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writes: I have been married for 10 years and thought the relationship was pretty good. Suddenly a girl from 12 years in may past contacted me and I know she had tried a few times over the years. She truly was the love of my life but we parted due to distance and ambitions. It has been 3 months now and I cannot get her out of my head for a single minute. I know that if I stop it, I will be affected for a long time now that she is back. At the same time, although I don't love my wife like I loved her, I was not prepared for this and the idea of leaving my wife is also agonizing. How does one make a decision in this kind of situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): I think you must ask yourself... What is integrity? Does it mean being true to other's expectations or honoring yourself? If you have found true love doesn't your spouse deserve the same? There is not one person on this site that has your answer. You must take responsibility for your decision. That decision can be found if you listen to your own heart, the place where God resides within all of us. There will always be people out there that believe they have the "right" answers for you, but the truth is you are the one that has been given your life. Each of us must live our own truth.
You will find your answers...
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female
reader, serenity*  +, writes (30 June 2010):
Oh my....such memories. Thirty three years ago...I met and fell in love with my knight in shining armor. I walked into a restaurant as he was leaving and he held the door for me, his green eyes took my breath away. Next day, he called for a luncheon date. We dated for 1 1/2 years and his job took him away. We maintained a long distance relationship for a time, but that, along with work commitments and children soon wore away. He married and I married, and life went on. I loved my husband dearly and he was my best friend. He taught me so much and loved me as well. We had a good marriage. HOWEVER, I could never forget the "blonde stranger" from my past, who would call maybe every year or two. Just a call, "how are you", nothing more...but you see, he never got me off his mind either. My husband is now peacefully with Jesus and I am alone. I miss both of them. He did call when my husband passed away to ask how I was doing, he told me at that time...that he loved me and always had in his own "crazy way". Today I called the "blonde stranger"...I don't know where it goes from here, but I do LOVE him, I always HAVE and I always WILL. He is the one love I cannot let go of.
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female
reader, Moon13 +, writes (24 February 2010):
 All i have to say to this is put yourself in your wife's shoes for a minute and stop thinking selfishly if you can. Now wouldn't you like to have been told that you are not loved anymore and that your spouse is in love with someone else, instead of hurting your wife (Behind her back) like this. Because in your mind you can't stop thinking of another woman? If you have kids, is it really worth jumping fences just because the grass looks greener on the other side? If your answer to that question is a simple yes, then i suggest you dont drag this much longer, and sent your wife free as a bird, so she can starting picking up the pieaces of her shattered torn heart, and the sooner the better so she can move on to someone who can really love her for her and treat her with respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): ive read all these it doesnt matter i cant fight it no more i have been for over 30 yrs i'll love her always we were young she was my best friend you may never meet someone like that again in your life, it seems it never stops i talked to her shes married again im not now but she was looking for me on classmates left me her number ive only met one other person in my life that i got along with that well he died we could talk all day i'm 50 now so 2 people in 50 yrs sure we went are own ways back then we young if we would of had money i think wed still be togather idont know i'm just tired of having this hole in my heart i've always thought of her i've been with others and broke up they dont have this affect on me
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): I am living your situation right now. After 31 years, I am in contact with the only man I have ever loved. It started out by contact via email and progressed quickly to phone calls. Eight weeks after reconncecting we spent a weekend together. The atmosphere was one of caution. He repeated told me that he did not want to ruin my life. What he doesn't seem to understand is that he ruined my life 31 years ago when he married someone else. The emotions we have for each other are so intense. We truly love each other and realize that we should have married and built a life together. He is in a marriage in which he has never been faithful. I am in a marriage that I have been faithful up to re-connecting with him. Where do we go from here? I have decided to break off all contact. My husband does not deserve this. Even though, I do not love him the way I do my ex flame, we have buildt a good life together. What is sad is that I have never felt love for my husband. I am not even sure that he has ever felt love for me but some how we have managed to have a good life together. My advice to you is to tell her to go away. It will hurt, but you lived without her happily for 10 years and your wife does not deserve to be hurt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Everyones situation is different. Sometimes loose ends need to be tied up from an old love. I know a lady that at the age of 60 finally married the love of her life (Old HS love) and she is super happy now. She was married and had kids but was never happy. For the past 4 years she is happier than ever. Hooking up with old flames can work it if they are your soulmate. A person that fits you like a lock and key. A person that makes you a better person where the sum of both is greater than the individual parts. Hard to explain but you just know.
If kids are involved it gets complicated but like some of the others said LIFE IS TOO SHORT go for it!
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male
reader, alexnds +, writes (20 May 2008):
I was recently contacted by my exwife from 14 years ago. We didn't have kids together. We lost virginity to each other. Our relationship was passionate and I loved her with an intensity like I loved no one before. Our families broke us apart and were partially responsible because of ethnic differences and we were both young still. I am currently married with a 4yr old. She is married for 11.5 yrs with a 9yr old son and 4yr old daughter. I was very surprised to hear from her. Our e-mail exchanges went from one of bitterness about the past, to a sense of friendship, forgiveness,kindness, emotional maturity, closure and acknowledging the important part we played in shaping each other's lives. Nothing can happen now, but if it could, I would take my son and her kids and I would love to raise them together, all 3 kids with her. But I know it's just wishful thinking and not realistic...so to answer your question, achieve closure and emotional comfort, and then distance yourself...it's the wisest thing you can do in the real world. As a married woman contacting a married man, it's really not morally proper, whether she's happy in her life or not, she's knows you're married and the same is true in my case, she knows I'm married. So basically, achieve emotional closure, and then forget her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): So, recently I ran into my first love on MySpace. He was my first true love, my first sexual partner, etc.
We were together for 2+ years.
I absolutely adore him. To this day, just thinking of him makes me tingle in a way that no other lover ever has.
He's married and has a child now, I'm in a long-term relationship. BUT that being said, I know he's not happy in his marriage and I'm not necessarily happy in my relationship. If I thought for a minute that we "could" both leave our current relationships for each other, I would in a heartbeat.
We chat on the phone occasionally. Just hearing his voice sends chills (in a good way) up and down my spine.
I unfortunately don't have any solid advice on this topic because I think I am as equally confused. I wish I knew what to do, so that I could do it for myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Well, 32 yrs ago I was just 18yrs old and I met someone while on a day trip, we met that day fell in love instantly I think, and then stayed together for nearly 2 yrs.
His work then took him away to another part of the country, of course being young still all my friends were going out in the evenings and I was staying home waiting for the phone calls, I mean we did not have Internet in those days otherwise we would never of split up I dont think, any way eventually I couldn't handle a long distance relationship any more; so I ended it, stupidly so.
I regretted it from that day to this, I tried contacting him several times over the years, making phone calls to his parents, but never had a reply, and recently found out he was trying to find me too, and he never got my messages to say I was looking for him by the way.
One day out of the blue I recieved an email saying someone was trying to contact me, and it was him he had found me on Friends Reunited, and now for the past 7-8 months we have been in contact again and feel exactly the same about each other, both madly in love still, just as much as we were back then.
But we now both have Partners and grown up children, I married a man who I have tolerated over the years he has been on times let's just say very difficult to live with, without going into too much detail, and my ex's Partner as it turns out, is in just as a difficult relationship, although he never married her, they have just lived together on and off.
We talk every day and have done so for the months now, we have so much in comman, can talk for hours about anything, I dont know where we will go with this re kindled love of ours, but neither one of us wants to hurt anyone else in all this, so we have no idea what may happen in the future.
So I guess if you are happily married then contact like this would not even get off the ground, would it,this was not a first love thing for either one of us I dont think so any way, just two people who really were meant to be togehter, if we only ever get to talk then it has made my life so much happier to know him again, and I know he feels the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Something similar happened to me. My first exwife from 14yrs ago contacted me by e-mail suddenly. I am now married with a 4yr old son and happy for 6yrs. She is also married with a 9yr old son and 4yr old daugther and married for 11.5yrs. I couldn't stop thinking of her for a long time, 6 years, and was heart broken. I repeatedly tried to contact her over the years, but to no avail. She actually now, 14 years later, acknowledges that she got my letters. She was not seeking an amarous connection, just curiousity and closure I guess. I walked around for 1month while we traded e-mails. I had a panic attack and saw a psychiatrist. My unresolved feelings toward young love and first love caused me a great deal of heart ache. Finally, after fighting about the past all over again, and then making up, by e-mail, we gave each other closure. We are both grown adults with a commitment to other people in our lives and this would cause too much pain to our respective spouces who stood by our sides all those years. It would be very selfish to persue this relationship and so, I chose to be strong, and I gave her a call and finally said, with words choking in my throat and my voice trembling the goodbye I should have said along time ago. I was kind and compassionate in my words, not mean spirited and she was as well. She obviously still loves me and I still love her, but it's in the past, where it belongs. Some emotions are best left on the shelf where they belong. What you miss is not her. What you miss is the unfilled dream of a marriage and a life with a woman you once deeply loved. You miss not the real her, but the idealization of her that time has caused in your mind. Forget her and the pain will go away. Look at your kids, smile and remember all the happiness your wife brought into your life and the past is the past. Forgive and forget
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): Its sad, that you passed on love years ago, something must have triggered her to contact you..She must have loved you as much as you loved her but ambition or stupidity led you two to a different path..What does your heart say..if you can't stop thinking of her then you should see her at a diner for coffee just to talk..If you have children with your wife you have to take account of your responsibitlies with your family...and let this other women go..Men should never marry women that they are not absolutely inlove with..the marriage never works out...you are torn because you didn't marry for love..and you have love and passion for this other women, it will never go away, especially if she is around you and has contact with you..
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female
reader, Raphaella +, writes (31 October 2007):
I was 19 in 1970 when my first love and I became pregnant. Back then, becoming pregnant as a single "couple" was not what it is today. We tried to contact adults in our lives, other than our parents to help us in this situation. They offered no help and referred us to our parents, whom we felt we could not talk to. In the end, we had an illegal abortion that resulted in me being in hospital with my love at my side; our parents forbidding us to see each other and putting private detectives on our tails to be sure we didn't. Now, 38 years later we have found each other again and have shared that our love for each other has not changed; however, we are married, but over the last 6 months have communicated by phone and email and then met and were sexually intimate (our spouses unaware of any of this). It has all been wonderful; however, we have decided to not contact each other for 6 months and see if by working on our respectives marriages; the marriages could work. Why? you ask; because it is the right thing to do. If we find the marriages will not work; then it is likely we will spend time to get to know each other thoroughly and quite possibly end up together. The point of doing this is to be certain it is the right decision and not simply rekindling of a passionate love. So, to all of you "out there" there are other reasons for young lovers that truly loved each other to not "end up together" in that it has nothing to do with one or the other wanting to break up with the other; simply the times and the circumstance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): do u have a good sex life with your wife
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): I was recently contacted by my old high school crush, and found out that he felt the exact same way about me too; we were truly just best friends back then and never told each other our feelings for fear of rejection from the one person we always felt safe with.
Talking about it now, telling each other what we could not even comprehend was love back then is surreal; and letting another 30 years go by seems impossible to us both. But, we both love our spouses, and will never cross that line; and we are thankful to live so many miles apart now too.
And yes, we have a strong emotional connection; but, really no more so than we have had with some same sex friends throughout our lives. Even though he is my Brad, lol, and I am his Angelina; you know, that fantastic hot lust which one dreams of, but will never know of.
We understand that some may see our new found fondness as playing with fire; but, at our age, lol, this little added heat in the bedroom has actually rekindled the lust we have for our spouses. And we both agreed that has been the best part of all of this.
The unconditional support for each others marriages and children has made the entire experience positive and worth risking any future rejection; for now a seperation would seem to be with more closure, and we can, if we must, go on without the other there if and when life makes us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): You must be true to yourself. Does not matter who is or isn't married. If you want to rekindle this relationsip - go for it. Life is too short to be tied down by empty promises.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): I had a similar thing happen recently. She's a desperate housewife situation, longing for what might have been in her life simply because she's an ambitious and talented person. The positive about our email contact is that there was some closure after the decade seperation. The negative is that it cracked open an old scar for me. I'm very fragile due to some physical disabilities and depression. I'm not faulting her in the least though, it can be very hard to gauge in email only just how much a person can take when taking trips down memory lane whereas in person you can see brow furrows and subtle gestures which show they aren't comfortable going there so to speak. I still love her and probably always will, I think a first love becomes a part of you and when you have given love it can't be returned - iow the relationship forms who you are. And that formed you is also the very person your spouse fell in love with. So IMO, a simple how are you? glad to hear things are well for you, sorry your dad died, sounds like your spouse is a great guy, etc... is fine but leave it at that. Anything more is a recipe for disaster. As for divorcee's rushing out to find their ex. - fools IMO simply missing a warm body and not realizing how co-dependent they've become.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): Ok. So im a female. Im happily married, like totally and completely. But, my first love has recently contacted me. I believe that its hard on me cause we never had any closure. Now, i cant get the man off my mind. I never intend on leaving my husband, but i need to see my first love again. My stomach tingles when i get to talk to him or even think about him.. what do i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): An old flame contacting someone doesn't necessarily mean they want to rekindle the relationship as it was. I contacted my first love (who is now married) not too long ago with no intentions other than just telling her how I really felt (because I couldn't at the time). I would not interfere with her life even if she wanted me to. It was just an unfinished thing that I had to do for my own peace of mind.
Do some people have less noble intentions? I'm sure but it shouldn't just be assumed unless they say so.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Being true to yourself is going to cause someone discomfort in the short-term -- not being true to yourself is also going to cause you and all involved discomfort in the long-term.
I've been considering, for the past 3 years, making contact w/ an old flame, whom I have not seen in over 20 years and I don't know if he's married, divorced or what? I have not been able to verify this one small detail. All I know is that I can't get him off of my mind. I will be divorced with absolutely no reconciliation within the next 2-months, after 3 plus years of real separation. I'm mailing him a "hello, how are you" letter tomorrow morning.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): "im married now" what is that a curse, having someone who supports you, has children with you, pledged to you?
at what part of vows did you cross your fingers?
im sick and tired of idiots getting married
and crying later!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): I recommend reading Dr. Nancy Kalish's book "Lost & Found Lovers." First loves are hard to get over. Not only do you share a common past of growing up together, but you were laying down the "blue print" of how you will relate to partners the rest of your life. When you mix two teenagers with raging hormones, being deeply loved for the first time, it's gonna leave a mark! (Even deeper than a spouse of 10 years). Research shows these re-kindled relationships can lead to happy and long-lasting relationships. It seems unfair to a spouse, but you can't live your life untrue to your heart. Marriage... that's a recent social development. For eons humans were getting together and breaking up without it. I'd recommend taking it slowly and consider counseling. Once you've undone it, it would be nearly impossible to recover.
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female
reader, QUIVER +, writes (18 December 2005):
YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE NOW YOU LET HER GO FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS BUT I BET SHE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU AND NOW YOU HAVE TO PUT THINGS RIGHT
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): DID YOU MARRY THE WOMAN BECAUSE SHE WAS AMBITIOUS LIKE YOUR SELF?
DID YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS OTHER WOMAN AND TRY TO TELL HER?MAY BE YOU WERE AFFRAID!
HOW DID YOU SAY GOOD BYE?
YOU NOW REALISE THAT YOU DID LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES YOU THINGS MUST CHANGE.
BUT SOME TIMES PEOPLE MARRY TO PLEASE OTHERS AND OTHERS EXPECTIONS CAN BE HIGH.WHEN YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DID HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU AND MAY BE SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
MAYBE YOU FOUND SO MANY EXCUSES NOT TO BE IN CONTACT FIGHTING THE TRUTH!
PLEASE BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR WIFE AND TELL HER GENTLY THAT YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE.
SO YOU DON'T CONTINUE IN TURMOIL.
THIS WOMAN IS NOT OUT TO HARM YOU SHE DEEPLY LOVES YOU AND IF SHE WANTED TO HARM YOU OR YOUR WIFE SHE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS A LONG TIME AGO.
YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT HER AND IT APPEARS SHE FEELS THE SAME.
IF SHE LOVES YOU SHE WILL WAIT EVEN IF SHE HAS NO OTHER LOVE AND I BELIVE SHE WILL NOT FORCE THE ISSUE TAKEN IT THAT SHE HAS NOT ALREADY.
THIS LOVE IS UNBREAKABLE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): An old flame contacted me after 22 years.I was married but he just had to see me,wished he could turn the clock back and had always regreted our parting. When we saw each other again after all that time it was as if it was yesterday.
We were still in love with each other on a deep level but it was too intense and too complicated as other people were in our lives.I decided to end it and it was honestly the most painful decision of my life.
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female
reader, acquaint +, writes (7 October 2005):
YOU KNOW I AM ACTUALLY LIVED WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH I SEARCHED FOR HIM FOR A YEAR THOUGHT OF HIM EVERY DAY FOR 8 YEARS. WE PARTED ON GOOD TERMS. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 8 YEARS, I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT ALWAYS WILL BE IN LOVE WITH THE OTHER. I DID FINALLY FIND HIM AND IT WAS LIKE NO TIME HAD PASSED FOR EITHER OF US I AM SO HAPPY I ACTED ON IT. ITS NOT FAIR TO ANYONE INVOLVED IF YOU DONT PUT CLOSURE TO CONFUSSION EITHER WAY. I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS MY BEST FRIEND WHO WAS MY FATHER DIED SUDDENLY HE GAVE ME A SPECIAL GIFT AFTER HE LEFT AND NOW I DO IT FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING. SIT ALONE IN A CHAIR BY YOURSELF AND FOR 10 MIN THINK ONLY THAT YOU WILL BE DEAD TOMOROW JUST DROP DEAD THINK NOTHING ELSE BUT YOU BEING DEAD. TEN MIN. THEN WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ANGRY CHAIR AS I CALL IT, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR ANSWER.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2005): I can relate to this question. I am a person that never got over my first love. I can say that no matter what you do or don't do that you will always wonder if you choose not to make any kind of contact. This person will be on your mind always no matter how much you push that feeling down inside of you. I have been in this boat for quite some time. I have 2 children as well and can say that a happy home doesn't equal true love. We are all hear on this earth for such a short time. We should make of it the best that we can. Your children will still love you no matter what choices you make. Once they are adults they will understand even more why you made the choices you did. True love with your soul mate is a once in a lifetime thing. You may regret not making some attempt. I know I've been married for about the same length of time as you. I have finally made the decision to find this person. What I realized is how dishonest I am being to my spouse if I'm constantly thinking of someone else. I have told him about my feelings. He is upset but understands why I'm doing what I'm doing. He'd rather me find out what my feelings are for this other person than have a pretend "perfect marriage". I think you'll understand what I am saying. At least get the answers you are looking for. It doesn't mean you have to leave your wife or your family. I truly believe, however, honestly is the best policy so maybe you should be up front with her like I was with my spouse. Good luck to you and always be true to yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2005): I feel you need to take a long hard look at what it is you are really after.It's been a long time since you have really seen this lady.She may be different altogether than the way you romantically see her from the past.Do you have children? That's another big thing to consider before embarking on an affair. Your Integrity seems to be in question. Wouldn't you want your wife to leave you first, before she ran off with her old lover? You may not love your wife the same way as you did this lady, but do you have the same history, 10 years is a long time. At least respect your wife & tell her of your doubts & feelings. You never know, she may tell you to go & sort your feelings out before you decide to have an affair.At least give your wife a chance to know there is a problem. Finally ask yourself, how would I like to be treated if the situation was on the foot? Good luck!
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reader, Devil's Advocate +, writes (5 June 2005):
 You have made a committment to your wife that you didn't make to this other girl. That is a choice that you made a long time ago and you shouldn't be questioning it now. If you had loved the other girl as much sa you think you do, you would have made a committment to her.Sounds to me like a case of "the grass seems greener"...
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (5 June 2005):
 Be affected now that she's back?! Silly man, she has always been back. She's always been around...with other men. There's a name for this type of female - homewrecker. Any female willingly and knowingly contacting a married male has no honorable intentions. She just wants the satisfaction of knowing that she can still drive you wild even after a long period of time. Do you want to risk your marriage for her ego? Is it worth it? I guarantee you little miss homewrecker will be in and out in a second. Isn't that why she's still single after all these years?? Your life seems to be going well and it will continue to go well as long as you allow it. It all depends what you feel in your heart which is more important to you. I believe you should ignore your ex's contact attempts and keep living. Take care.
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