A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would you stay friends with someone who has the following traits?I need an outside person’s perspective:PROS:-Caring -There for you emotionally when need advice or venting-Helps in my mental health healing process-Feel less alone by sharing same view points on a number of things-At times can maturely handle criticismCONS-Often doesn’t respect my time by showing up insultingly late. -Canceling on you frequently -Inconsistent in her word, cannot take her word seriously when making plans-Resentful about driving out to your neck of the woods to see you, even though you do it for her too, even moreso-Lies. Not melicious lies, but enough lies that make me -Throws in your face the things they do for you when you also do the same for her, even moreso.-You’ve spoken to them about some of these things before but no change seen. - You feel scared to tell them about their lack of timliness and lies because they immediately get defensive and make you question your observations. Downplay and deny the offenses.I’m afraid I’ll be cutting off a friend for reasons that aren’t good enough. i don’t want to make a rash decision. If I was your daughter what would you advise? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2022): People managing their clinically-diagnosed mental-health disorders should stick strictly to their treatment program. Outsiders may offer support, but things unqualified individuals say may be in conflict, or in contradiction, to your therapy.
When your list of cons is much longer than your pros; it's commonsense to make a decision based on what is more suitable to your overall sanity and mental health. Besides the fact your cons have a tone of resentment and ungratefulness; and you might even say they come across as contradictory to what you consider your friend's finer points.
Is the friend worth keeping? Your friend may be pondering that same question.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2022): Your friend is NOT helping you to heal your mental health. When she bothers to turn up she is allowing you to vent and moan, which is not the same thing at all! You do not improve or grow when you simply moan and vent, you simply exist and tread water. You need a properly qualified experienced therapist to help you. Helping you means that you can make simple small decisions for yourself, such as should I stay friends with such and such. And do not need to go to friends to vent and moan. That would be someone who is grown and more capable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2022): You are torn because you want her to be your unpaid therapist - which is, quite frankly - a cheek - yet you also see that she is not a push over who is always there to suit you, and does her own thing when it suits her. She can be unreliable but ask yourself why. Would you drive out there to listen to someone moaning about their mental health problems and wanting a shoulder to cry on? If she were a therapist she would refuse to come to you and listen, she would insist you come to her office and pay. You ask a great deal. I don't know why someone else said you have outgrown her. This is untrue. You are too needy to have done that. You are angry because you are not getting her free support all on your terms and not sure whether you are better off with it or without it then. That's life. She would not be a good choice for a listening ear or a support network if she always put you first and forgot her own needs! I guess that sometimes she arranges to come to see you, then gets a better offer and cancels, but this is down to you, you need to make it better for her to turn up.
You had a very simple decision to make here and you asked us to decide for you, so you cannot claim to be good at giving people advice! Perhaps she chats to you and goes on about something, but anyone can just sit there or stand there listening, it takes no real skill or smarts. They get something out of off loading, not from what you say.
You may be doing the same thing with her.
I've met many people who want others to listen to all of their problems, many were so self absorbed and lacking any insight into themselves. The snag is that the only people who want to be friends with them are people with no life
or people who are the same. The ones who are sorted out
and good thinkers will prefer to go elsewhere... and do.
Find other ways to fill some of your time so you are not sitting there hoping that today is the day she actually turns up on time and does not cancel. The busier you are the less you will care. Get a job, take on a time consuming and absorbing hobby, meet other people. You see, if you had other friends you would not bother with this woman.
You would be too busy seeing them. You are scared to get rid of her because you do not have other friends.
Ask yourself why and what you can do about it.
It's never wise to rely too much on one person and it is not her fault if you do that. It's clear from what you say that she has other people and more to fill her time, more options. She would miss you a lot less than you would miss her.
I used to have a friend who was obsessed with her family, mostly her daughter. She spoke as if the sun shone out of her arse. If you were with her for two hours most of it was two hours of how wonderful this daughter was. She had not won a nobel prize or passed a big exam or excelled at anything, she was a very ordinary person. One day my friend said to me that she could not understand why when she went to such and such and chatted to so and so the other woman's face glazed over and she seemed totally disinterested in what she was saying about her precious fantastic daughter - again. She shouted at this woman that she must be jealous of her! It did not occur to her that she was boring the pants off of everyone. And this woman had a daughter of her own, she simply chose not to talk about her non stop.
The better company you are the more likely someone will turn up and want to return. Personally if you were a friend of mine and you got angry when I had other things to do and you saw me as a free therapist I would dump you first.
I used to get so many people doing this to me that I became a private qualified therapist. Now when I meet people with mental health problems, self obsessed, unaware of self,
wanting a listening ear all the time, I run a mile.
I am only interested in people like this if they go through my secretary and pre pay make an appointment to see me. Listening to people's problems for hours is exhausting and boring, there is a lot more to life. So I make sure I don't work too hard either. I often turn away clients because I would much rather get out and about and enjoy life than sit there listening to problems all day every day. It's even worse when the person is not a paying client.
Your friend may be putting up with it because she does the same with you, but it is clear to me that she has other options and more people she can meet up with and this is why she often cancels or is late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to you both. I appreciate your responses
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (29 November 2022):
 There is no such thing as a perfect Friendship/relationship would be lovely if there was such a thing.
I think it's down to us as individuals to weigh up the pro's and cons and decide if they are worth keeping around or not, its up to us to decide whether to stay or walk away.
If the cons outweigh the pro's and as a consequence you feel you are unhappy, and you don't feel things are getting better i would advise calling it a day and walking away, or at the very least limit the contact you have.
I don't think that friendships should be an effort, we should not have to be listing pro's and cons. But the cons you have listed I would suggest limiting your contact, or abolish the friendship, she does not sound like a very good friend to me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 November 2022):
 If I was your daughter what would you advise?
Friendships aren't always smooth sailing. And some friendships aren't meant to last. There are some people we GROW with and some we OUTGROW.
I think you have outgrown this friend.
And she doesn't seem to RESPECT you or your time.
Maybe taper OFF the contact and time spent with her for a while and see how you feel about it. You don't HAVE to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can take some time and figure out if this is someone you want in your life (AS THEY ARE) or if you are better off not investing more time and energy into this one.
She is UNLIKELY to change. She will ALWAYS be late for everything. That is who she is. AT least around you. She will probably always LIE about things... because THAT is who she is, again, at least around you.
Maybe you need to work on branching out and making new friends.
You mention that
"Helps in my mental health healing process"
That really isn't a friend's job, per se. THAT is the job of a therapist.
Relying on a friend to BE your personal therapist might not be great in the long run, because it can make you feel dependent ON her.
She doesn't really sound like a person I would keep around.
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