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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi agony aunts and uncles.hope can get your opinion or help with this problem.I am with my boyfriend for 8 years now, he is my first relationship, only man I've ever been with. I feel I stayed with him a few years too long. He is not from my country and from Pakistan. My family accepted him and get on well with him. Cultural differences not a problem for me, although his family have no idea about me unless we were to get married. Anyhow our relationship has run its course, he told me he is not in love with me nor am I in love with him anymore. I was at one point I think. He said he cares for me and I am his best friend, he can see himself marrying me eventually. He said being in love is something childish and we are adults so should be realistic. He is comfortable with me and when he works enough to afford to buy a home then he wants to get married and start a family with me. I feel like I want more than that. Like he is settling. I tried to break up with him on a few occasions and he tells me he has no one here and I am all he has although he does have many friends. He doesn't want to start with anyone else again or have an arranged marriage, he knows me and is happy. I do care about him, he is a kind man and we do have things in common but its like we are brother and sister or just two good friends. We still have sex and its good. I just feel like I am missing out on someone who could possibly fall in love with me. Am I being silly here or expecting too much?. Should I stay?. Do you need to be in love with someone or does it wear off in time?.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 OP, you say being in love is not meant to last and gradually grows into just being comfortable with each other. I don't agree with you. Yes, the fiery hormone-driven excitement doesn't last more than a year or so, but being in love and fancying someone should last for ever. To expect less is selling yourself short.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 what do you think love is? what do you think is missing.
you have sex
sex is good
you have fun together
you have a lot in common
he's your best friend?
wow.... I just think that maybe your expectation of what long term true love is might be off...
I have been married FOUR times.
time one I married for love... it did not last but I have two beautiful adult children from this union.
we don't talk about marriage 2--i loved the guy but it was the wrong time for me...
marriage three... it was not practical but I loved the guy... we married.. he decided he was not happy and set up a scenario so that he could leave and not have guilt about it.
so now I'm married again... this marriage is different and I know it will last... why? because we did not marry out of a mad passion.. we married because it made sense. we have the same goals and the same hobbies and we take care of each other... yes there is love there but it's secondary to the fact that we made the commitment to be together no matter what... so that when the love fades (and love does fade even in the best relationships) we get through those times till the love returns.
I think that I didn't get that the first time and bailed too soon thinking I was out of love... because my younger son pointed out that my new husband is very much like his father.... and yes they have a lot of the same traits...
I think folks think that love is the only reason now to get married... less than 200 years ago marriage was a business deal between families and sometimes countries...
If you had a horrible sex life, if you had other things that were an issue, I'd say for sure bail... but the fact that you two are together so long and have hit that "fallen out of love" stage... does not mean it's a terrible relationship...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): **original poster**
Thank you sageoldguy - although different than a turkey.
I am being silly. He treats me well, I see friends who are "in love" with boyfriends who don't treat them as well as he treats me. Should count my blessings found someone who is a good friend and who is good to me. I should be logical and understand love or being in love is not suppose to last and eventually wears into being comfortable with each other. Thank you both for input. Appreciated.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 You wrote this: "Anyhow our relationship has run its course, he told me he is not in love with me nor am I in love with him anymore...." so, now, let that guide you.
In a like vein....If you'd raised a turkey, and you'd cut his head off... and de-feathered him.. and ate him for Thanksgiving dinner.... you wouldn't be on here asking: "Should I save what's left of my turkey"... would you??????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 November 2013):
You're not being silly at all. It's important you love as well as like someone if you plan on spending your entire future together.
Love can change over time, but it is not something that automatically wears off over time. People can drift apart and their feelings become less, but that doesn't normally happen if both people are fully committed to the relationship and work at it.
Being in love is not something that can be manufactured by hard work: you either find someone attractive or you don't. There is no formula.
In your case, neither of you are physically attracted to the other, so you're missing out big time.
If you want to end it, then do so, regardless of his wishes. You are not obliged to carry on with him. It's his responsibility to sort himself out if you split up, not yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): **original poster**
See that is the thing, he does treat me like a princess. He is very good to me. Kind, generous, affectionate and I know he respects me. I am not being mistreated by him. We don't live together but spend 3/4 days of the week at my flat and the rest of the week with him. We probably have sex more than couples who claim to be in love. We are good friends and enjoy each others company. Just not in love. He said he loves me but not in love with me and its how I feel about him too.
I guess maybe I feel sad because no one has ever been in love with me. I wont get to know what that feels like. I try to rationalise it, you know its just chemistry and read after a couple of years it wears off anyway. I understand you say a loveless marriage but we have mutual respect and care for each other. I know he will be an amazing father and provider.
Thanks for your input.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 You deserve to be in love ! Whats the point in raising children in a loveless marraige when that is something they should be surrounded by !Thats the culture difference right there, he is happy to settle even if there is no love or passion this man is just looking for comfortI think you need to move on! Neither of you love each other your living a lieI personally couldnt do itYou deserve to be with sombody who give you butterflies, treats you like a princess, respects you along with your wants and needs I could never settle even if i knew there was a 1% chance that love was somewhere out there waiting to find me !When your older you will regret it
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