A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here is my dilemma. I have just signed a year’s lease for apartment to rent with my boyfriend. We have been together 4 years, however had one years break, getting back together 4 months ago. We had a years break for a range of reasons, but mainly because I didn’t feel our relationship was going anywhere, we still lived apart and our communication was lacking. After a year apart we decided to give our relationship another go after we both felt we had made changes and grown in ourselves. It is ironic that moving in together and taking our relationship to the next level is really what I wanted from him before we broke up, however now I do feel really worried about us moving in together. Firstly, since getting back together, our sex life has not been the same, I am never in the mood for sex, and just don’t seem to find him physically attractive (which could be due to a guy I saw during our years break, and experiencing with him chemistry I had never before experienced). Secondly, there is a man whom I do not know very well at all, however he works with me. The first day I saw him two years ago, he sent shivers down my spine I found him that attractive. Nothing has ever happened, and he has been nothing more than a beautiful person I observe from afar. Yesterday I was told that he finds me very attractive. Hearing this sent shivers down my spine all over again, and I just can’t stop thinking about him. He was told I had a boyfriend after saying this. My point is, that I felt gutted that I was seeing my boyfriend when I heard this. Shouldn’t I be feeling flattered, and then grateful that I am with a guy who cares so much for me already?My boyfriend really does love me, and he does lots to make me happy, goes shopping with me all the time, messages me all the time, is moving in with me next month, however I always pick things out that almost convince me we are not right for each other, For example, we have different interests, and like different food, don’t spend time with each others friends. I am a really romantic person, and I am wondering if I just have too high expectations on what I want in a relationship?, whether I am a commitment phobic? Or are we simply not right for each other? I really need some advise. Please help me. XX
View related questions:
broke up, in the mood, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): The answer is in the first part of your question.
Yes, you are really not right for each other (maybe not yet, but I think you will never be). You felt already years ago when you broke up...because it wasn't going anywhere and still it isn't and I think honestly it never will.
You broke up for different reasons and in the meantime you experienced a feeling that you never had and also never might have with him.
Be happy that you experienced this feeling because many people never did (so they are also not missing this feeling).
Second part of your question,'do I have too high expectations'. NO, you don't, especially when you talk about the basic expectations.
Come on, if you commit for the future, your expectations of life should be high and you should have about the same expections as your partner (for a succesful relation).
My view is based on learning by doing and trial and error.
The result is:
For the basic things, your expectations are not so quickly to high:
*Same expectations of life (children, living-standard etc)
*Excellent love/sex-life (both happy)
*Harmony
*mutual respect
*able to fight and at the same time already repairing
*possitive minded person
*bit same level of thinking
*mutual friends (both should go along with each others friends)
*cooking,dancing,sleeping together
I also wanted to be able to horse-ride, ski, iceskate, sail, etc etc (shopping was not on my list:):)
But I learned that it's almost impossible to find everyting in 1 person.
I think that with your partner you must have harmony, an excellent sexlife, dance, eat and sleep together and other things you can do with a friend if he doesn't like to go shopping or anything else.
I think that you first of all should find out for yourself what you expect of a relation and then it will be more easy to find someone of who you can say: 'we are really the perfect couple'.
I hope that my answer shows you a direction how to look at this very very import subject: 'The Perfect Partner Exists'
Good luck and I wish you wishdom
|
