A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 26. We live together and most of the time we get along very well. However, my boyfriend is extremely touchy and if I say the "wrong" thing to him he gets very angry very fast. For example: Today my boyfriend and I went to the beach. After being there for a while I asked him if he would go in the water with me. He said sternly, "no, I want to go only right before we leave". I asked him again a few minutes later and said it would be fun and he actually got very angry with me. He then screamed at me to stop nagging him. I asked him why he was so angry and he jumped up, started grabbing his things and told me he was leaving. He also told me to "shut my fat mouth" several times. I do admit that I had a couple drinks, so I kept asking him why he was doing this and I blurted out that I wanted to break up with him because he is mean to me. He then threw my apartment keys on the ground in front of everyone so hard that the top part broke off. He then literally RAN away so I couldn't follow him. I was very embarrassed because this was in front of many people. I was then locked out of my building because you can only open the doors with a sensor from the keys and that's the part that broke off. I had to wait for someone to open the apartment building door for me.Now it has been over two hours and my boyfriend is no where to be found. He left his phone, wallet, and ID in my purse so there is no way to get a hold of him and I don't think he can do too much without any of those things. I really don't know what to do and this is not the first time something like this has happened. I've come to find that my boyfriend is usually so nice, but I have to constantly walk on eggshells or he just loses it. He blames me for "annoying" him and he says that I'm the only person who makes him that mad. I'm wondering if this really is my fault or normal in any way. I don't feel that it is, but he won't ever talk about anything. I wonder if I maybe push him too far (I want to keep talking about something and he tells me to stop because he's getting frustrated). I feel like maybe I should know this by now and just leave him alone when he gets tense. What makes it worse is that I moved very far away from my family and friends to live with him so I don't even have anyone to talk to and I can't just "leave". I feel very sad right now and I don't know what to do when he comes home. I'm not sure if he even will come home and I have no way to contact him. I just want to talk to calmly talk to him about what happened and tell him that I love him and don't want to fight. He will probably refuse to talk to me like he usually does or just leave again if I try to say anything, even apologize. I do realize that I shouldn't have threatened to break up with him, but I'm sick of his outbursts and silents treatments. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (21 July 2013):
 Usually I'd make a lot of effort to write out a longer reply and put some really heartfelt advice into every word. But this'll be short.
He's a prick. He uses anger as a weapon to control you, and to get the reactions out of you that he wants. He's learned that in his life, his explosive temper can be used as a tool to get what he wants and the reactions out of people that he desires. He would rather be feared than loved.
You really don't want to be with a man like this.
In even shorter terms: DTMFA.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2013):
 Your boyfriend will never change. An explosive, hair-trigger, rage fest is something that's cultivated and nurtured all the way to adulthood. The more you spend time together, especially if you marry him, the worse and more escalated it gets.
In his case, he uses it to control you. You say you walk on eggshells even before today's argument? It's time to stop thinking that that will change. He does it because it's in his nature. It's part of the fabric of his inner core personality. It's not enough to be nice as pie 75 percent of the time, only to explode the other 25 percent and become emotionally and verbally abusive.
You wanting to apologize and make amends and patch things up is precisely the weakness he exploits in you to get his way. You have the right to talk out things with someone you love. You have the right for there to be a give and take without someone flipping out on you and becoming mean.
The silent treatment is the cruelest of emotional abuse. For him to get mean to you, abandon you, and then shut you out and deploy a silent treatment until you cave in and give him his way, only for him to warm up after he's emotionally bludgeoned you into a crying mess...that is not healthy.
No, you need to break up with him. And you need to tell him why. Tell him that you are done with being treated that way, and that in the past you've tried to fix things, apologize, and avoid making him mad. However, this is the end, and you realize that a man who treats you like this with the outbursts, breaking property, abandonment, silent treatment, screaming, cutting you off, and name calling is something you cannot have in your life.
Then give him his wallet and ID and wish him well in life. Better yet, have someone with you and tell him to pack up and hit the road.
You are destroying your life by being with him. He will reduce you to nothing. All of your dreams, desires, your needs, your path in life will be callously destroyed by him. you will soon exist simply to make sure his feathers aren't ruffled. He could blow up on you if you so much as eat wrong. You can never "do enough" to appease him.
Call your family and friends and arrange to move back with them. Your parents will accept you back, and your friends will probably throw a party because you're escaping this horrible person.
This is a lesson -- never move away from your support system for a guy. Never ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. He ended up coming home and then he picked a fight with me again when I tried to apologize. He screamed that he doesn't love me and that he wants to break up and that he's been trying to get rid of me. (Just yesterday he was showering me with compliments and affection). He screamed in a rage that I remind him of why he doesn't want to be with anyone and that's why he hates me. He told me if I say one word he's leaving. I tried to hold it in, but I started crying and he then left in a rage because of it. He told me I won't see him again for a while.
He also said if I call him even once while he's gone he'll turn off his phone. He has no place to stay overnight that I know of. I don't know who he's with or what he's doing and I'm worried sick, but I'm going to leave him alone now. I've suspected for quite some time now that he has some mental health issues and since he won't acknowledge it I don't think it will get any better.
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A
female
reader, GenieMil +, writes (21 July 2013):
Honestly, RUN, Run fast and never look back. He is a ticking time bomb, volcano waiting to erupt. Your relationship will evolve from the verbal and emotional abuse you are experiencing now to physical abuse, even DEATH!!!!!!! Imagine what he will do to your kids with him. He needs help! He sounds like a controlling jerk. He has already isolated you by moving you are from your supports of family and friends. Do this before it is too late and your life slips away from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): i think you should break up with him.
Its no longer healthy for you and him to stay together.
why? because it cause you stress, A LOT.
Do you want to live a stressful life?
I'm sure you don't.
Just give him his things and kiss him goodbye.
Both of you need some time off, a Holiday without each other.
BTW, You also need to try to change how you say things to him, if he says he can't stand your nagging then I think you really do Nag in a bad way.
I'm just reminding you, that sometimes we see other people's mistake without seeing our own.
Maybe you nag too much, that it annoys him and makes him scream and out of control.
that's what you need to work on. Change gear from a nagger to a classy girl.
But just the same he doesn't have the right to scream at you or hurt you.
It's not an excuse for him to act this way to you.
I am saying it, just so you know. nothing's more attractive than a woman who knows how to handle pressure or tough situation in a classy way.
Nagging is A no no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): The convenient thing about boyfriends vs. husbands, iS that you can get rid of them easier. You don't have to hire a lawyer and all you have to say is: "It's over!"
His temper is far too great for you to handle it. In fact, no one has to handle anyone's temper tantrums. It is now becoming a public display; and it will at some he'll become physically violent. I'd say you better end it now.
Don't talk about how sweet he is. No one is an A-hole 100% of the time. However; he doesn't express anger, he expresses "rage." The difference is by degree. He reacts violently. (i.e. he yells and throws things. He runs away and is gone for hours.)
You've got a nutcase on your hands! You'd better get out of there before he lays a hand on you, or hurts you by throwing things around. LEAVE!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 July 2013):
 Great "boyfriend" you have there. Have you considered dumping him??? "Sounds" like a good move to make about now.
Good luck....
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