A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help!!5 months ago my partner of four years told me he didn't love me anymore but then decided he did a few days later. I got close to this other guy as he was splitting up with his gf and we was kinda helping each other through it. Trouble is i like him. When i see him, I get all hot and bothered, my tummy turns, just can't stop thinking about him. We was speaking on the phone every day and have shared a kiss. Most communication has stopped now but if he sees me, he texts me to say i look nice and how am i, etc.My partner and i have been trying to work through our differences and after 5 months we are slowly getting there but it has been hard work with him not trying, etc.I feel like if i go, i could lose everything because with this guy it might not turn into anything. But if I stay, i feel like I'm denying myself or something, but what, i do not know.Help
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Why have either? If you cant choose between the two of them then the fact is either is the right guy.
Go out and give your self a break from men and see what happens
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This sentence has my alarm bells a-jangling:'I feel like if I go, I could lose everything'Now wait just a second! That suggests to me that you think you're only worth something if you're in a relationship. But that's not true - you have value in your own right, as a strong young woman who can be independent and stand on her own two feet! It concerns me that you're thinking about this solely in terms of 'this guy' or 'that guy' and not in terms of what you want. If things don't work out with your partner, there is absolutely no reason why you can't be single for a bit while you figure out what you really want. You're not a sack of potatoes to be passed from one man to another, but a person with feelings and desires and responsibility for herself. Far from 'losing everything' if you're on your own, it could be exactly what you need to figure out what you want to do with your life.I am a great believer in finishing one relationship before you start another. If things aren't working out, if your boyfriend isn't really trying, then call time. Have it out in the open, make a clean break in good faith, and then go about building a new life. See the new guy at your own pace, unrushed, and without pressures to make massive life decisions. You'll get far more respect that way, and what is more, you'll be able to respect yourself. The cheating, the sneaking around, the deceit that come with affairs is no way to start a new relationship. It may seem like an exciting way out of the difficulties with your curent partner, but it builds a basis of dishonesty and mistrust in your new relationship that is extremely difficult to overcome. How can you ever really trust someone with whom you've cheated not to do it again? While that question might seem tiny now, it will be more and more significant in your new relationship as time passes. What you want is a rock solid future with someone who respectsand loves you - not a repeat of your current situation where in a few years time, you're wondering where you went wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): You are young so I wonder why you are clinging on to a relationship that is not really working. Why be afraid of being on your own for a bit? It sounds as if you want to go from one relationship to another seamlessly. I would end it with the current guy as you sound unsure of him. Why are you 'working through' things when really it either works or it doesn't - you are not married or have children so there is liitle reason hanging on to someone not right for you. Then if the other guy still appeals, pursue that. There are no certainties in life - but if you don't take a chance sometimes you'll wonder if you missed out.
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