A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,A bit of background, I'm currently 18 and in my second semester of college. My girlfriend is in Highschool (We started dating back when I was a Senior).We've been dating around a year and a half, and I'm willing to admit I cheated on her about three months or so ago (And told her fairly soon after). And while it's not justification for my actions, I would like to note that it was more accidental then anything -- No kissing or sex or anything happened in that regard. Whether that makes it any 'better' is of course mostly opinion (I recognize I shouldn't have done it either way), I just want to point out what happened and that there isn't a more complicated situation. Moving on, I talked to her about it and she was willing to forgive me, and after that winter break went on fine with basically no mention of it.Now, I'm back into college and taking a much harder load then I was before. That being said, I don't have much time to spare. Most of my time is spent doing homework or working, and when I'm not doing that I've had an exam to study for. And with that in mind, while I've been trying to keep talking with my girlfriend, I haven't been able to do anything with her recently. To keep my scholarship I have to keep my GPA over 3, which is easier said then done (And I also have to be a full-time student, which I won't be if I drop a class). I can definitely do it, but it's going to require most if not all of my time focused on it.I was hoping she'd be a bit understanding of my current load, However, she's getting more and more worse about it, to the point where she's cutting herself and sending me pictures for me to see, and threatening to kill herself (At least in part because she wants the attention from me). She's had this problem before and I've talked to her about it and she stopped, of course it seems she's started again. She is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and depression, and while I'm not a professional consoler by any means, because of this I've been willing to give her a bit of leeway in regards to these things (And more importantly try to help in anyway I can). She is/was seeing a consoler, though she hasn't said anything about it in a while so I'm not sure if she still is.Of course, now that she's upset with me because we haven't gotten to do anything lately she's bringing up what happened before (And asking how I would feel if she cheated on me, how now she's not sure she'll ever forgive me, etc...). And all of this is now leading to me attempting to get some studying or homework done while at the same time consoling her. And at this point she's telling me that I should consider her more important then my grades or a scholarship. And, while I'm not saying I don't consider her more important, failing some/all my classes and not getting my scholarship money isn't much of an option, or something that I feel like she should be requesting me to do. I've been getting on the homework in and studying, however I have a fairly tough teacher and am (depending on todays exam) just barely pulling a B in the class right now.At that end, I am trying to finish up all my work for this weekend (And since it's a light week next week it won't be so bad) so I don't have anything left to do for this weekend and we could do something together. However, telling her that doesn't seem to help much, she's still upset with me, and continually flips between being pissed at me or being sorry and begging that I don't leave her. I admit I have a hard time understanding it when she tells me how she's pissed and mad and upset with me and then and the end tells me that she loves me more then anything (And during that time, I'm also attempting to try and figure out my Calc 2 homework so that I don't completely fail the exam I had the next day...)Here's my question: Which one of us would you suspect/think is being at fault here? Or: Am I not being at all sensitive enough or is she not realizing the amount of stress I'm under? (or, is it's anything in-between). And, what you would suggest doing?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to follow-up, for better or for worse she broke-up with me. It is what it is I suppose, I don't deny she had every reason to break-up with me. Doesn't make it much easier though. I guess for now I'll just focus on my work.Anyway, thank you all for responding.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): When someone cheats, it takes an awful lot to come back from it and it takes a lot of work to repair the damage. Regardless of how it went down, you still made a bad choice and you have to accept and deal with what comes with it. You have a lot of things working against you in this relationship....she is still in high school and that is something most leave behind when they enter college, she has mental problems that may or may not be controlled, you tarnished the relationship with your actions, you have a full class load that you need to focus on....
However, lots of young adults get through this and find a way to make it work.
For starters, it's time to take a weekend night and sit down and have a long serious talk with her. SHOW her what you are up against at school and what is required for you to maintain your GPA and how important it is for you to accomplish this. Sets some boundaries...during the weekdays you need to have X amount of time to focus on this, lay out a schedule of sorts and ask that she help you stay focused (keeping her involved and part of the solution) Reassure her that you love her and want more than anything to be able to spend more time talking with her and being with her, but during school you simply can't. Let her know that you are always thinking of her and throw her a quick hello here and there, or say something quick and sweet to give her that reassurance that she needs from you. Surprise her with a favorite candy bar (for lack of a better idea at the moment lol) or something when you see her...when you are with her, make it count.... I mean really make it count. Absense does make the heart grow fonder, but when there is doubt and little trust issues that make the past surface, the girls mind starts wondering and worrying...it's not just going to go away.
If all this is too much for you to handle or not what you are willing to do, then break it off with her. Yes, it's going to be difficult, but life can be that way sometimes.
I just have this sense from what you wrote that breaking it off is not what you want....time management is a challenge for college students...when you get that all figured out, studies, work, social life and relationships can be manageable. Best of luck to you. I hope you can find a balance for both of you and you are able to make it work.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 Risking to sound totally uncompassionate, I say that what you've got to do is : drop her now, like a scalding potato.
And you are wrong, NO, she is not more important than your studies, your grades, and your future. You have to focus on that, and you can afford to have a gf only if she does not interfere with it.
This poor girl has big issues, but they are not your issues. She has a family, she has a counselor, -let them deal with it. You are not equipped for that, you don't have the time, the skill, the licence and the moral obligation to help or promote her healing at the cost of your success in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): I can understand both sides here, she is feeling insecure because you cheated, and although she is wanting to forgive you she is having a hard time trusting you right now, so when you don't have time to spend with her, her bi-polar and depression is causing her mistrust to manifest into thinking maybe your cheating again, which is understandable.On the other hand, this is your schooling and your future life, your studdies are important and you do need to put it as a priority and that means that you do have instances where you don't have much time for spending on your relationship. I don't think it's a matter of who is right or wrong, I think it is a matter of you cannot give her what she needs from this relationship with your workload, so this relationship is not working, and your studdies will continue being this way and unless she can truly trust you again and forgive you, it won't work out, it may be time to end this relationship.
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