A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping someone could give me some advice about this, as I’m really confused and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or not…My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 3 years, and although we have had some disagreements in our time (we are very different people so clash sometimes), for the most part things have gone well. This latest problem between us revolves around an incident that happened about a month ago and it has lead to a complete stalemate between us. Any advice would be really appreciated.Basically, he was driving in town and he was pulled over by the police for going through a no-entry sign. In his defence it was a temporary sign which is only illuminated after 10pm (the road is full of student pubs so I would imagine it is put there at night for their safety), but either way he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have. However, he is completely refusing to accept any responsibility or wrongdoing in this situation. He says all he did was drive along a road he always drives down (during the day normally, when the sign isn’t there) and it’s all the fault of the ‘money grabbing’ police, who are idiots out to rob the hard working public. Anyway, he contested the fine/points, lost the case (and therefore had to pay double the fine) and was told to send in his counterpart license to have the points added. He couldn’t find the counterpart license so he didn’t send it, meaning he has now temporarily lost his license until he buys a replacement counterpart and sends it to them.For the last 3 weeks, he has done nothing but moan about this, saying he has been treated badly and he is going to make a formal complaint etc etc. It has been causing a lot of arguments between us, ultimately because I believe the grown up way to react to this would be to take responsibility for what happened and put it down to experience; while he will not admit he was in the wrong in any way. When I point out that he did in fact break the law (whether he meant to or not), he says he doesn’t understand why the sign was there and he can't see how going through it is harming anyone either so the police had no right to fine him. I seriously can't get my head around his 'it's never my fault' mentality.I feel this sounds silly even as I write it, but this whole thing has made me question whether he is the type of person I want to be with. I am certainly not saying I am an angel, but I generally live within the law as I have been brought up that way and I believe it is easier and less stressful to do so. I have also accepted responsibility on the few occasions I have been caught breaking the law (parking fines) as, although inconvenient, it is ultimately my fault. The thing that bothers me the most is not the crime, but the fact he will not accept any responsibility – it is all everyone else’s fault. It seems really immature to me (he is 25), and it makes me question how our future would be if this is his attitude. He thinks I am being unsupportive, a ‘goody-two-shoes’ (his words) and completely overreacting.Am I? I can’t decide whether I am overthinking this or whether our different opinions regarding the law mean we are really not compatible? (Btw this is not our only ‘law-based’ difference of opinion, as we have also argued about his brother who is both working and receiving benefits. My bf sees no problem with this whereas I HATE benefits cheats. Our moral views are clearly very different). Do you think this is worth making a big deal over?
View related questions:
immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 The stubborness he displayed towards that entire wrong way driving situation is unbelieveable. He did break the law, whether he thinks the law is correct or not, he broke it and should be able to admit to it. Instead he throws a fit and makes it worse on himself rather than just pay the fine and be done with it. He cannot move on from it, that's what I am not understanding. A normal person can take a bad situation and accept that it happened then move on, but 3 weeks later and he is still bitching about driving through a no entry and getting a ticket. That seems to be more of a problem to me than just not accepting fault. He is completely immature. Like a child who didn't get their way and won't let it go. The immaturity and difference in morals are what should make you rethink this relationship. Tell him to grow up and accept that he won't get his way all the time, especially when what he did was WRONG. As you said, people get parking tickets all the time, it isn't pleasant but we get past it. It's what an adult does.
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I doubt this is the first time he has exhibited this lack of responsibility for his actions, and it wont be the last.
This type of behavior usually follows a pattern of entitlement. There's no responsibility or accountability when you feel like everything is owed to you.
You also see this type of behavior a lot with people who break the law. That's why there are so many repeat offenders, they've never owned up to their wrong doing and taken responsibility.
I don't think you're over reacting at all. It is very difficult to live with someone who cant take any personal responsibility for their wrong doing. It's learned behavior, and it isn't something he is likely to grow out of. In fact, you'll probably start noticing it more as he gets older.
If you're not on the same page when it comes to the basic issues of right and wrong, then your relationship isn't gong to thrive.
...............................
|
