for 6 years to live away from your parents just fine.
Sounds more like an excuse. He likes being at your place, to be "pampered" by you. Maybe (if he still lives at home) mom doesn't DO things for him as much as you do.
Moving in together is TOO soon, especially for you two. As you see things VERY differently.
You want an equal partner who helps out financially and around the house - HE wants a "new mommy" to take care of him.
If he doesn't live with his mom, GO stay at his and don't lift a finger or pay a penny, see how he likes that.
If he lives with his mom, then he DEFINITELY needs to FIRST move out and live on his own before moving in with you.
Overall, I don't think he sees you as a long term option.
As WiseOwlE put it " He's totally shameless!"
Too true.
I would say a GOOD rule of thumb for living together with a partner is perhaps a YEAR into a relationship. Where you KNOW he/she has a steady job, and can DO chores (you would be surprised how many young people don't know how to do things such as cook, clean, do laundry, and pay bills. Because mommy always did.
You are already seeing how he handles you mentioning the extra cost - he is BLOWING you off.
" He said in passing he would give me/send me money for these as he understands the situation, but has t done so - yet."
Oh, it's not that he forgot. HE knows you wouldn't ASK him to his face for XX pounds.
Time to send him home. Decide how often you want him over.
Your house isn't his flop house. It's your home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): Your couch-surfing/freeloading "boyfriend" is taking advantage of you. You pretend not to be aware of it; but you may as well face it!!! Days have turned into weeks; and he's not even volunteering to pitch-in for the groceries or helping to cover the bills.
Girlfriend, do you really need a group of strangers on an advice site to tell you to kick the sucker out?
Send him back to wherever he came from; before he assumed rent-free squatter's-rights to your flat. Are you're putting up with this because you want a man so badly?
Now he knows you're too soft to put him out now; because he's well aware you want him to move in. He's given you a long list of excuses, which means he may not be that into you. Sex is available on-demand, he's got a rent-free place to flop, and free food. He's totally shameless!
He's not a stray kitty who showed-up at the backdoor in the rain. He's a full-grown man; and shouldn't be mooching off a female who's struggling to get-by! Send him home to his mama!
Put him out!!! Invite him back only when he's willing to pay his share; and decided you're officially a couple. After what he said, what really makes you think he's your boyfriend? If he's so scared and undecided, maybe you should stop wasting your time trying to manipulate or coerce a guy into being your boyfriend.
It's almost blatantly obvious he's only with you, because he needed a place to land for free! That's what your friends are trying to tell you in an indirect way; but maybe you didn't quite put it the way they've actually said it. They told you exactly what I've told you, didn't they?
You already know the answer to your post. You don't need advice, you need to decide whether you want a man at any cost; or a guy who is self-supporting and not commitment-phobic. He's not looking for a girlfriend, he wants a free-ride.
Use your common sense, don't let your heart deceive you, sweetheart! See it for what it is!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): You need to be honest. Would you be uspet if he didn't stay over? Or to put it differently, would you be upset if you two guys didn't spend most nights together? WHy don't you go and stay some nigths at his place/room?
You need to stop talking "in passing" and address money issues directly, like adults. I would prepare my bills before and after and show him the difference. I would also STOP buying groceries alone. Why don't you two make a weekly budget for food and contribute to it 50% each. Once upon a time, when we used mostly cash, we'd have a special wallet for that.
You have been independant for some time now. He's not at that level yet. I can understadn some gray areas when it comes to feelings, but bills and groceries are not about feelings. If a guy is ready to act as a freeloader this early in a relationship, things can only get worse later.
You need to talk to him and make things clear.
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