A
female
age
36-40,
*ass6487
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years decided today that he is moving out and that he needs time and space for himself. He said that he thinks he needs a break to find himself again and he thinks it would be best if we go on a break and he moves out. Obviously, this made me very upset. I love him but I am very hurt. I can't say I didn't see this coming. He has been very detached for months. I kept trying so hard for things to be perfect and to let him know how much I love him, support him, and appreciate him. It has been like talking to a brick wall. I feel unwanted and unloved. And I am unhappy.When he told me today that he was moving out, he seemed surprised that I was upset and didn't understand why I would cry. He apparently doesn't want to date other people and wants to 'find himself' again so he 'can come back to me a better man.' He has been under a lot of stress lately, but I don't feel that is an excuse. He left for the night to stay with a friend, and is apparently coming back to get his stuff tomorrow. I took off my promise ring that he gave me a year ago, and he got really upset when he saw that I wasn't wearing it today. What should I do? I do love him and want things to work out, but after we take such a huge step backwards with him moving out, I am not sure what we can do anymore to remedy things....please help me figure out what I should do??!?
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female
reader, kkitty +, writes (11 June 2013):
Did your boyfriend ever come back? I ask because I am going through the exact same thing with my boyfriend. We've been together 7 years and he told me he needs a break and is moving out. He said he needs to get his life in order, finish school, and needs time on his own but he still wants to keep in contact with me and be in my life. He said time may be just what we need to bring us closer together and to better our relationship, and that he will never stop loving me. I'm devastated and I really hope that he comes back.
A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Your letter sounds like you've broken it off with him. Is this a break for you? or is this breaking up? Does he accept it as being broken up?
Make sure that you do what is best for you. You are his girlfriend and not his mum, so while being supportive is wonderful, realise that he WILL change, and you will too in your time apart. Do you want to wait for him? Do you want to move on?
He needs to do what he needs to do, and he's made his choice, now it's time to start thinking about you. I know it's hard and it'll hurt, but start taking deep breaths and jumping into life. This is your opportunity to fill your life with things you love.
Fill it with more than a boyfriend. Maybe get a pet to keep you company if you get a bit lonely. Spend loads of time with friends and family. Organise a holiday away with some friends. Get a new hobby! Try new things you'd never have time to do before.
Ultimately i realise what you want is for him to not leave you, but now you have to realise that that has been taken off of the table. Start thinking about what you need and what you want and how you're going to get through this.
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A
female
reader, cass6487 +, writes (6 August 2010):
cass6487 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we talked. He said that he loves me very much and this is hard for him to do. He said that he has always been in a relationship and he has never been fully independent. He went from living at home to living with me. He said that he loved living with me, but he feels like he needs to build something for himself - Build a future. He said that he hopes that when he is done doing this, he can come back to me a better man. He said he is not interested in dating anyone else; he wants to spend this time alone, figuring out who he is. He said that he felt like he has never accomplished anything, and would like to bring more to the table in our relationship. He said he wants to figure out what he is doing with his life. He never had the option of going to college like I did, he never went away to school, and he said that he wants to build a life and future that he can offer me.
We have completely different backgrounds. My family is well off and although I do work very hard at my job, I know that my parents were incredibly supportive and helped me through school. School was never and option for him and he would have probably not considered going if I hadn't encouraged him to save money to go. His family is very unsupportive and belittle him a lot. He did not come from money at all, and when he turned 18, his parents basically told him that he would have to start completely supporting himself. So, he lived at home for 4 years before moving in with me after I graduated from college. During that four year period, he worked 10 hour days, 5 or 6 days a week, and saved money for school. He will be attending college this fall.
I think he wants to prove to himself, his family, and I that he can make it on his own. He said that he feels unadequate and he feels I deserve only the best. He said that he wants to be able to offer me more. He said he loves me and I am his best friend, but he would like to move out and be on his own for the time being. He said he knows how much I love him, and he loves me too and he just wants our relationship to be stronger. He said he never wants either of us to feel that we held the other back, and he said he doesnt want me to wake up one day and regret how much I did have to hold his hand over the years. He said he thinks this break and separation will help him become a better man and make our relationship so much stronger.
This is what I wrote to him in a letter I gave him this afternoon:
"You said you need your space and I do truly love you, so if that is what you need, I want to give that to you. I want you to keep growing into the man I always saw you becoming. I am so proud of you for how far you have come in four short years and I have no doubts that you will build a wonderful future for yourself. I have complete faith in you. I want you to experience life on your own and I want you to see yourself how I view you. I see a great, caring person who is very intelligent and has such a promising future. I don't want to lose you, but I love you enough to let you go. I want you to be happy and proud of yourself. I don't want you to ever settle or ever doubt yourself. You have made me so happy over the last four years, and I am truly blessed to have met such an amazing person. Please make yourself happy. I love you and that's all I want for you."
This is really hard....
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (2 August 2010):
He isn't breaking up with you. i can understand why you're upset. He sounds like he's leaving for awhile because things aren't right. he's not giving up, he's just trying to sort himself out and sometimes people need time and space alone to do this. Don't feel like it is your fault cos if it was your fault he would have broken up with you instead of just having a break. He isn't going to date other people so you don't have to think of it as a break if you don't want to. Think of it as he's having a vacation to find himself. Don't you ever lose yourself in life and forget who you are and what makes you happy? sometimes people need a break to rediscover this. You said yourself that things haven't been great and you've been doing all you can, and now he's taking it into his own hands to try and sort things out. It IS a big step backwards, but you're both not happy right now - did you use to be happy? I'm assuming you were happy together before you lived together, otherwise you wouldn't have moved in together. So for now, think of it as a step backwards - a step back into being happy together. Talk to him. thats the most important thing. Ask him what he wants to happen. what he expects from you. You need to know where you stand. how long is he going for? Are you still allowed to see him every now and then, are you allowed to talk on the phone? if he see's you in the street is he still going to hug you?
Taking off your promise ring probably surprised him, maybe he doesn't see this the way you do. You need to talk to each other about it. Tell him how it makes you feel that he's leaving.
If you're not happy with the situation and you can't live with it, and you can't see yourself moving forwards with him ever again, then you should tell him so and you should leave.
You need to talk to him, not in a pushy way, but he needs to understand his decision has really hurt you, whether he intended it to or not, and you have to tell him why it hurt you.
If you don't talk to him, you'll never know what to do.
I know i've rambled on a lot. But i hope it was sort of helpful. Sorry if it isn't. I hope things work out. Just be strong. Spend more time with your friends and take a deep breath, remind yourself that your boyfriend is not your life, and see this as an opportunity to have more independence and find yourself too. xxx
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