A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My wife is bipolar. She is also pregnant, so she isnt taking her meds. I knew this would be hard, but she is really starting to get to me. I love her, but Im getting really tired of the fights.... that more often than not, seem to be about stupid stuff. I just cant seem to do anything right, or say anything right. I just dont know what to do to make her happy, and stay happy. We have really good times, but the next argument is always right around the corner, and I find myself waiting for it, and dreading it. Im scared. Any help and advice is appreciated. Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
 The first thing you need to do is get her to the psychiatrist. Anyone that is bipolar and pregnant is at a high risk during pregnancy, especially if they are bipolar 1. I am not trying to be an alarmist here, but suicidal thoughts and attempts are more likely during pregnancy than at any other time. I am bipolar 1, had several manic episodes during my 2nd trimester because of the hormones at that time, and was unmedicated my entire pregnancy. It was at the beginning of my 2nd trimester that all reason flew out the window and I truly believed a conspiracy was in place against my baby and me- I felt very alone, paranoid, and I was on survival mode. Unmedicated bipolar people are extremely compulsive and focused and your wife probably has delusional thoughts she gets fixated on. She may vacillate between feelings of persecution and helplessness.
There are many things that can trigger an episode and the first one that comes to mind is sleep. A routine sleep cycle and adequate sleep is a must! If she isn’t sleeping well then her doctor can prescribe her a temporary sedative that won’t harm the baby to prevent a relapse. It’s very important that she pays close attention to her sleep and reports any disturbances to her doctor. Any pregnant woman knows that sleep can be a major issue during pregnancy but it’s critical a pregnant, bipolar person doesn’t go without it.
The other thing is diet- bipolar people need a diet high in Omega-3’s in order to stay balanced so you should discuss this with her primary doctor- what foods that are high in Omega-3’s that will be best for both your wife and baby. Also ask your doctor about supplements like Lecithin and Fish Oil, which can work wonders for bipolar people and in some cases, replace the need for medication. Most bipolar meds are NOT safe for the baby except for maybe Lithium, which is a trace element, but her blood levels will need to be monitored frequently if she goes this route. That’s something she can discuss with the psychiatrist.
I would encourage your wife to keep a mood diary to write out her thoughts- not only will this help her but also it will help the psychiatrist know if she is at risk for an episode. He may even refer her to a therapist if there is a particular delusional theme she focuses on and the therapist can work through these thoughts with her and be there for her to call during the day if she needs it. The mood diary will help everyone keep track of cycles and prepare for them in advance. I didn’t do this and wish I had.
Every day is probably a struggle for your wife. It is impossible to fully convey what probably goes on in her mind because it wouldn’t make any sense to you, even though it’s very real to her. She is most likely highly sensitive to any perceived change in your body language, tone of voice, eye contact and may read into every statement you make looking for something that justifies how she feels. It’s very important to not defend yourself or fight back and instead listen and empathize or you will quickly become the enemy. Encourage her to write down what she feels so she can show the psychiatrist and don’t invalidate her feelings. You want to be on alert for any magical thinking or conspiracy talk because this means she is experiencing an episode that is so real, you may push her over the edge if you don’t fight fair or if you lash out in anger. It’s best just to let her know you are on her side and listen without getting defensive.
I had many arguments with my son’s father while I was pregnant and kicked him out several times- once because he took leftovers to work, he was just trying to save money- I was hungry and opened the fridge to find the pasta had been tampered with and I was convinced he was trying to starve me and the baby. I paced in terror all day and had worked myself into a fury by the time he got home. Another time I noticed the air in one of my tires was all the sudden low and I thought he saw it and that the reason he didn’t do anything was that he wanted me and the baby to die in an accident. I even called my parents in hysterics claiming he would eventually murder me. I accused him of horrible, horrible things because my thoughts would sometimes get so dark. I also spent a lot of time in the kitchen guarding the refrigerator because I became very territorial over food- I felt very threatened when he ate and would often cry if I caught him opening the fridge. I felt extremely helpless and out of control when he would eat because I believed it was robbing me of the nutrients our baby needed. It would have helped had a I had someone objective to talk to during the day when these thoughts would build and take a life of their own.
He was extremely patient and forgiving and that’s how we got through it. By the third trimester I was balanced, happy, and trusting again.
If you and your wife are just having the same recurring arguments without it escalating, that’s probably a good sign. One thing that may be happening is that she’s allowed to build up an emotion all day and that emotion spirals out of proportion- don’t take it personally- maybe you can find a therapist who will take her calls during the day. This is all temporary until she has the baby or may even go away in her 3rd trimester. Another thing you want to discuss with the doctor is the possibility that she will have postpartum depression- very common in women with bipolar. I know this sounds like a lot but the better prepared everyone is, the more that preventative measures can be taken. Take care and pm me if you need to.
A
female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 you need to see your doctor for proper advice. there are probably things you can both do to help the situation. and just keep focusing on the fact that this is a short term problem.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
 You need to get her to speak with her doctor, i am sure there is something that she could take to help ease her moods, if she is refusing her usual medication for fear of damaging the baby that is very understandable but she cannot just stop taking them and not replace them with something else.
Make her an appointment and go with her and both of you talk this over with the doctor, i am pretty sure she will get help for this even in this condition.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): Remember that you are doing things right, even if she fights with you. It's because she is off her medication like you said. I am sure she knows well whats going on, if she's been open enough with you to tell you she is bipolar, and that she's been at the doctors and gotten medication also shows she takes responsibility and she cares enough about you to take the medication when she's not pregnant.
Are there some sort of therapy sessions she can go to to rant, so that she can try to empty herself of these bad feelings before she meets with you later in the day? Perhaps she can do some activity that enables her to drain herself of this negative energy? I am really no expert, I only know how bad it can be to be on the receiving end of this, like you are going through now.
Last instance suggestion could be you take some days away from her every now and then, not to escape her, but to recharge yourself so you wont be completely drained out. For example spend a night at a friends house, or your parents or something. Or have a day of activities for only you.
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