A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I am 24 and I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 15!things were going really great,we got into the same college finished our degress,we have a very good job,although my boyfriend comes from a rich family but yet he decided to do things his way,he's very hardworking..but the past week has been soo terrible,my boyfriend lost his father his role model,ever since he's been upset,just screams or yells and I just wanted to give him the time,but yesterday he raised his hands on me I was shocked I cldnt move,I don't know if I should walk away from this relationship,or just help me overcome with this situation..what do I do?I'm just scared what if he does it again?he apologised cried begged me to forgive him,but now I'm scared if he does it again?what do I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 January 2013):
NO excuse to hit a woman, save she is hitting you or has a weapon or something like that.
I dont want to hear any BS about losing his dad, its an excuse. Ive been through some pretty tough times in my life and I have never struck any woman I was with.
One time is too many - its like a dog biting. Once they do it, you know they have the capacity for it. Move on.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 That's no excuse to hit a woman I'm sorry. My Dad died when I was 23 and I had to take the reigns. It was a hell of a lot of responsibility when I was so young. However, I would NEVER hit a woman regardless.
Leave him and find someone else. He's an idiot. If he can't control his anger then it will happen again when something else in his life doesn't go well.
Leave.
It's no excuse.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (14 January 2013):
If he's done it once, you're on for more of the same in the future.
You need to be with someone who has better control over their emotions.
Don't blame yourself and don't make excuses for him.
I say move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Hello, I agree with the other replies, they each have a valid point to consider.
So you've been with your boyfriend for almost ten years in total, you've been through a lot and shared a lot of experiences and from what I read, are quite successful in you efforts together up until this rough patch. This is the first time he's ever raised a hand to you and it so happens he's lost his father also. If this loss is trough death, then your boyfriend is grieving and will not be emotionally stable, hence why he lost control to that extent.
I don't want to conclude that your boyfriend is becoming a violent wife beater, but, he needs to grieve for his father (again if this is due to death) and that can/will be an emotional and tough time for you both. Its hard to suggest a certain method or tactic to get through this successfully together, grieving is different and affects everybody in unique ways. Some people like to have the loved ones close to them for comfort and support and to keep them in focus and on the right track in life. Others like to be left alone and may fall into bad depression and turn to drink to forget. Ultimately, it all depends on the person, how determined they are to overcome their grief, and how soon they are willing to accept the loss. All I can suggest to you is, give him time and space. Don't push or pressure him into talking to you or opening up, leave that for him to initiate when he's ready.
I'm not saying grief is a plausible excuse for becoming aggressive with you, as that isn't an effect it has on everyone or most people in my opinion so yes, your boyfriend has a violent streak in him naturally that will rear its ugly head if provoked. I don't think you should leave him over this one incident though and he did show genuine remorse and regret for his actions. Everyone deserves a second chance, and the consideration by others to be understood given the circumstances. However, if that behaviour becomes more frequent and almost for little or no reason, then you may want to consider giving him all the space in world and walk away. I highly doubt there's any way you can talk any rationality into him right now, he'll be too wrapped up in his own emotions and thoughts to take anything on board, and I guess you will feel powerless to help him. As I said, don't pressure him, give it time. You'll know which path the grief will take him down because you'll either see gradual improvements in him, or a decline or deterioration in his personality in the weeks ahead.
I went through the same with an ex of mine when she lost her father to a terminal illness, her grief spelled the end of our relationship.
Its a tough time but good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Hi, I do not condone what the BF did but I dont think he is emmotionally stable and would not have hit you if he was himself. You need to give him space and let him heal as its not easy losing a parent and he seems to be taking it really badly. Also he might not want your support as some people liek to deal with this privately and not want someone hounding them or talking to anyone.
Also warn him that if he does do it again you will leave and charge him for violence.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Audrey +, writes (14 January 2013):
 When you say 'lost' do you mean his father died? if that is the case he will be grieving. But that is still no excuse to take his frustration and grief out on you. What he did was wrong. Has he apologised yet?Your boyfriend needs to reach out to a professional and be taught how to work through his grief. And maybe take some anger management classesBut if there is no apology? Then I think you need to sit down and spell it all out. So he understands that he has demonstrated a completely unacceptable response.You cannot let this rest. He has to be held accountable for what he has done. If you do not take a strong line now things will only get worse. He needs to recognise the gravity of his unacceptable behaviour. That unless he takes action to address his behaviour then he may lose you. And mean it. Living with a physically abusive partner will just become a cycle of despair. Unless he addresses his behaviour. He has to get help and he needs that help now. Do not stick around to be his punching bag if he refuses to get help.Just an apology, only an apology, is not enough
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A
female
reader, GabbyM  +, writes (14 January 2013):
not at all how old are you? leave as soon as possiable. these are red flags that your relationship is not healthy. no matter how, much he begs it just part of a manipulation and mind game. detatch yourself from someone like that and if you are married, or with children more so don't make light of it.
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