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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I know it is a ridiculous question really, but I need to hear other people's perspectives.Will I ever be able to be in a healthy relationship?I have an addictive personality. It has manifested in numerous ways. I have sought professional help, but I am still myself regardless. I have had some trauma in my early and later years, but I believe this is how I was born.First it was an addiction to food in mid-childhood.Then it was addiction to control through anorexia. Then it was addiction to smoking, sex, and affection, when I discovered sex and dating, and was coming out of anorexia.Then it was addiction to exersize and rigid beliefs, such as veganism.It has been peppered occasionally with recreational drug use, and lately, alcohol, which started as a casual thing, but I worry is just becoming just another part of my pattern.I never thought I'd get to this point. I loathe the behavior of the alcoholics in my life (my step mom, my step siblings, my dad, my ex)...and now, here I am!None of my 4 serious relationships have turned out well. I loved them in the way I knew how, endeavored to persevere, and they cared for me, but I wasn't the right one for them. I guess don't feel like I've found the right one for me either, but then I wonder, will I ever, being that I have an addictive personality, and probably have a deeply ingrained need for control more than other people? I'm probably way too uptight when I attempt to live a straightforward life...I really try to overcome this. Last year, after building up enough strength and better coping habits within the few years previous, I made some major changes and was treating myself well. I almost felt like I could have met someone 'normal' and functioned fine in a relationship with them. I was barely smoking, and taking care to not think in an anorexic way. I met a boyfriend. I can not blame him for my choices, but of course as the relationship progressed, I found he was tortured by addiction, and being around him over time, I allowed it to increase my maladaptive tendencies. He was a problem drinker, amongst other things. Even though we are over, now I find I am compelled to drink when I'm upset, or bored, or feeling hopeless or lonely...Even though I know it is very wrong to do it, and I do not agree with it at all in accordance to my personal morals.It's like he topped me on non-acceptance of emotions, and couldn't accept when I was any emotion other than 'happy'. He was always nagging me to be 'happy', or to be 'free' or to be 'myself'. I was trying to be free and help myself in my own way, but the more he nagged me to change to meet his view of things...well...I feel like I was on the cusp of breaking free from myself, and I met someone who was always running from themselves, and I let that influence me so I could relate to them more when things got difficult. (Forgive my rationalization. It's how I feel it spiraled. I know it was my bad choice regardless!!!).Even if I quit drinking, smoking, or conversely, trying to control myself by being too "healthy" (which actually isn't relaxing for me at all), I fear my personality will still manifest somehow. I'm afraid to know how, though it feels that it can't get worse than with drink. I've never tried hard drugs because I knew they would have too much a hold on me. I was foolish to let my guard down with alcohol.Please, tell me, even if I overcome these habitual actions again, will I ever be ready and worthy of a good and lasting relationship, given my inborn qualities?I'm tired of being a drinking buddy, a sex buddy, a fallback for desperate people when there's no one else around to help them...I don't care how harsh or nice you are in your answer. The truth is all I want. It is the only thing that helps me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): I too have a very similar personality. I have a very strong need for control, and I seem to go trough one thing after the other. I am also currently trying to recover from anorexia. But for me, the key word is CONTROL.
I do agree that some people do simply have addictive personalities, and there is little that can be done about that. But it can be controlled, I think. Some people have bossy personalities, some have submissive personalities, some are very distant, some are stifling...and yet all of these types of people can and do form relationships.
I know this might sound like a cliche, but I think the first most important relationship to work on is with yourself. It is hard to be with someone else if you are not at peace with who you are. And from what you have said in your message, you are not. This can also make it very easy to get involved with people who will bring you back down. The wrong kind of people.
With me, I know that I have a load of deep, unresolved issues and concerns, which is why I stumble from one destructive habit to another. I wonder if this is how it is for you too? It might be worth seeking help again, giving it another shot. Yes, I know it can get tiring, I have been in some form of therapy since the age of 12. And I still feel like I haven't even scratched the surface yet! But it might be worth a try.
But I do believe that you, like everyone else, can eventually be ready for a good and lasting relationship. Everyone has issues remember, and certain troublesome inborn qualities.
I hope this helps somehow, or brings you some comfort. x
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