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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I’m just trying to respond to some of the girlfriends out there writing in about their boyfriends promising never to view pornography again, yet they break their promises and do it anyway.I’ve been married almost 35 years, have been in the relationship for almost 39 years. My 61 year old husband has promised me countless times he’d stop. He didn’t. I forgave and have forgiven him many times, but I finally, after all this time, stopped forgiving him. He says “all guys do it and it’s normal” well if all guys do it, I can’t trust any man. This has hurt me beyond belief. I’d have never hurt my husband like this. A husband should be a safe place and not cause this kind of pain. After reading many articles about this, I’ve found that “not all guys do it.” I thought we had a good sex life and a wonderful family. Find yourself a man who puts you first and not disgusting teenagers doing ungodly sexual acts. Save yourselves the pain. Unless he gets serious help now and admits he lies and can’t be trusted, has a sickness, (evidently an addiction/compulsion) please, save yourselves decades of pain. Don’t marry him until he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2022): Porn is an alternative form of entertainment, an indulgence, not a necessity. There are people who have addictive-personalities; and what is usually an occasional indulgence or novelty for some, can become a fixation, or an unhealthy insatiable-appetite for others.
Just know your partner before you commit to them, period! If unbecoming or unusual bad-habits develop after marriage; seek professional-counseling for help. If something develops out of the ordinary in a marriage; then you should seriously work together to find a way to fix it. If both parties can't work at it in a partnership, or under mutual-agreement; the best remedy is to end that relationship. A marriage requires and deserves more effort to salvage it; but an unmarried-couple doesn't have to endure unnecessary drama and conflict. Just end it!!!
If you don't like porn, if you find it disgusting; then don't match-up with someone who likes porn. If they lie to you about it, and you discover the truth; if that partner is not your spouse; then dump him, or her. If you're not married, it's as simple as that. Your feelings for that person does not justify allowing that person to mess-up your mind; and/or frustrate you to the point you become so traumatized, no future relationship will ever survive you and your baggage.
The primary purpose of porn is for masturbation. If your partner has an objection to it; and it has an emotional and/or psychological-effect that creates trouble in the relationship; then you have to make a choice. Not lie, and continue doing something that upsets your partner in a variety of ways.
There will be habits and individual pleasures that satisfy different urges and appetites for either individual in a relationship. One may like to eat, and indulge himself or herself in culinary pleasures; while the other likes to enjoy watching other people have sex, or perform sexual-acts.
These are different appetites; but either appetite demands to be satisfied. Who can decide for you what kind of desires or pleasures you should have? If you totally object, don't pretend to compromise. It will comeback to bite you eventually; if you mislead your partner into believing you can handle things they do, that you truly detest. You do not have to be with a man or woman who likes porn, if you absolutely find this kind of indulgence is against your morals and values. They don't have to stop in compliance with your demands; when you have the choice to leave the relationship, if they refuse to stop...or lie about it.
It's a test of tolerance and contentious, when these habits or pleasures get out of hand. When eating becomes overeating, causing excessive weight-gain; and masturbation becomes so habitual, it lessens desire or energy for real-sex with a partner.
Not everybody has to like porn; and any silly presumption that men need it, is unscientific, preposterous, and absolutely not true. If you can't give it up, or curb your appetite for anything; you are on the brink of addiction. When you lie, or do it in secret; when you've promised to stop, it is not the porn, it's the dishonesty and breach of trust. If you show little interest in sex with your partner, you're masturbating too much. If you gain too much weight from overeating, and become less attractive to your partner, how is that any different? I'm just using overeating hypothetically; but it's just as much of a problem for some people in a relationship. Over indulgence in anything becomes unhealthy either physically or psychologically. We can all make excuses, or seek sympathy for our choices; but that doesn't make them right.
When masturbation replaces sex in your relationship, when your partner suddenly becomes less desirable, or you develop an obsession for overly-sexualized people who resemble porn actors; your partner is justified in his or her concerns. In fact, they shouldn't have to put-up with you; if you're unwilling to be honest or to compromise. You should be gone, if your need for porn is more important than the needs of your partner.
Porn has an affect beyond just watching it; so there should be no pretense that there isn't. There is such thing as too much of a good thing; and that's when it becomes bad for you. The pleasure centers of the brain creates dopamine; and when you masturbate a lot, your mind starts to crave more dopamine. We men are visual-creatures, and lots of material to satisfy our animal-urges can make us a bit greedy. If you pleasure yourself too frequently, you have little need for a partner. When we're single, there is no need to regulate your porn consumption; but when you have a partner who needs you to satisfy him or her; then you need to be sure that you save yourself for the person who loves and desires you.
When you have self-esteem issues and body dysmorphia; these are problems unrelated to your partner using porn, you'd have these insecurities whether or not porn is an issue in your relationship. Insecurities, a lack of self-worth, or lost self-esteem can be aggravated when a partner feels they are inadequate and unable to please in some way. Just like some men may have a problem about the size of his penis, a woman can have problems about whether her body meets his standard of attractiveness. Why should you increase the conflict by adding outside influences that don't enhance the love-life, but causes a rift? That's illogical. No, not every man watches porn, and it isn't necessary. It's a chosen form of entertainment for those who develop a taste for it, and find a growing need to consume it as a frequent and regular for of pleasure. Who likes to be aroused without a climax or happy ending?
Taking a cynical view towards men, and developing frustration out of not being able to control what he sees, likes, or does; is strictly a matter of dealing with personal-insecurities, and seeking help for post-traumatic conditions. Caused by emotional or physical abuse, failed-relationships, or bad-choices.
Porn is definitely a problem, when it is preferred over sex with your committed-partner. It is also a problem, when your partner is aware you get too excited over people who don't look like them. Having traits and physical features that are nowhere near comparable to what they have to offer. If a female can only feel it when she gets it from a guy with a larger penis; she is likely to pursue what satisfies her. Same goes for a man who likes a certain body-type, or particular physical-features, in a woman that turns him on.
You can't do things in a committed-relationship "you know" causes your partner any form of suffering or pain. You can't commit yourself into a relationship; if you go in without knowing who your partner is. Dating is for becoming familiar with what they like for pleasure; and determining what their sexual-needs are. If you force a mismatch, and overlook red-flags and dealbreakers; just to push along into getting a committed-relationship. Everything that won't work in that relationship will surface; and the relationship will self-destruct.
Publishing cynical and sexist notions or prejudices doesn't help. Know your partner, develop a strong enough sense of values that you will not make one-sided commitments; and commit to relationships with people you know, trust, and only those who respect your feelings; and are willing to trust you, and earn your trust in return. Creating negative gender-stereotypes out of bitterness will surely keep you lonely and alone. Having no respect for the feelings of your partner, is the character of someone who doesn't deserve love or trust; and that's someone who will likely grow old and die alone. Porn will not sustain someone like the love and affection of another loving human being. What good is porn to a shriveled decrepit lonely old-man or old-woman? The ideal situation is to grow-old together, and having someone by your side who isn't going to be happy to see you drop dead! So they can celebrate with the funds they receive after cashing-in your life insurance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2022): At 61 this is as good as it gets. It is this or being single. Or with some boring man who is even worse. Unless you are so gorgeous and hot that you can call all the shots - which clearly is not the case.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2022): A female reader is wrong - not everyone watches porn, I do not, nor does my husband, nor do our friends and yes I do know that for a fact. But I would be quite happy for him to do that if he wanted to. You talk as if your guy lives in a prison and needs your permission to think, breath, blink or swallow, that in itself would be enough of a reason for him to get bored and tired of you and want other women. You have no right to tell him what he can or cannot do! It is his choice. Make things more exciting with you if you want him to only want you. Don't treat him as if he is a prisoner in a jail. He will walk if you carry on like this, he would be happier to leave you then.
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A
male
reader, maddmann +, writes (10 August 2022):
You say you've been together for 39 years and you thought you "had a good sex life and a wonderful family". So maybe the only problem is that you are imagining a problem. Stop being so critical and understand that sex isn't bad. Fantasies aren't bad. Your husband isn't bad. Relax, let people be who they are, communicate openly and try to have some fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2022): You are fooling yourself to believe not everyone views porn, they do. In my opinion, it's never bothered me if my partner does. We watch it together sometimes. He is very loving, attentive, committed and takes care of me very well.
If your husband watches it and is the opposite of everything my partner is then that's the problem. Not the porn. The problem is the man you chose to marry.
Stop complaining and leave the marriage. Clearly this is a deal breaker for you. At 61, I doubt he's going to stop now.
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