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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Whether you are single/living together/engaged or married, after a certain amount of time, the honeymoon phase passes, and you are both true to yourselves and really get to know each other.You find that you are very happy in your relationship, everything is great EXCEPT your partner is not getting physical with you anymore, what do you do? (The hugs and holding hands is still there, it's the sex that is missing) You love the person, you want to be with them, you are still attracted to them, yet you have spoken about it nicely, you have also not spoken about it nicely, you have reminded them, you have challenged them, and nothing changes, what do you do? Their excuse is "health" - they have put on weight, but you still find them attractive no matter what, and you show it. You can't instigate every time though, and it can't be one sided. It begins to erode your own self esteem that they are not chasing after you like they used to. Saying "leave him" is out of the question because everything else in the relationship is wonderful. What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I'm the original poster.
Thank you for the feedback everyone! Being in the situation it's harder to see things clearly, so I'm grateful for your opinions/advice.
Dragonheart: I plan to reinstate our walks so that once he is feeling better he can return to gym which he has been wanting to do for a while. The walking will be a kickstart.
I've begun a diet myself, to make sure I look and feel MY best, so that it's nothing in that department that could be a problem. This will motivate him to also eat better, and feel healthier too.
Eddie85: When I up my game ;-) I almost don't need to seduce him, he is keen, it's just that he used to be the instigator, with me only seducing once in a while so he didn't feel he had to do it all. He has known all along I am always game. Now nothing happens for WEEKS unless I instigate, and that now feels one-sided. It affects me, I don't know why.
I think you have hit the nail on the head - he is less active (hence the weight gain) due to additional stress, so I'm sure once he begins exercising, it will help with it all. On my end, I will make sure I am in the best shape, and will buy the outfits to keep things new and exciting (upping my game) ;-)
Sageoldguy: I'm glad to hear you are with a compatible gf now (hooray). On my side, unless he does something that is unacceptable to be with him (e.g. cheating) I'm sticking with him. The thing is, early on we were compatible. As much as he wanted it, I was equally excited by him. I know things change, but we're not old, we haven't been together forever, so the only reasons I can see for this are: additional stress he has, where his focus is elsewhere, although he is still caring, considerate and as I mentioned, hugs and holds hands, etc. which is divine. It's the rest of the intimacy that I'm trying to maintain, because I HAVE NOT changed. I want him as much as ever! ;-) He should consider himself very lucky :)
I will do all the advice given, and perhaps in the near future, his new stress will settle down, with the walking he will begin to feel better and return to gym, while I diet and exercise and look sexy so the day he wakes up and realises it, he can show his appreciation again :)
Thanks again everyone, wish me luck!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 OK.... so I won't tell "leave him".
Instead, I'll tell you that I could have written your submittal a few years ago..... AND, finally, after 4 years of no nik-nik, I capitulated, threw in the towel, and "left her...."
It's not possible to carry on a relationship with someone who is diametrically opposite you on the scale of wanting intimacy.... Sorry....
P.S. I'm doing fine, these days, with a compatible G/F...
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I think when situations like this happen in a relationship, you need to push the envelope in terms of intimacy.
Have you tried upping your game? Why not try to seduce him. Wear something sexy, prod him along throughout the day by telling him you can't wait until the evening. Build up some momentum by gently teasing him and building his confidence.
As we age, our sex drive does diminish. You should encourage him to begin exercising as that has shown to increase libido. Also, by doing things as a couple, you'll increase the likelihood of intimacy. If you feel there is a physical problem, I highly recommend that you have him see his doctor. Sometimes a loss of sex drive is a warning sign of other medical issues.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dragonheart  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I understand how you feel, but I think this is a tricky problem. If he put on weight he may just not feel attractive anymore and this causes then all the issues, it has nothing to do with him not loving you anymore, he may just feel embarassed to get physical.
Probably he has a feeling of low self esteem, even if it does not come from your actions but from his own head or the reflection in the mirror.
You talked about it with him and nothing changed, so i think every additional conversation about it will only add more pressure on him for now.
If I were you I would try - gently and softly - to animate him to lose some weight, go for walks together, go swimming together, find a sport you can do together or whatever else you like to do together, just try to get him to move more and eat healthier. Try to make it quality time you spend together without calling it 'work out' and without adding pressure on him.
If this doesn't work you might have to face the possibility that all you can do is accept him and the situation as it is.
I wish you good luck and all the best.
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