A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf broke up with me and the main reasons were that I get insecure because I've been cheated on in the past, I understand its not good and fair to treat him that way because of my ex bfs' doing and I was trying to work on that.. But now he says he can't take it anymore and he had been saying that I need to lose weight I'm 5'5 135lbs(he didn't breakup with me for this) ...he said we are over now but he said if I change the way I think to be more positive like about being insecure, lose some weight that he might start over with me in 4 months when he is back from school in another state...only if we are both single at that time, he said he's not going to purposely meet other girls but if it happens it happens and vice versa for me...he says he most likely wouldn't meet someone since he's going to be studying all the time because finishing school is his first priority right now. He promises to contact me in 4mo whatever the situation....but I'm not sure if he really means it..I really love and want to be with him...I just need some point of views or any advice about this situation...does it sound ridiculous? or is it really possible? I'm not only losing weight for him I've wanted to do this for myself too..but I know a lot of people like to say u should find a guy that loves u for u but that is to a point if u are unhealthy that then u should lose weight...I know I'm not an unhealthy weight just not physically fit...sorry for babbling on...I just need some opinions/advice
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broke up, insecure, lose weight, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maofone +, writes (21 August 2010):
dnt loose weight for nobody. your height and weight together are normal. you're far from being obese. im 5'2 and 137 lbs and it looks so good on me. dnt let a man determine your self worth. you are better than that. i know you love him and its gonna take some healing but you gotta get your life back. never make man your priority when your only his option
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I can understand how insecurity can make a relationship strained. It is understandable that you may feel insecure after what has happened in the past, but it must also be difficult for your boyfriend too if you struggle to trust him. As for losing weight, I agree that you are a healthy weight, perfectly fine as you are. If you want to get fitter, that is fine. It is your body, and if it will make you feel better about yourself then that is okay.
But regarding your boyfriend...okay, what I am hearing is that he is going to wait four months and then contact you. And when he does, he expects to see a completely different person. He has made some very clear points about what he expects and how he wants you to be different. I actually felt quite angry with him when I read that! If he does not accept you as you are now, and he is hoping to see a big change in four months, I don't see why he doesn't just find somebody else. He will have what he wants - a brand new person, and you will be free from his insulting comments.
I can understand if the insecurity problem is getting to him. But if you are together, then it is for the both of you to work on those things. For him to just take off and tell you to sort yourself out, and oh, by the way, lose some weight while you are at it...and then MAYBE he'll consider giving things another go...that is not very caring to me. It is actually quite cruel for him to just take off like that. And to say that he "most likely won't meet someone"? But it's a possibility? Is that what he means? Again, these things suggest to me that he is not that interested in being serious about your relationship.
I think he is very much in control of the situation here. He seems to think he is free to do what he wants, and to possibly meet someone else if they appear. And in the meantime, you are to live in uncertainty, and have to try and transform yourself into the person he wants to see in four months time.
I think you would actually be better off without this guy. But it may not seem that way. You might feel like you need him, because I get the sense that your confidence is low. Do what YOU want to do. IF you want to lose weight or become fitter, then do it, but do it for you and not for him or anyone else. As for your insecurity, as long as he is being like this I don't see how he expects you to feel better in that respect, and to feel more secure in the relationship. How can you? It isn't possible. It takes both people to make a relationship work, and right now it sounds like he is blaming every problem on you. That is not right. If he is not happy with you as you are, and is not willing to work WITH you to make the relationship better, then I honestly think you can do better than this. But you have to start believing in yourself first. Take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): If you've only been together for 4 months then cut your losses and move on. I imagine it's your insecurity which has put him off. And if he's already been put off after only 4 months then I don't think it's worth trying to chase him any further. Just learn from it and move on.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 August 2010):
Thanks for the follow up.
Hmm, strange he would notice it now if he didn´t before. Another sign he has fallen out of love with you. That´s when things we were blind to suddenly start to become noticeable.
I really think that he´s giving you false hope. I honestly don´t think you two have a good chance of working things out. Also, what would it say of your self respect if you do everything he says to get him back?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno I was the same weight when I met him 4 months ago and started dating..he just said he didn't notice it before but now he does, I guess what I really want to know is if he really does mean to consider starting over with me or is he just giving me false hope?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): You talk about your weight but you don't mention anything about his main reason for breaking up with you. Can you give us some background on this insecurity and how you have been treating your boyfriend? It sounds like this is the main issue but I think we need to know more about it to give you some advice.
That aside, just move on. Don't hang around waiting for him for four months, live your own life. Get fit but don't lose weight unless you want too as you are not overweight.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 August 2010):
The relationship sounds like a dead end to me. I would cut my losses and move on. Once you let someone make demands, he's in control. And in a relationship it's about being equal.
You're 5'5 and you weigh 135 lbs? That sounds like a healthy weight to me. Did you gain a lot after you two hooked up (as in, did you go from pencil thin to normal?) If so, that might be a reason he wants you to lose weight. I still think that's ridiculous.
That said, if you don't look 'at home' in your own skin you should do something about it. Work out with free weights, get some muscles (don't worry, the muscles will replace fat, so you won't gain weight if you do it right.) That way, you'll look streamlined and feel better. Work out in group sessions. That way, someone will push you and you don't have to rely on your own discipline; all you have to do is show up.
Try to pamper yourself a bit. Get a new haircut/dye job, buy new clothes and see what works best for your body. If you feel content, you will give that vibe and this is what attracts other people. If you feel fat, you will show this insecurity to the world, so walk up straight and try to be confident.
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A
female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (21 August 2010):
wow the boyfriend of yours is really something :)
Listen sweety insecurity is such a turn off and people do break up because of that specific reason, however when someone wants to break up and end a story he doesn't lead the other person on by planting a fake promise in his head and stating conditions.
Plz forget about him , cause he doesn't love you for who you are , he's selfish . full stop
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A
male
reader, Pazush  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Hi,
his demands are very ridiculous for sure.
you shouldnt be treated as Obvious at all.
the other thing is you should lose weight for yourself and not for anyone else.
although it is your outfit that makes the first impression
which is very important.
there are milion other causes to lose weight, just do it.. you will feel much better confident about yourself.
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