A
female
age
41-50,
*olaughter
writes:I've been married to my husband for roughly three years now and I'm starting to reach the conclusion that I probably never should have gotten married. I had small doubts from the get-go when I told him yes, but I managed to convince myself that I wasn't feeling them. I love my husband, he is a good man, but things have happened in his life that have made him a different person from the man I initially married. My problem is that my husband hasn't been happy for a long time, and it's a very draining thing to be married to someone who is never happy. The things making him unhappy are out of his control, so I feel guilty for feeling this way in turn when there's nothing he can do about it. Guilty or not, I'm left with the same feelings of emptiness.The things that we initially loved to do together, we just don't do anymore, and our day-to-day lives consist of working, going home and watching tv together day after day after day. I've tried initiating some activities together, but they're either met by reluctance or ambivalence. On top of this, I'm finding myself falling for a coworker of mine. I've known this coworker for maybe a year and a half, and we just sort of hit it off after first meeting and chatted very often afterward. Lately we've been having lunch together every few weeks. This coworker is a bit older than me, married as well and also has children, but he's eluded to problems with the marriage occasionally, bringing up fights and things that bother him about his wife, etc. We only talk and go to lunch together and I'm not even sure if he has any feelings for me beyond friendship, but the feelings are definitely there on my side. The funny thing is that I know my feelings for this coworker aren't any sort of far-fetched romantic feelings of him being "perfect" for me or "the guy I've been waiting for" or any of that stuff. I'm intensely attracted to him on an intellectual level, and just as intensely attracted to him on a physical level. I don't think there's anything more there than a very strong mental and physical connection and whatever sort of sorcery causes people to click with one-another, but all the same I cannot stop thinking about him. I find myself unable to physically be with my husband anymore, without the coworker being in the back of my mind.Being that this coworker is married and has children, I would never want to jeopardize his family if he is happy with his life. If I ever found out that him and his wife were divorcing though, I know I would probably cheat on my husband if said coworker confessed to any romantic feelings for me, as much as I hate to admit it.I'm just feeling so empty and unfulfilled in my relationship with my husband, that even these feelings of crushing on my coworker are kind of exciting and wonderful to be feeling. At least I'm feeling something for a change, even if these feelings are for the completely wrong person and for the completely wrong reason.Another problem that I have is I know that a great deal of what I find sexually exciting, is the initial feelings of newness and discovery that one gets in a new relationship. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to fix that and change the things that turn me on. When I was younger I said that I wasn't the marrying sort and wouldn't ever get married, I should have gone with my gut instinct and listened to my younger self.As you can see, I've got a boatload of problems and I just don't know what I should do. Any input, even if it's just to tell me that I'm a frickin' idiot would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (25 November 2009):
I can identify with you on being with an unhappy mate. My ex was constantly depressed too. It does become draining. The answer probably isn't this crush. You indicated you were more excited by the "new" factor than the guy. Would it be fair to jeopardize his marriage when you are only interested in a physical rush? I am not trying to judge you. If I were you, I would try to explore what is missing inside YOU that makes this all (the guy at work) seem so intoxicating. There's sometimes an answer when you really look inside yourself. Something is missing IN YOU. I know cause I've been there and I've done that. If your spouse is unwilling to understand and try to help himself, he's not going to change. Can you take care of yourself without him? If so maybe you should go. Go back to school, do something with your time that will help you fulfill yourself. If you're not in love, it's not fair to pretend.
A
female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (25 November 2009):
I can identify with you on being with an unhappy mate. My ex was constantly depressed too. It does become draining. The answer probably isn't this crush. You indicated you were more excited by the "new" factor than the guy. Would it be fair to jeopardize his marriage when you are only interested in a physical rush? I am not trying to judge you. If I were you, I would try to explore what is missing inside YOU that makes this all (the guy at work) seem so intoxicating. There's sometimes an answer when you really look inside yourself. Something is missing IN YOU. I know cause I've been there and I've done that. If your spouse is unwilling to understand and try to help himself, he's not going to change. Can you take care of yourself without him? If so maybe you should go. Go back to school, do something with your time that will help you fulfill yourself. If you're not in love, it's not fair to pretend.
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