A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I decided recently to end my 4 year relationship with my boyfriend. I am 22 years old and he is 29. I felt that he had a bad habit of inconsideration and selfishness in my eyes. On the occasions over the years when I came to him and expressed when my feelings were hurt, my feelings were always disregarded because I was "too emotional, too sensitive, or seemed like I was on my period". He is a very practical, methodical, organized, and pragmatic person. I'm a very artistic, ambitious, giving, and a naturally emotional person. I felt we were attracted to each other's different personalities. He balanced me out well and I felt I was able to expose him to things that he hadn't experienced before since he felt he’s always been a bit of a loner (these are in his words, not mine). I am used to expressing my love and gratitude through emotion and appreciation. The little but thoughtful things counted the most to me. He had a few times he was that way and I felt it was starting to have a positive effect on him, but after some time of me doing all these special things and not getting much in return, I started to feel very much taken advantage of.Even things like anniversaries or holidays weren't really important to him. I always wanted to do something thoughtful, not even expensive or crazy, just thoughtful and special. I think for about every single anniversary I was accused of being "too extravagant" whereas he wanted to go to dinner and see a show (we live in Las Vegas) every year. I'm all up for going to dinners and shows on occasion, but not for every anniversary. He said to me that I "made him" move out of his parent's house and he held a lot of resentment towards me for it even though I felt that because we were already together for a year and a half, I wanted to take it further or break my ties.And although I would always try my best to make all of his California paintball tournaments (within feasibility of being able to request vacation from work) he says that he doesn’t feel it’s “important for to be there physically to feel supported” and that he is not like me.Over these few months, things got to the point where it wasn't only me noticing his inconsideration and selfishness. It happened during May when I was holding my breast cancer team's fundraiser potluck and I had to beg him to please go with me for support in running it and just enjoying the free food, drinks, live drumming, and dancing. Even though he came with me in the car, he didn't come out of the car because he needed to read a chapter for his homework. I accepted and let him know that I'll be inside and to come in when he's ready. 30 minutes later, he was gone with my car and didn't bother to check in with me or his sister to make sure I got home okay or to tell me he was leaving. He apologized after but said that "I forced him to go". I begged yes... but I was nervous about all of these things I put together for the first time and I just wanted support. He didn't understand and said that I should understand that he really didn't want to go.It happened just this past 4th of July when all our friends (4 couples) all were with us on the top of a hill watching the fireworks on the strip and at the end, all the couples were helping each other down this steep hill and he was the only person who left his partner and ran down the hill by himself. After my shock, he expected me to help myself because he thought I was an "independent woman".It happened this past month where I entered my belly dance competition and had such a strong feeling my troupe and I were going to win, but he didn't want to stay to see the results because he felt he had been there long enough. Low and behold, we won. I cried out of happiness and pride in myself and my troupe, but also out of sadness that the one person I loved didn't want to be there.I knew then that this wasn't going to work. So I broke it off and he still says that he tried compromising with me and I was never happy. He did try a few times, I'll give him that, and then all these bad habits seeped out in between them so how believable could those few compromises be anymore? His own sister even tried to sit there and tell me that unfortunately relationships take a lot of work and that’s how it is. Really? More or less, after all of this, I now feel emotionally exhausted, slightly numbed to it all, and the need to find my center again. I am accepting of the fact that I am partially responsible for letting much of these things prolong. I know this is more than likely much better for me, does anyone have advice on how to cope?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your feedback everyone. I agree. In no way have I ever thought he was a "bad" person, but just very different from me. I vent right now because I'm grieving but I do also partially take responsibility for not realizing this earlier, thus allowing myself to feel hurt by not being wiser about it.
I do recall him saying though that he felt he did try to compromise with me. Miamine, I think you nailed it on the head saying "you tried your best, and so did he in his own way". I've realized that now and I think we were just on two different levels of thinking and that those adjustments that we both tried so hard to make weren't what each of us truly wanted or needed.
I truly though from the bottom of my heart wish him nothing but the best of happiness, love, and health in his life. He helped me grow into who I am today and even though we didn't work out, I hoped that I may have opened his eyes to new possibilities and views in life for himself.
I do feel like I've learned a lot though through this. Thank you everyone. I feel the positive and real energy and I appreciate it. Much peace and love to you all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): I agree with the other posters...this guy is 29 years old and basically what you see is what you get. It's highly unlikely that your bf is going to change per say. He might make compensate here or there, but that's about it.
To be honest, you were too "nice" to him and what I mean by that is this: you did way to much for this guy---you gave when he didn't give, you loved when he didn't love you enough, you cared when he didn't care enough, you tried to make the relationship work while he stood by with his hands and legs crossed, you were serious and he wasn't. This is what happens to anyone..man or woman who care more about the relationship than the other person they are involved with. If people don't want to do what it takes to have a successful relationship then stay out of them..don't date, don't commit, don't get others involved in this twisted cycle of not being emotionally and mentally available for nobody deserves to be treated that way. If your bf isnt going to give just as much as you are giving to make this relationship a successful on, he need not be in it as far as I am concerned.
The feelings you are exp. right now...feelings of being drained, feelings of being hurt, feeling like you wasted you time...all those feelings are normal--you will feel that way after dealing with a person who is full of drama and emotionally unavailable. These types of people will drain the living life out of you because, once again it's YOU who is putting in all the "work" and time in assuring the relationship is a successful one. Your bf's sister was right...anything worth having is worth fighting for and in many cases, what you put into something is what you get out of it...in relationship terms, if you are the only person putting in all the effort, if you are the only one taking the relationship seriously, then you can't expect to get much out of it because, it take the effort the TWO PEOPLE involved to make it work.
I think you did the right thing and please, don't allow this guy to use your life a revolving door...meaning he comes and goes as he pleases. He had four long years to do right by you, four long years to prove to you that he was just as serious about the relationship as you were and he failed to do so. Yeah, he may have made improvements here or there, but those weren't improvements that would benefical overall in assuring success in the relationship. It was probably more so "well let me do these things so she can't stop nagging me." Hey's it's his lost....the next woman might not be so forgiving and understanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): "The way he treated you, he's not mature or responsible enough to be your equal. He also tried to make you feel guilty when you were the only one who obviously really tried."
I really don't believe that's a fair comment at all, given that we don't have the other side of the story. However its a good bet that if you broke up a four year relationship (not exactly easy to do), that you guys weren't compatible, or maybe you were at the start and then gradually became incompatible.
I will say this tho... if after 4 years this was your highlight reel of what he did to make you decide to break up with him then consider yourself very lucky. He doesn't strike me as a bad guy whatsoever, you both just seem to have different priorities and different ways of showing affection and support to each other in my opinion.
Fact is that relationships take alot of work... that's just how it is. Some couples argue and make up, some ignore problems and suppress them til they do something stupid like have an affair, either way, problems need to be worked out to maintain a serious, long-term relationship... they take work, patience and compromise... Period. (granted some more than others).
Best of luck :)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 August 2010):
Being a bit like your now ex boyfriend, I can see where this went wrong. I'm also one of those people who doesn't really care about anniversaries and "being there for support" all the time. I consider a lot of things to be trivial though I have learned through the years that nothing is trivial and that to some people (like you) the smallest gestures mean the most. I think youf ex bf is still at the stage where he honestly doesn't realise how different someone else's needs can be. And maybe he just doesn't want to.
And I think you realised too late that he wasn't going to change for you. People rarely change. Especially not after the personality has formed.
Sure, there's giving and taking in relationships and I believe in adjusting yourself. But you two are so different adjustments alone is miles away from being at harmony.
You learned from this and he probably did as well, so try to look at it positively. You might be more wise next time, in choosing your partner and realizing when it works and when it doesn't. Also, you're single now. You're free to do what you want without having to think of someone else. Why not get a taste of that new freedom? Go dance and do all those things you didn't get to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): The way he treated you, he's not mature or responsible enough to be your equal. He also tried to make you feel guilty when you were the only one who obviously really tried.
Exercise, listen to music and hang out with people as often as possible. That will not only help you cope emotionally and mentally, but will guide your feelings toward future relationships. Your mind will be able to think alot better, and you said it perfect that you need to find your center once again. Find time now for just yourself. Don't hesitate, because you need that to open doors of opportunity, and to give you the break you need before you welcome another man in your life.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 August 2010):
 How to cope.?. keep up the dancing.. lol.. that's important.. and keep being yourself, you seem like a lovely lady, but the man was wrong for you.. independant woman you are right now.. work on yourself, have fun and learn.. the right man will come along when you least expect it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
Hi babes, this is the space to vent and say your peice.. your writing is controlled, your words specially picked, I know their is a lot more hurt and emotion that your allowing to show here..
Yes babes, it can't work.. you have told us all the reasons, but you have also told yourself the truth.. this has been building and building for a long time, and instead of being someone who made you feel complete, he became your enemy, a heavy weight, someone who could no longer bring positive things to your life.
You know he's not a bad guy, and your not a bad woman, but together, you just couldn't work... You couldn't reach the best of him and he made you feel trapped, unappreciated and resentfull..
Please, please, pleade, do not discount the good times you had, this will help you in your next relationship.. You tried your best, and so did he in his own way.. you are very wise to write this letter, to get your emotions, your thoughts and your memories onto paper so you can walk away, with no regrets, no sorrow, but accepting it for what it is... he's not the right person, he's not your soulmate.. you tried, he tried, your different people, and if you stay together you will bring out the worst in each other..
I wish you good luck (and him too) I wish you sucess, joy, happiness and health.. you did the right thing.. now move on boldy, the right guy is out their waiting for you, and you have learnt so much from your relationship, that you are becoming the perfect woman for him..
So sorry my dear, this guy was what you needed, but he's not the right one, he's a friend that has helped you on your journey... rejoice at knowing him, being with him.. and rejoice and dance harder and faster now that you are free to find true love..
My blessings and good wishes go with you.. I wish you pure health, joy and happiness.
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