A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After more daydreaming and thinking about my future, I am wondering if "settling" would be considered a negative thing at this point. I have wanted a relationship for over 10 years now, but it hasn't happened despite my efforts. The basic background: I am a 28 year old guy who has never been able to attract women or had a girlfriend before and have always failed when it comes to this. Dating is almost completely foreign, as I have only been on a handful of dates, with many never progressing to a second date. I like to think that I am a good guy, but as no girl is ever interested then maybe I am lousy after all.Do you think it will appear too desperate to settle? I used to hold out hope that I could find someone that has it all (interesting, nice person, financially responsible), but realize that I should be more accepting of those that I may not like completely or really attracted to. I have come to the realization that people will have their own flaws/weaknesses and there is no shame in that. As long as an average girl comes along and is just a nice person, good enough right? It seems that I will fall for someone like this, providing she shows any remote sign of interest or genuinely likes me for being myself. A major reason could be because of pressure surrounding me, as there are very few single people left among my social circles, majority of my work colleagues are engaged/married and are in their mid 20's, and I have always wanted to consider marriage around the age of 30, but haven't come even close.Sure, standards are important but as I have nothing, I have to take what comes to me right? I do not know what it is like for a girl to be interested in me, so is it wrong to think this way? Am I cheating myself under this "settling" thing?
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 February 2013):
Keep in mind that attraction grows as your feelings for someone grow. I've never been with a woman to whom I wasn't attracted to, but I have found myself looking at them differently after I started getting feelings for them.
This is a very hard question to answer. Settling for a nice person isn't that bad after all, but you may have some minor flaw that is making dating difficult for you and if you could find that flaw and work on it then things would go better for you.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 This is difficult to answer - on the one hand, if you have really high standards and wont consider a girl (currently) unless she is drop dead gorgeous, earns a fortune in a highly sucessful career, is super intelligent and funny to boot....then perhaps your idea of 'settling' isnt such a bad idea.
However if you are talking about dating girls that you are 100% not attracted to and dont have anything in common with, and they dont meet any of your 'requirements' in a girlfriend then yes you would be cheating yourself.
You need to find middle ground here - dont settle for any female with a pulse that shows interest with you, but equally be open minded and perhaps consider girls that you may never have considered in the past.
Take me for example - before I met my current boyfriend my idea of what I wanted in a guy was something like this: Tall (over 6ft), slim build, sucessful well paid career with plenty of potential for the future, no kids, no previous marriages or engagements, funny, intelligent and comes from a good family.
What I ended up with is a relatively short stocky rugby player type guy, who is a low paid teacher and not looking like he will progress that far in his career. When I first met him I wasnt attracted to him, I felt like I could easily be friends with him and we had a good laugh together but I didnt think there could be anything more between us. However the more time I spent with him, the more I became attracted to him because of his personality - he made me laugh so much and treated me so well that I couldnt help fall for him. We have been together ever since and are living together now : )
Moral of the story - just because you might not initially be attracted to someone, or just because on the face of things they dont meet ALL of your requirements, dont write her off! The more time you spend with someone can lead to feelings develop, so always be open to any girl you meet and give her a chance.
But dont just accept any girl you find for the sake of being with someone, it will drive you mad being with a girl who you are not attracted to and dont like spending time with. Never settle for the sake of it, holding out for the right person is always a better option - just make sure your standards are not too high and you are not being too fussy.
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A
female
reader, MandUK +, writes (11 February 2013):
It depends on how you are defining settling...no one person is ever going to be totally 100% perfect. We are all human we have the innate flaws that accompany being human. That said, should you settle for the 1st person you meet who has a fleeting interest in you, no. It seems you have a plan in your head that you feel your life isn't adhering too so you are beginning to panic, don't. You are still a young man, I have friends who are a decade or more older that still haven't found the person they want to settle down with, and I have friends your age who have been married and divorced. Your path in life will not be the same as your friends and that too is Ok. Instead of settling why not start mixing with people who share the same hobbies or passions as you... join a club, take a class...something that will widen your circle of friends and help you be comfortable socializing. Most of all relax pushing for something so hard will make you unapproachable and no girl you meet will want to feel like you settled for her because nothing better came along...and believe me she would figure it out.
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