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female
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Teresa
writes: I have only been married for 4 months and even though we are very much in love, whenever we argue my husband sulks for about 3 days. He has occasionally spent the night at his parents when we have fallen out, knowing it upsets me. He also punishes me in that he will deliberately do something which he knows will upset me. He is always really sorry afterwards and promises not to do it again - but it continues - why does he do this? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Pam4411  +, writes (14 June 2008):
Dear Teresa,
I feel for you. I have been married for 25 years to a sulker and I truly believe it is a behaviour that wont change. I have had to change my response to his sulking instead as we cannot change someone else we can only change how we ourselves deal with some one's behaviour. I used to scream, shout, plead, all sorts of undignified behaviour to get him to come around and nothing worked. I then decided to try and maintain my own emotions and be distantly polite to him until he comes around - and believe me that can be weeks and weeks! Actually in a strange way I have come to quite enjoy the peace of this time and just get on with things I like doing. I do agree with other answers that it is very destructive to your relationship as it chips away more and more with each new sulk. Good luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): i have been with my partner 4 10yrs,we hav a son aged 8,i 2 hav been living under his emotional abuse/sulking,its depleating degrading,he isolates me,alienates me,treats me like i dont exsist.if we disagree,or i refuse to dance to his tune he leaves returning to his nans,stating that he only wants to c his son,this in turn has an adverse effect upon my son,so im not only left coping with the torment he puts me threw,i get it double bubble with my sons emotional wellbeing,security,stability.he always states 2 my son that its my fault,which has far reaching effects upon our mum/son relationship.ive draw 2 the conclusion that i cant work with some1 who constantly works against me,i try sooo hard to sort the issues out,communicate with him,only 2 realise its me who keeps cleaning up the turmoil he creates,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Yes.... to all you ladies, I completely understand, and we aren't even married yet! I don't know if I would call it sulking or stubborn! My fiance and I bicker quite often. The beginning of our relationship seemed perfect, we never fought, got angry, got sick of each other or anything. I knew that was too good to be true. Now we fight almost every day, over the smallest things! I am the type of person who hates fighting. I am definitely emotional, and he is the complete opposite. I will cry and he will walk away. I will cry and he will tell me to get over it. I really wonder if he even cares. We will fight and he will ignore me, and go to bed. I can't do that. I always apologize just to make things better! No matter what he thinks it is my fault and he is never wrong, and I am getting to sick of it! I love him so much, and when things are good they're great, I just wish he would apologize every now and then. We both come from similar familes, I have no idea why he is the way he is? Please somebody, make me feel better!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): M on-off boyfriend is the same. Its the reason we are on and off! Everytime something needs discussing, he avoids it until it gets to the point I have to ask him point blank. Then he sulks for day, weeks, even months until he thinks I am ready to apologise. Oh I used to, now- I just think, oh well plenty more men out there and some of them have actually grown up. In one of his sulking moods, he asked me to leave. I did. I few months down the line, he said he never wanted to see or hear from me again. So I didn't contact him. He came back each time, tail tucked but he can't stop doing this. Latest is IVF. We talked about it, then he said he was upset with me and hasn't spoken to me in a week. So I have decided to go for donor sperm without him.Also think its because of his childhood. Met his parents and both of them control and manipulate. He uses sulking, shouting, tipping the balance in his favour and threatening to leave when he doesn't get his own way. I love him but the problem is I spent two whole years reading about men just like him and have him sussed. Sad to say, I couldn't care less anymore what mood he is in. Not once has he apologised for anything. So I stopped too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Hi, I just went through most of the postings and it's funny that I found so many women talking about their husbands sulking. I on the other hand happen to be on the sulking side of the coin, I let things tick me off when I'm around my boyfriend of seven years we live together. Anyway, part of the problem I know is because I came from an abusive childhood home, he didn't. I find that sometimes I wind up acting like my parents when we fight, most of the time I ask him to leave, by the way he is a really nice guy and I don't know why I have to act this way, yelling and pointing fingers, acting like my parents especially my dad. Logically it makes no sense, it's like displaced anger but in role reversal, I a woman treat my mate like my dad used to treat me. And I used to hate this abuse from my dad and now I do it to my mate and I'm happy that I am at least conscious enough to know where it comes from but I don't know how to stop it, I say to myself I'm going to be consciously aware of my present, my actions but I would see things that were similar to my childhood and I just freak out. Hence my dilemma. Anyway for all those women with sulking husbands I hope this note helps you in some way and if this sheds some light in your situation now that you can see it from another woman's side of the coin.
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female
reader, nehadagr8  +, writes (4 April 2008):
Im 22 yrs old this is the 3rd month of my marriage.Yea thts true my husband can sulk for even a week or more. He alwayz wants me to do the first attempt.Actually my father in law n my mother in law were telling things bad about my parents which i could'nt bear but dint respond them back but I was crying for the whole night n said all tht to my husband but he dint care about my feeling and still supports his parents and said tht I always complain about his parents and says his parents never complained anything bad about me or my parents. He says his parents always praise me n appreciate me. Dont know what to do next and why always a girl has to bear tht behaviour of her husband inspite of her loving him so much. A girl leaves her own parents n lives with her in laws n they insult her parents in front of her n the husband never supports her the most painful thing a girl faces in her life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I have been married for almost 5 years and my husband does the same thing. Currently, we are on day 12 of not speaking. This is a way to control and manipulate, it is a form of emotional abuse. For the first 3 years, I would always go to him and beg him to talk to me, which usually ended up in more verbal or emotional abuse. During the 4th year, I tried the strategy that alot of other posters are trying, either ignoring back or just acting like I was indifferent. I was able to emotionally shield myself. Not only does this not work, it actually started to promote worse behavior, and he became even more abusive so he could re-gain control. Now during the 5th year, he picks arguments over nothing at least twice a week, and then sulks for days afterward. This is a way for them to constantly test you, to see how far they can push you and to see if you still "love" them. It is really sick. He had a bad childhood, and his mother is a toxic narcissist. She has been married a couple times and cannot maintain a relationship with anyone, that includes men, friends or family.
I am finally able to admit to myself that this behavior will never change. We went to couseling once and my husband was so sarcastic and verbally abusive with the therapist, the therapist actually told him to leave because he would not tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone. I am 33 years old and I don't want to waste anymore of my time. I don't know if he even realizes I am planning to leave and file for a divorce.
This behavior is NOT acceptable. It is ABUSIVE, MANIPULATIVE AND CONTROLLING. It will most likely not get better. The longer you put up with it, the more they will push and test your boundaries.
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female
reader, Teresa +, writes (8 March 2008):
Teresa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAm now nearly 3 years into this - and it is still happening - it always amazes me that he can sulk for the length of time that he does! However, he has admitted that the longer it goes on, the less he seems to be able to get out of it. He gives me little clues now that I am able to recognise when he is ready to talk and I feel more in control now as I will talk when I am ready. It might seem like I am coming down to his level, however I do find his behaviour very controlling even if he doesn't. I honestly think, as far as he is concerned and I can't speak for anyone else, that he sees it as a game that he has to win because he doesn't want to appear weak. I think underneath he is basically insecure, despite all the bravado, and would rather die that admit it! For everyone experiencing this I have the utmost sympathy. For anyone reading this who displays thistype of behaviour, just think of the damage you are doing to your relationship. You end up chipping slowly away at someone till all respect and love will eventually disappear and unless you are willing to take a good look at yourself and acknowledge the problem, you will destroy your relationship and will only have yourself to blame. Love is not a game, think how you would feel if the tables were reversed
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): I am having the same problem. Its been 8 days now. & i got such good insights abt his behaviour from the answers to these post. I am just ignoring his behavious
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): sounds like my fiance we dnt really fight he just likes his own way and whn he dont get it he sulks which means no hugs sex its a mans way of getting there own back cos theve lost te argument
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008):
Your husband is sulking to control you, manipulate you, and make you "hurt" as he hurts. He obviously had a bad childhood and feels unworthy and even jealous of you deep-down inside; but will never let you know this.
My husband sulks constantly when things don't go his way. If he is having a bad day, he sulks and will not speak to me for up to two weeks at a time. He suffers from mood swings also.( When he does this, he is definitely speaking to other women and playing the part of the "poor hurt soul" because he is emotionally and socially lacking where our marriage is concerned. "Bad, bad childhood."
Most of the time, it is I who starts the conversation. I resent having to do it. He only speaks first when he wants or needs something from me.
While this is painful to me, I have learned to turn the tables on him. I simply ignore him,(after I have cursed him out) which doesn't really help at all; it just makes me feel better while I am doing it.
I came from a family of communicators and he did not. I came from a good family--he did not.
Yet, when we were dating, we talked all the time--he even went so far as to tell me at the time that he had talked to me more than he had ever talked to anyone. After 25 years of marriage, I have doubts that he was telling the truth. He is a hugh lier and I believe he suffers from bi-polar disorder.
That type of man is emotionally abusive, and yes I have invested much in my marriage, and am also independent and have a job to go to everyday--my saving grace.
I do love him and feel that I try way too hard to make our marriage work, many times, by myself. (I resent him for that.) I could leave him and in this "day and age" I could find another "messed - up" man who is a sexual pervert or alcoholic, etc. One can't always tell what kind of man one is marrying until after the marriage. They are good at keeping much of their troubles hidden.
The best thing we can do is not to take responsibility for "his problem" that "he" needs to be responsible for get help for.
In other words, we have to become emotionally detached, which becomes easier to do after years of this sick behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): its happening to me right now, me and my husband just had a fight for small reason. We just fought for money, which i only forgot to pay for the school bus of my daughter, which only cost $20, by the way he's the only one whose working because im studying.He didn't talk to me for 3 days now, i just keep doing the same thing, as if hes not around also, because if i say something and he didnt respond it will upset me again, so might as well, just keep my mouth shut until he realized his mistakes.Hopefully, i still have that patient. My husband is so organized money, house etc. which i'm opposite.But if he's not talking to you for a week try to do the first move, be prepared, on the outcome. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): I've been married 10 years. I think I'm an Extrovert. I can't go to bed after with a relational issue bothering me. So I try to address it, and if the conditions for communication are not right, I sulk long enough until the issue is dealt with or communicated. My wife is an introvert. She is able to shelf issues away and go on as if nothing ever happened. She internalizes and resolves issues in her mind. Sulking is one way to maintain the thread of "non-closure" until it is appropriately addressed (perhaps for my sole benefit.. I'm not sure). I recognize sulking can be very hurtful especially because we talk for different reasons. I talk about what is bothering me to analyze an issue, be practical, and get emotional support. My wife talks to only bring closure to an issue that she has resolved in her mind. I don't know if I'm being childish or not when I seek to confront an issue (sulking or not).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I think sulking underminds and deeply hurts your partner. For me it destroys my love for my mate. In the past I used to get upset and try and talk him out of sulking, he could easily sulk for a week, this meant: not talking to me, no eye contact, sleeping away from me, giving me the cold shoulder treatment. I would be in agony, it was similar to grieving. Now, 23 down the line, I have become insensitive, let him sulk, I say, and just get on with my life. However, I have lost my respect for this man I so deeply loved, I pity him, he wont go and see anyone, he says I am his worst enemy, and I just have to wait until he comes around. I think of leaving him often - but my kids want me to s t a y. I know one day I will go, but dont have the strength to go yet - I might meet another sulker!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): I think its a power thing. My husband does the same thing. I started to agree with everything he said, and at the same time just do the same thing like I felt was right. I guess I have him confused. I don't argue, complain or even offer to talk about the situation. If he wants to sulk, I let him. I'm much happier and...I'm beleiving that the situation will improve.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): Sulking might appear childish, but men don't sulk for no reason. If a man feels like his wife has dis-engaged from him, his response will be in kind. If he is trying to express his feelings and being ignored he will do the same. If an argument has brought forth insults and hurtful words, he would do the same. The best thing for both in a relationship is not to try to win an argument but focus on each other and your feelings with love, respect, and kindness. If this isn't being done, then there will be sulking by you both. Maybe your are sulking too but in a different way? Anyway, time out from each other after an argument is a good thing, but never will a man sulk for no reason.
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female
reader, dolly5 +, writes (19 January 2006):
I'm in the same boat as you - my husband sulks in the bedroom after a row - it has gone on for as long as 3-4 days. I used to get really upset but now I go on the computer or phone a friend. Today he is yet again in the bedroom. I feel how much longer can I stand this childish behaviour. I do sympathise with you greatly. I think it is a pattern of behaviour from his past - something to do with bad parenting. His mum is controlling, and domineering. Countless times I have/do think about breaking up with him. I am 55 now and think do I need him like this for the next part of my life. People tell me there is a whole big world out there waiting for you.
Be interested to hear from you.
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (20 September 2005):
Hi,
Your husband need to realise that his behaviour is a form of emotional abuse. This is the way that he deals with confrontation or pain but that does not make it ok. I have an idea for you, it could work if you are willing to try it. First work out what he is getting out of this behaviour, there is always a pay off. Could it be the sense of reasurrance he gets when he comes out of his sulk to find you there waiting to take him back in your arms? Or maybe some other pay off. Think of the way you usually react when he sulks or leaves. Then the next time he does it, starts sulking that is or getting ready to go out, get to the door before him, you walk out! I don't mean permanantly. Just say and I'll come back when you act like a grown up and stop sulking. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY! It might take him a couple of hours or even a couple of days but the penny will probably drop when he realises that you are not there waitng for him. It will break the pattern or cycle if you do things differently. Maybe you could try it and let us know if it did the trick.
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reader, pops +, writes (19 September 2005):
Because he doesn't like losing control Get to a marriage counselor, and see if you can't get him there, too. You both need to learn how to argue and then patch things up. This is the hardest part about being married. Good luck.
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